


yours with every name

by sh0tar1s



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Artist Hinata Shouyou, Cuddling & Snuggling, Falling In Love, First Meetings, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt/Comfort, Leukemia, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Road Trips, Sad Ending, Sad Kageyama Tobio, Sharing a Bed, Sick Character, Sickfic, Slow Burn, Stargazing, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 61,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28614321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sh0tar1s/pseuds/sh0tar1s
Summary: Tobio had no clue that his entire life, he's waited for somebody like Shouyou. But, what is Shouyou hiding?-a/n: this bad boy got so many tropes in him, i rlly hope u all enjoy
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 169
Kudos: 229





	1. you are new

**Author's Note:**

> :)

Kageyama would rather be anywhere than Miyagi. 

It was boring and old, like peeling paint on a wall.

Maybe when Kageyama was younger and he looked out his window at all the passing cars and flying birds and vast fields, it was huge. It was bright, and the sun shining down on it did it many favours. Running in those fields, over the concrete and over the sandy grounds, that has been fun. Back then, this city was so, so full of mystery.

Growing older and discovering it wasn't so amazing came gradually. When he discovered Tokyo was much bigger, much brighter, much more…alive. He grew envious, so envious that he begged his parents for more.

'Mama!'

'Yes?'

'Let's go to Tokyo!'

'No, we can't.'

'But-'

'I said no, Tobio. We just can't. Learn to listen.'

An instant shut down. No matter how many more times Kageyama tried as a young boy, moving was never an option. Why? He wasn't ever sure, he probably never would be.

So by the time he was in highschool, he had explored his side of Miyagi. Restrain him to this little city, and he'll take in what he can. However, that want for exploration of his hometown faded.

It wasn't Tokyo at all.

It wasn't impossibly tiny, but it wasn't the same having so much land as having so many bright lights and buildings and arenas.

It didn't have Tokyo's excitement.

Of course, every now and then there were roads being fixed and new buildings being created. New stores opened up, and new events being held. Yet, something was always missing.

No matter how many times Miyagi wants to rebuild itself, it'll always be a dull old city.

His entire life he stayed here, never once moving from his house except when he finally went to university and got his own tiny apartment. Not a dorm though, anything but a shabby dorm that he'd share with a stranger.

Being born in such a boring old city in the first place wasn't the bad part, he would have dealt with that. Having to stay, however, was the issue.

Maybe, it was the getting used to it that became the issue.

He kicked his feet against the fallen leaves on the concrete. Wind gusted past his face, ruffling his black bangs and sending shivers down his spine. It was quite annoying thinking about how he should've worn a thicker jacket, maybe even a hat despite his hatred for them. 

Water before him rippled as the wind pushed against it, effectively making him even colder. September 27, it wasn't all that far into the fall and yet here was Kageyama, sniffling from the stupid cold.

"WOAH!!"

Kageyama flinched at the booming voice from behind him. He turned on instinct, faltering backwards a bit.

"Ishinomaki Senshu?!" 

He glanced to the side and spotted the owner of the obnoxious voice. There stood an orange haired boy, most likely a highschooler. He wore a wide smile, his hands balled into fists in what seemed like excitement. To add on, his build was rather frail. He had the eyebags to match as well, his hair failing to hide it.

Definitely a highschooler. One that stays up on his phone.

Kageyama raised an eyebrow, "Huh?"

"You go to Ishinomaki, right?!" The kid asked enthusiastically, stepping closer to him and pointing at his jacket.

It was then that Kageyama remembered he was wearing a black sweater with his University's name and logo on it.

"Oh," he scratched his head. "yeah."

The no named redhead beamed, "me too!"

Kageyama's eyes bulged out his head, or at least it felt like it. This puny little kid was a university student? There was no way.

But sure enough, under the guy's grey bomber jacket was a white sweatshirt with Ishinomaki's logo. He really was a fucking student. Smart enough to skip highschool maybe? 

"Don't look so surprised!" The orange haired male crossed his arms with a pout. 

Kageyama stuttered and tried to find a way to explain himself before giving up. Was it really his fault? He didn't think so, anyone would think the guy was a highschooler.

"It's just that you're so," he swallowed. "small."

The redhead dropped his head, groaning in what seemed like frustration rather than offense. Kageyama continued to kick the leaves under his feet, finding this encounter more and more awkward by the second.

"You didn't have to say that!"

Kageyama cringed, "sorry, uh-"

"H-Hinata Shouyou!"

The now identified male bowed his head, quickly picking it back up with a smile, "I'm in my first year! You can just call me Shouyou, pleased to meet you!"

Kageyama gaped at him. They were the same age? There was no way, no way in hell. He glanced to the pathway on the opposite side of Hinata. Should he just make a run for it now? He really wasn't looking for new friends, especially not any hyper, orange, loud ones. If he just distracted him maybe he could.

"What's your name?"

"What- oh," Kageyama snapped out of it. It'd be rude if he didn't give his name, although that thought didn't make him want to give it out any more. Frantically thinking of which option to go with, he noticed that the new stranger, yet not stranger, held his clenched hands up just to his chest with a crooked smile. 

Kageyama sighed, dropping his head in defeat.

"Kageyama Tobio."

"Alright!" Hinata beamed, seemingly feeling accomplished at getting his name. 

"Let's be friends!"

The taller of the two cringed, now would be a great time to escape. Just run for it. 

"Um," he found himself trying to respond instead. The intense look on Hinata's face pushed him to continue, afterall. How annoying, "why?"

Wind ruffled Hinata's already wild hair as he turned to the side to think for himself. So he didn't know, yet he came up to a complete stranger to be friends. How and why could he do that so freely? Especially when Kageyama looked far older than him.

"Just looking for friends, I guess," came the answer.

"So you go up to a random stranger?"

"How else would you make friends?"

-

[Hinata Shouyou]  
> Kageyama! Good Morning!

Kageyama groaned at his phone screen, shutting it off and rolling back to his curled up position on his uncomfortable bed. He didn't have time for Hinata's outgoing shit today.

2 weeks ago when they met the guy had managed to get his phone number out of him, insisting that's what new friends would do.

'How else would we stay in contact?'

Frankly that's why he didn't want to give his number in the first place. Of course, giving in was his mistake.

Within a week he found that Hinata was pretty outgoing, which didn't come as a surprise. What came as a surprise is this boy could talk for hours without stopping if he tried. Kageyama was positive even if he hadn't spoken to the redhead for that long, he just knew that was very much possible and very much likely.

His phone buzzed and he patted down the sheets behind him in search of his phone. He finally found it after he reached forward a little more and sighed as he read the new message.

[Hinata Shouyou]  
> let's go out today!

[Kageyama Tobio]  
< no

The reply came quickly, unsurprisingly. 

[Hinata Shouyou]  
> so rude -_- im older than you yknow, show some respect

[Kageyama Tobio]  
< barely

It was a shocker to Kageyama when he found that his new acquaintance was a couple months older than him. The guy was no taller than 5'5, the height of a middle schooler. How had he even survived high school? 

[Hinata Shouyou]  
> lets study together sometime :)

Kageyama thought for a moment. Studying would require a quiet, peaceful area. Hinata was everything but. And yet, maybe that would shut the boy up. It had to, he'd have to force him to be quiet even if it meant shoving a cork in his throat.

Hinata had been asking to hang out, each time getting turned down because their schedules were not cooperating with each other at all. It's not like Kageyama necessarily hated talking to him, he wasn't turning him down on purpose.

So a study session would actually work, considering half the time he was busy because he had to study some bullshit.

You win, Hinata Shouyou.

[Kageyama Tobio]  
< fine

[Hinata Shouyou]  
>on thursday then! library on the 5th floor, 11 am. dont you dare be late!

[Kageyama Tobio]  
< ok

[Hinata Shouyou]  
> i mean it! >:((((((

Kageyama sighed and shut his phone off. 

What an annoying little shit.

-

Kageyama always had trouble communicating.

His parents had neglected him heavily as a child, to put simply. He didn't really blame them, they had jobs that required insane hours and hard work. He just wished that maybe it wasn't like that.

While most babies could utter a word at 12-18 months, Kageyama didn't speak for longer than that according to his parents.

'Mama,' his workaholic mother hummed from her computer 'when did I say my first words?'

'You were almost 2, Tobio,' came the robotic response.

He hadn't asked since that day, too scared to know if his mom was mistaken. What if it was longer than that? 

His grandfather told them it was alright, he caught up with the rest of the children. So what was the issue?

He wasn't able to write or read like most children by the time he was in kindergarten. Of course, that concerned the teachers. In the end, he was taught in school from scratch. Only then could he catch up with them, if only a little. 

Just because he could read and write like other kids by first grade didn't mean he suddenly understood everything, though.

'Kagayama Tobio! You're not allowed to do that with scissors!' His teacher screeched at him as she snatched the potential weapon away.

'I just wanted to play,' big innocent eyes stared back at her fuming state.

Mihara-sensei looked back down at him with a stern face, though Kageyama wasn't sure if he should be scared or not. 'We don't play by trying to cut our classmates hair!'

The girl on the floor was threading her small fingers through her hair, pulling out unevenly cut strands. Loud wails and sobs didn't pull a reaction out of Kagayama, though. It'll grow back! And she has a better hairstyle now! Why is she sad…?

When he looked back at his teacher he knew the consequence. It was time to sit down and think about what he did wrong.

Similar incidents happened as he grew up, not necessarily with scissors and hair.

'Sensei! Kageyama's chasing us with a stick! Make him stop!'

'Sensei! Kageyama just hit me!'

Aggression didn't work, Kageyama found that out at a very early age when he realised he was punished anytime he hurt someone. His grandfather understood. 

'Let's go play some volleyball, hm? Let's get that anger out.'

It always worked.

Volleyball was a beautiful sport, really. No matter what anyone said, it was the absolute best. Setting, spiking, receiving, it was all fun. The training, the running, the strategizing, even that was fun. When it was easy, when it was hard, it was fun.

The way the ball fits in his hands just right when he sets, that always felt good. When he hit it so hard into the ground that his hand stings, that feels good too. Being able to save it from hitting the ground, that was rewarding.

Fun, volleyball was always fun and it was so easy to forget everything when he played.

He loved volleyball, really. But still, he wanted friends too.

He saw the other kids methods of making companions, how they interacted, there was another option.

So he was nice.

He had no clue how to make friends even then.

'Hi! My name's Hano Chakuro! Let's be friends!'

'Oh, yeah!'

'What's your name?'

'Kageyama Tobio.'

They ended up being good friends. Such good friends that Chakuro and his goonies punched him a couple times, then called him a goody two shoes because he was always kissing up to the teachers.

His next friend was Sonoda Kazuo. A boy in the 8th grade, older by 5 years so he was his senpai. 

'Tobio-chan!' He called him over one day. Kazuo-senpai sat at an old rusted bench with his other 3 friends, each looking more rough than the last.

How did they all become friends with Kageyama? Well, that was a little confusing to him as well. Swinging alone after school seemed like an invitation to the other 4 boys though, and they seemed cool. Middle schoolers wanted to be his friend! Who was he to complain?

'Yes?' He padded over to them, hugging his raincoat to his small body.

'You see that pile of shit over there?' Kageyama cringed at Yukio's (Kazuo's scary, big friend) word choice but nodded.

'Please go pick it up for me,' Yukio smiled sweetly, making Kageyama nod again.

Laughing could be heard behind him as he stumbled towards the pile of what seemed like leaves and garbage. 

And that's when he saw what was underneath.

Blood and fur could be seen sticking out in between the gaps of its cover up, then an eye stared up at Kageyama and he screamed, his eyes almost popping out his head.

He didn't hear the other 4 walk up to him, and he didn't notice what was happening until he was shoved straight to the ground, nose diving into the pile.

A cry ripped through his throat as he sat up, frantically wiping blood and fur and dirt off his face. Turning back with tears in his eyes, his friends guffawed and howled on each other, hitting each other from how hard they laughed. 

'L-l-look at his face!' Ko pointed weakly, wheezing as he bent over with his other hand clutching his stomach.

'Tobio-chan,' Yuichi, another one of the friends-no-bullies, attempted to push Kageyama's head into the unidentified animal corpse again, but the willpower the younger had was much stronger than his hand.

'No!' He screamed as he let out a sob. 's-stop! Stop i-it!'

It took a moment for everybody to settle down, but when they did, Kageyama took no chances and ran for his life.

Kazuo could be heard laughing again, and that laugh was one Kageyama wouldn't forget for a couple of years.

Once he knew his house was in sight, he wiped at his tears quickly to compose himself.

'Tobio!' He could only see his grandfather's outline through the build of tears again.

'What happened?!'

And the dam broke again when he cried into his chest.

That day in third grade made him stop trying. Friends were exhausting. Untrustworthy. Terrifying.

But it was okay, he could still be nice. Afterall, he had volleyball, he had his grandfather, he could still try to be himself.

He got over the incident in third grade eventually, pushing it behind him after venting about it to his grandfather a couple times.

He never made new friends, though he had acquaintances, but It was okay.

And one day, it wasn't.

He stopped being nice in junior high when his grandfather died.

-

Kageyama stared at his volleyball. Dark closet, top shelf, to the right. It never moved.

'If you get really good, I promise you, someone stronger will come and find you.'

"I'm sorry, grandfather."

-

"Kageyama," Hinata whined for the umpteenth time that day. 

"Let's go walk or something!"

That earned him annoyed looks and a chorus of "Sh"s from the other students in the library. Kageyama sighed and sunk into his seat, wishing it would swallow him whole and he wouldn't have to be seen with the loud disturbance.

Hinata muttered a shy apology to those around him before turning back to him and cupping his hands to echo a whisper.

"Let's go walk!"

Kageyama kicked him under the table, causing the redhead to groan and stifle his yelp by pressing his lips tightly together. He glared at him.

"You said study, so let's study."

"But it's so boring," Hinata whined as he whispered, burying his head in his arms. "and my brain is deter..de-deteriorating," he struggled to pronounce through his slur.

Kageyama clicked his tongue at him but found he couldn't disagree. He was never a studier himself, hell, he got the worst grades you could get back in highschool. Well, up until his last year and a half, that is. That's when he had to pull it together.

"Then why'd you suggest we study if you're a dumbass?"

"Look who's talking!" The boy whisper-yelled. "Don't think I havent noticed that you don't know squat about your subject!"

Kageyama shrank and blushed at that, he wasn't wrong. 

The raven slammed his binger shut, sliding it into his bag before standing up. He bundled up with his jacket and scarf, slinging the bag over his shoulder as Hinata watched with a puzzled expression.

"Where you going?"

"Outside."

"Can I come?"

"Why else do you think I'm getting dressed, dumbass?"

"Oi!"

"SHHHH."

"Sorry!"

-

The air was colder in October, that was expected. It was quite annoying, Kageyama hated the cold. He hated having to wear more layers than what made him comfortable, he especially didn't like wearing layers and still feeling like he would die from hypothermia if he were to take off a layer.

"So why'd you take business economics?" Hinata skipped and kicked up leaves along the pathway of the park they had found themselves in. All the leaves had fallen already, it seems nature was eager to let go of summer and open up a new chapter.

Kageyama stared ahead at the bare trees surrounding them and the old, gray, chipped fountain. Statues of dogs and a cat surrounded it, acting as its guards and friends. It was quite a funny sight, but Kageyama's focus was drawn back to Hinata who suddenly jumped up high and broke a twig off a tree. He continued to hop after that, swinging the stick around in the air like a child. That boy had a lot of stamina for someone with such heavy eyebags-

Right, Kageyama snapped out of it.

"Don't know," Kageyama shrugged as he brushed over Hinata's question. "no other options."

"Ehhhh?" Hinata ran ahead before turning, walking backwards in front of the black haired male. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kageyama shrugged again, "no other options."

Hinata frowned as he turned back to walk beside him, crossing his arms and humming loudly. 

"Nothing you wanted to do?" 

It was Kageyama's turn to frown. 

He wanted to do something before going to university. He really, really wanted it. He would've done anything, anything at all. And yet, he didn't. He couldn't.

"No," he answered with his head ducked.

Hinata seemed to drop it, casting his own gaze up at the sky. 

They walked in silence and for a moment Kageyama thought that maybe the other male was in fact capable of staying quiet. Of course, he was wrong because not even 5 seconds later the man was babbling again.

"I'm an art student, I told you once but never really got into it!" he seemed to brighten at his own statement, obviously proud. 

Kageyama hummed in response, digging his hands further into his pockets and hugging his jacket closer to him as a particularly strong gust of wind blew his hair back. It was fine though, it'd fall right back into place like always.

"You're not gonna ask about it?" Hinata pouted like a child and again Kageyama thought he was exhausting.

"'Kay, what about your art."

Hinata kissed his teeth, "So dry, anyways," a smile took over his features. "I'm gonna write a manga!"

Kageyama's eyes widened just a fraction. This little bastard had the patience to write an entire manga? With many volumes? And plot? No way.

"You're bluffing."

Hinata gasped in offense, holding a hand up in a fist and threatening to hit the other male. 

"I'm not! I really want to write one!"

"Oh yeah?" Even if he wanted to write a manga, Kageyama really didn't think Hinata would actually follow through with it. His father always told him going into the arts was a mistake, that you were doomed from the second you choose to pursue it. He didn't know how much he agreed with that thought, but he sure didn't think it was something that assured you success. Did any career do that for you, though?

"Of course!" Hinata exclaimed. "Why are you doubting me, you asshole?!"

"Shut up, I'm just saying I don't believe you."

"Hmpf," the redhead crossed his arms and held his chin up high with a sour look on his face. "just you watch me, bakageyama!"

"What was that?!"

"You heard me," Hinata smiled mischievously. "anyways, you really suck at studying, you know that?"

Kageyama reached over and pushed the smaller boy's shoulder, causing him to stumble and almost fall over the edge of the fountain they had reached. He yelped before quickly recovering from the sudden impact and rubbing at the spot the raven had shoved.

"You suck just as much," he bit, then he froze, his eyes wide.

"Wait!"

"Eh?" Hinata tilted his head.

"If you're an art student then what the hell are you even studying?" Kageyama pointed an accusing finger at him, suddenly realizing that it made no sense at all. 

"Uh, well," guilt took over his features as fidgeted with his fingers and rocked back and forth before dropping the act and sighing. His cheeks reddened and he hid his hands behind his back like a kid caught stealing from the cookie jar.

"I didn't actually have to study today. I-I mean of course sometimes I have to! But today I just... just have to...practice...drawing."

Kageyama's mouth gaped slightly, his eye twitching. 

So that's why Hinata didn't do jack shit today and kept asking to go outside. This little midget didn't even care to study whatever art stuff he actually had. What do you even study at all as an aspiring mangaka? Do you seriously go to school for that? 

"Then why'd you ask me to study, dumbass!?" Wasn't this completely useless then!? 

Hinata's embarrassment disappeared and turned into mild anger, akin to his recent but usual disdain to Kageyama's rude remarks.

"Oi, stop calling me names!!" He pushed Kageyama the same way the taller man had done to him just moments ago, earning multiple curses thrown his way.

"I just wanted to hang out, okay?" He crossed his arms with a red blush across his cheeks and ears and neck.

Kageyama frowned and began to walk again, shrugging his shoulders at the redhead's antics.

"I don't see why you'd want that."


	2. cold hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata and Kageyama get stuck in the cold for a bit

After that they hung out a lot more and most of the time it was because Hinata would drag Kageyama out of his house by text. Even if Kageyama were to say no, the other would find a bunch of ways to get him out of the house. Was it annoying? A little. Did Kageyama mind? Only a twinge.

The orange haired bastard had been hanging out with him at least twice a week for the last 3 months and as much as Kageyama wanted to deny it, they had grown to be what he would consider just a little more than acquaintances.

Not quite friends, no. Kageyama never had that, he wouldn't start when he was 19.

That didn't stop him from at least trying to interact like a normal human being. 

He found out a lot about the man in the time he got to know him. For starters, Hinata was rich. Or, his family was and that's why Hinata could afford all sorts of stuff like cool, colourful sneakers,name brand clothes, and ridiculously high tech phones. Yeah, plural, he had like 3 or 4.

Apparently he also came from Tokyo to Miyagi, which incredibly confused Kageyama. He asked him why, to which Hinata responded.

'I wanna go everywhere, I guess.'

Leave Tokyo? Leave Tokyo? Hinata had to be insane.

It didn't quite make sense to him, not at all. If you want to go everywhere, why go to Miyagi? Sure, that's sorta part of everywhere, but Tokyo had more opportunities, didn't it? What's the point of moving here for university if you're just going into art, too? Kageyama didn't ask about that part, he had a feeling the other would jjst answer simple mindedly again. 

Hinata was, to put as best as he could, a human embodiment of the sun. That wasn't necessarily a compliment either.

He was annoying. Always obnoxiously, just, there. He was also always happy, Kageyama couldn't remember a moment of seeing Hinata become genuinely upset, or even genuinely irritated. He liked to smile, a lot. And laugh, a lot. It didn't even have to be funny, you could steal a snort from the guy for just about anything. Maybe it's his excessive amount of energy that makes him want to push out a wheeze anytime something's even remotely funny.

Well, at least that energy had its moment where it kind of evaporated. Or rather, it was directed elsewhere.

Hinata had apparently started his manga. Last month he told Kageyama that he got the plot, the characters, he knew how he wanted it to end.

Would he actually draw all of it? He still doubted that he would.

Despite that, Hinata would be quiet and not text Kageyama when he'd be drawing, and that could last up to 5 hours. 5 hours of a silent Hinata? That's a miracle, actually. Sometimes when they'd meet up the man would decide to pull out his sketchbook and set it on one of the tables at a cafe, fish out a lead pencil and eraser, and then scratch away for as long as Kageyama took time to study for his business.

His determination was admirable.

-

Hinata would be gone for a week in December, family business to take care of, he said. Well, his family was filthy rich after all, something Kageyama didn't have too much experience with until he got his scholarship.

The boy did text though, a lot.

[dumbass hinata]  
> KAGEYAMMMAAAA  
> IM BOERD  
> ITS SO COLD  
> ENETERAIN ME

Man, he really couldn't spell to save his life. 

[Kageyama Tobio]  
< entertain yourself, what are you even doing right now?

20 seconds later,

[dumbass hinata]  
> not much

Liar! The atmosphere was completely off. Kageyama ignored it though, Hinata would tell him once he's back, probably. Well, maybe.

[dumbass hinata]  
> have you seen the video of the monkey that slapped the leopard after it roared at him?

Ah, the atmosphere was back to normal in no time at all, huh?

The rest of the time Hinata was gone went over in the same manner. Videos of people getting themselves stuck in dumb situations, videos of cute animals, a billion complaints of boredom, mindless conversations about nothing particularly important.

[Kageyama Tobio]  
< so whats with your manga?

[dumbass Hinata ]  
> glad u asked, my great friend!   
> its goin well  
> not done, obviously   
> im pretty proud of my main charcter :)  
> character*

Kageyama didn't really understand why he wasn't allowed to know anything about the manga, there was only one bit of information that Hinata gave to him in the past.

"It's pretty unfair. Only one of them lose something, but it feels like both of them are at a loss."

Whatever that meant.

Hinata would come back the next day and never speak about his trip back to Tokyo, keeping his nose in his sketchbook and in Kageyama's life.

-

Crystal white snow coated the roofs of passing houses, the branches of bare trees, stop signs, everything. It was a cold winter, just like the autumn had been. Kageyama shivered as the snow soaked through his shoes. Dang it, he thought, he never dressed right for the weather.

Hinata walked beside him, his hands in his pockets. Despite the freezing cold there was a bounce to his steps, there always was. Kageyama found that he was less annoyed about it at this point, it wasn't that bad anymore. It was kind of expected, actually.

"Ka-ge-ya-maaaa," Hinata dragged out his name as he pouted, sniffling from the cold. "how much further?"

"10 minutes," he sniffled himself. 

The two had gone out to Kageyama's old school, Karasuno, after Hinata begged and begged him for days. Why? He had no clue, he learned not to truly question a lot of the shorter man's motives.

And so they went, just for a moment. Kageyama had shown him just the front of the school, the field, and the entrance to the gym.

'Why the gym?' Hinata looked up at him curiously. 

'I just remember it a lot,' he replied, not daring to look down.

Now, they walked back to the bus stop from which they came. The problem was, it was kinda fucking far. At least, it seemed further away in the winter than it did in any other season from what Kageyama could remember. It hadn't been that long since high school, it really hadn't, but he found he tried to block out his high school years.

Kageyama sighed and took his hands out his pockets, putting them up to his face and breathing into him. The coat wasn't doing him many favours really, the inside was cold from the shitty fabric. He continued to blow hot air onto his palms until he noticed the snow was crunching much less. Turning back, he was met with the sight of Hinata looking up at him with his lips pursed to the side.

"What is it?"

"Uh," the redhead pulled his own hands out of his pockets and started to take off his yellow gloves.

Kageyama tilted his head, "What are you doing?"

"Here!" Hinata presented the gloves to him, a serious look on his face.

Kageyama stared down at the fuzzy garments. It didn't fully process what Hinata meant until the shorter male took his hands in his own, sliding the gloves on one by one.

"What are you doing?!" He pulled back quickly once the gloves were on and he snapped out of his stupor. "You idiot, you'll get colder-"

"Shut up! Just take them, will you?" Hinata shoved his hands back in his pockets and walked ahead, his shoulders almost touching his ears.

Kageyama sighed and watched him for just a second before he caught up to him, putting his hands back in his pockets too. Although it was still cold, he found that the gloves helped him warm up. 

Dang it, he was allowing this twerp to take care of him.

Snow continued to crunch under their feet, leaving two sets of footprints behind them though one was bigger than the other. Kageyama was hit with a wave of flurry then, right in his face. Wind picked up and pushed snow in both their faces, causing them to yelp and shield their faces.

"The hell?!" Kageyama exclaimed at the very painful inconvenience. It was a mystery how snow could be so soft but then feel like a thousand knives.

"Shit," he heard Hinata mutter so he cracked his eyes open. Snow began to fall from the sky harder then, quickly picking up the speed of its fall. Very quickly, they were both coated in a thin layer of snowflakes.

"A fucking snowstorm," Kageyama sighed frustratingly and walked faster, pushing through the storm before it could fully develop. At his side the hyperactive redhead staggered a bit, clearly having difficulty against the blizzard. 

They made it to the bus stop but to their dismay there were no buses, not in the next 5 minutes maybe. They prepared for the longest 5-10 minute wait of their lives.

'Why the hell didn't I check the weather?' Kageyama berated himself for simply peaking out a window to decide what to wear. He wasn't usually this reckless either, he checks the weather all the damn time! It must be Hinata's recklessness rubbing off on him and honestly he should've seen it coming with how often they hang out anyways. He continued to curse the weather inside his head.

After hearing Hinata shivering and sniffling for 5 minutes and no bus turned up though, Kageyama had enough of it.

"Oi," the raven called out to grab his attention. "I'm giving you your gl-"

"No!" Hinata quickly reacted, putting his hands up as if the other would hit him or something. Kageyama kissed his teeth with a shake of his head.

"You're shaking like a leaf, dumbass. Here."

The process of pulling the garments off was stopped by Hinata holding onto his hands with an iron grip. The determination written on his face frightened Kageyama just a little bit and he paused.

"I won't wear them," his teeth clattered just a little. "you keep them, okay?"

"Huh?"

"Just do it."

Kageyama sighed, what a weirdo. 

He thought he was a weirdo again when 10 seconds later the redhead hadn't let go of his hands and continued to shake and shiver. With a sigh, Kageyama placed his own hands over Hinata's. It was then that he realized just how much bigger his hands were than the other's, but of course they were. Yet, Hinata's gloves fit him perfectly. He guessed the guy had gotten a bigger size, or maybe they were just stretchy.

He held them tightly between his own, doing his best to cover every inch of skin exposed to the cold weather. When he leaned down to breathe on them he realised just what he was doing and looked up.

Hinata stared at him intensely, his cheeks red from the cold with his nose to match. He looked a little weirded out, just a little. Kageyama breathed on his small hands anyways, it's not like the dumbass was going to do anything to help himself anyways.

Another wave of snow hit them right before a car skidded down the road, honking loudly as it almost crashed into a lamp post.

They both cringed, removing their hands from each other and putting them back into their coats, savouring the warmth their pockets provided for just that first minute.

A bus still hadn't come and Kageyama began to worry. He and Hinata would be headed separate ways, after all his apartment was the opposite way from Hinata's shared dorm with another student named Kenma. Kenma, he's probably worried, isn't he?

"Did your roommate say anything? About how the storm?"

Hinata checked his phone and let out a gasp, "It's worse for Ishinomaki! How is it worse?!" He shoved his phone in Kageyama's face to show him the picture sent to him. Snow covered the front entrance of their university, as well as all the windows were coated with thick layers of it. The photo had been taken from a level above the ground, more than likely Hinata's dorm, and the streets can be seen which were filled with even nastier sludge. People on campus walked around with thick, wet winter coats and dirty boots.

"Gross," Kageyama said as he scrunched his nose. "I hate snow."

"Snow's not bad!" Hinata protested. "Just...inconvenient sometimes."

Kageyama shrugged, uncaring. He looked back at the place where the skidding car had left tire marks on the road, though the snow was quickly covering it as if to hide evidence of there ever being a car. Taking a bus was dangerous enough, but Hinata had to take two. He hummed to himself, contemplating what to do.

There was no choice, then. It couldn't be helped. He sighed.

"You're coming to my place."

Hinata looked up between snowflake coated eyelashes, "eh?"

"It's cold," Kageyama shrugged his shoulders to his ears. "and you're far from here. It's not safe."

"Ohhh!" The redhead bounced up and down and lightly punched the younger male in the arm. "Yamayama-kun is caring for me! Wahhhhh!"

Kageyama felt some heat rise to his cheeks for a change. It was a nice sensation against his cold cheeks until he realised that not only was it making him numb but he was also embarrassing himself.

"Shut up! If you die what am I supposed to do?!"

"WOAHHHHH!!!" Hinata exclaimed louder. "Tobio-kun really does care for me!"

Kageyama groaned at the increasing usage of nicknames and reached to grab Hinata's hair only for the boy to dodge.

"You're so annoying! If it wasn't this cold I'd kill you!"

"How's the cold stopping you?"

"Do you want to die? We can have that arranged."

Whichever reply Hinata was going to give him was cut off by the arrival of a bus pulling up in front of them. "Finally!" The redhead yelled and bounced up to the front with Kageyama in tow as he gave up on trying to attack the older male.

After paying their fair they sat side by side at the back of the bus by a window, pressed up against each other for warmth. 

Something that came out of being friends with Hinata is; he's affectionate. Extremely so. Something good happens? It deserves a high five, a fist bump, a hug. Something bad? You'll get your hug, maybe a pat on the shoulder. He was bored? He leans on you as he whines. He was excited? He would probably jump on your back.

At first Kageyama found this annoying. Scratch that, he still found it annoying. But somehow, it turned into a different kind of annoying. If comfortable annoyance was a thing, Kageyama would gladly use the term to explain Hinata's affectionate tendencies.

So, the male leaning his head against his shoulder was no longer a surprise. If anything, it was expected. Kageyama leaned his own head on top of his, his chin slightly tensing up at the cold feel of Hinata's wet hood. He ignored it.

"Kageyama," the tired voice reached his ear although it was slightly muffled by his shoulder. "is it far?"

Kageyama frowned, "my place?"

The smaller boy nodded.

"Not really, just 25 minutes from here."

After receiving no response, he frowned again. It wasn't too often the lively orange haired male went quiet. When he was, it was only for a short moment. He never really sounded groggy like just now, not at the same time as being quiet.

"Why?" Kageyama decided to also ask.

Hinata hummed, "tired."

Tired? He'd been quite normal no more than a minute ago. Besides, it was only 5 PM but Kageyama guessed it must've been how quickly it turns dark in the winter that affected his sleep. He bit his lip, "just hang in there and you can sleep once we're there."

A single nod was his only response.

They sat in silence for a moment. Well, silence amongst each other. Around them the other passengers chatted animatedly, playing videos on their phones and laughing on calls. A baby could be heard crying at the front of the bus, his mother doing their absolute best to soothe whatever discomfort caused the little boy to cry. Honestly, Kageyama hated when it got this loud. Having Hinata yell in his ears all the time was more than enough.

So instead, he focussed on the snowflakes falling onto the window, its intricate designs being traced by his eyes. While looking out through a small clearing of snow, he saw a car skid from afar. That made him cringe a little and check his phone for the time.

"Just 20 more minutes," he reminded Hinata.

The nod against his shoulder told him the other was still awake. It's not that anything bad would happen if Hinata fell asleep, he just didn't want to carry him in front of so many people. But, he could probably wake him up before their stop. He was considering it for a moment before Hinata raised a hand and clung onto him by the front of his jacket. 

"So tired," Hinata whined. "20 minutes is long."

"You can talk for 20 minutes."

"I can't."

"You always can."

Hinata sighed and sat up, removing both his hand and his head. Kageyama felt oddly cold at the loss of contact. Fuck winter, he thought. He hated the cold, really.

"Let's talk," the other male said through a loud yawn. "about our favourites."

"Favourites?" He quirked an eyebrow at his companion who nodded back at him.

"What's your favourite food?"

"You know it."

"What if it's changed?" Hinata countered.

Kageyama shook his head, "that never changes."

Hinata stared at him for a moment before flashing a wide yet tired smile, though it didn't quite reach his eyes. Sleepy Hinata was a little odd, Kageyama decided. He wasn't as loud, that's for sure. And yet, how do 2 quiet people communicate? He found that his lively attitude was easier to deal with than the quiet one.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

"Everything has to change eventually," the smile on Hinata's face didn't falter, his tired eyes staring into Kageyama's. The raven's breath shuddered, the other man wouldn't even break the eye contact. Before he could snap out of it, Hinata's grin widened and he broke out into a fit of laughter after snorting. 

"Your face!" He called out, "you got so serious!"

Kageyama clicked his teeth and shook his head, feeling stupid.

"You're one to talk, you said that so suddenly! What the hell, dumbass?!"

"Hush," Hinata clasped a cold hand over Kageyama's mouth which the man quickly slapped away. "my head hurts, you're so loud."

"Look who's talking," he crossed his arms. "You're awfully quiet now but you're loud literally every other second of your stupid life."

Hinata made a offended noise at the "stupid" part but otherwise ignored it.

"What's your favourite colour?" He asked instead.

"Blue."

"Why?"

"Just 'cause."

Hinata nodded at that like he understood something very grave and serious. Kageyama would've snorted at that if he didn't respond so quickly.

"I like yellow."

Looking back at the gloves he had given him, he wondered if they were also his favourite pair.

"Why?"

"Just 'cause."

"Checks out," It was Kageyama's turn to nod like it was a serious conversation just as he watched the art student do moments before. That earned him a tired laugh from the other.

"You can be funny sometimes, you know that?"

Kageyama held his head low, his bangs falling over his eyes, "you say that like it's surprising, asshole."

"I didn't mean it like that," Hinata weakly pushed his head. "It's just nice when you are. You're so serious all the time, doesn't it feel good to let loose? Even just a tiny bit?"

He hummed in response and they continued their game of favourites for the next 10 minutes.

"What's your favourite song right now?" 

"Spectre by Radiohead."

Hinata smiled as his head rocked back and forth from how close he was to passing out and sleeping right there on the bus, "can I listen?"

"We're almost at my place, though."

"We can listen there."

"If you don't fall asleep, dumbass."

"Shaddup."

By the next stop they were out on the street and on their way to Kageyama's apartment. He was just on the 5th floor, not all that high up at all. Usually he'd opt for the staircase but Hinata's tired state was most likely not ready to handle that so they took the elevator instead. 

Hinata leaned against the elevator rail, his eyes closing and opening rather quickly like he kept forgetting something. Probably forgetting to stay awake, knowing him.

Unfortunately the elevator was cold too, not as much as the outside but it didn't do them any favours in warming up. Hinata, who was looking pretty pale considering they were inside now, continued to shiver especially. Small bodies really can't handle the cold at all, Kageyama thought but didn't dare say the words out loud. The other wasn't scary, he just wasn't in the mood to get his ear told off. 

The door opened and they stepped out, Hinata trailing behind him as he led the way. 

525, home sweet home.

He held it open for the half dead redhead after unlocking it. They both sighed in content at the warmth of the somewhat cozy apartment. It wasn't the best, Kageyama knew that, but compare it to the icy weather they just experienced and this was what heaven was made of.

"Do you...want tea?" He offered Hinata as he set down the yellow gloves carefully on his top of his shoe rack, right at the space designated for scarves and hats. 

Hinata shook his head as he shrugged off the wet jacket and handed it over to the owner of the house who in turn hung it up in his small dark closet.

"Do you just wanna sleep?" Kageyama offered instead and received a weak nod.

He led Hinata to his small bedroom and gave him a shirt and pants to change into once he left the room. After 5 minutes passed and he went back in, the boy had his head against his pillow, his body uncovered by the blanket.

"Idiot," Kageyama said out loud at the boy's foolish decision. Wasn't he cold? He also noticed how big his clothes looked on his small frame, how the shirt swallowed him whole and the pants drowned him. Kageyama didn't know how to feel about that, it was kind of comical though.

He flipped an end of his blanket over Hinata's body, covering it as best as he could. When he turned to walk out the room, a hand caught his shirt loosely.

"Yama," Hinata slurred. "play the song."

"You're half asleep."

"Play it."

Kageyama sighed but obliged. Anything to get the tired male to sleep at this point worked with him.

He opened his spotify app and placed his phone at his bedside near Hinata, making sure the volume was just right.

Hinata's eyes fluttered to stay open the entire duration of the song before carefully shutting as the violin came to an end. Even and calm breaths filled the quiet room and those words were a rarity to use to describe the man.

At any other time Kageyama would've found it weird that someone could even fall asleep to a song like that but it must be the sleep taking over Hinata's body and mind.

He scoffed softly, "what was the point?"

-

They were lucky, truly. It was still the holiday's, meaning Hinata staying over had little to no inconveniences. 

Well, inconvenience trailed behind Kageyama like a puppy.

Living alone had its perks. No need to clean when you don't want to, sitting in your own trash wasn't necessarily something he was fond of though. It was definitely a relaxing thought either way.

You can come home when you like, there are no expectations. There are no curfews or obligations except his own. That was also convenient. Living in a small apartment required little furniture, that was the most convenient. 

It stopped being convenient, however, once you had guests over and realised you have no couch or extra bedroom.

"Son of a bitch," Kageyama muttered to himself by the time it was 11 pm and he felt drowsy. Hinata had been sleeping for a long time, so he should wake up soon. At least, he hoped so. If not, he'd probably end up sleeping on the stiff brown chair at his matching brown table.

He studied his apartment for a second, something he didn't think to do often.

There was no point to do so anyways, it's not like he spent time anywhere but his room. And yet, he found that his lack of furniture was a little bothersome.

A small, brown, kitchen table with a matching chair. A small shelf with textbooks, souvenirs, and old bus tickets and receipts. A lonesome lamp, a small uncomfortable sofa with a tv in front of it.

He'd have to sleep on that, probably.

His eyebrows creased as he thought about Hinata sleeping. He had been so energetic, did the cold really tire him out like that? They'd been out in the cold before that, but the redhead hadn't ever been quite like that. He clicked his tongue, most likely a fever or something.

He didn't see an hour later when Hinata staggered out of his room and placed a blanket over him and the dull brown couch.

-

"Good morning!"

"Mornin…"

"You slept long!"

"One to talk, do you think you're sick?"

"No."

-

By the next Monday, Hinata was back in Tokyo for a week. 

Family business again.

This would happen every month from then on.


	3. to have somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> going away

Spring rolled around slowly, the cold decided to stretch out all the way until April. Annoying like always, nature never seemed to be on Kageyama's side.

Leaves began to sprout from trees now, finally bringing some colour to the world. Not that it changed too much, but it was nice to see something over than grey slush all over.

The sound of soft piano keys filled the blue Toyota Mirai as Hinata drove past multiple corner stores. Kageyama had been quite annoyed by Hinata's own choice of music earlier, SID could be cool, he admitted that to himself, but mix that with the sound of the redheads loud voice and it became quite bothersome. They opted instead for Kageyama's playlist of random classical pieces, Hinata seemed to find it a little boring though.

That is, until the last song finished.

"What was that one called?"

Kageyama shrugged before picking up his phone and checking for the answer, "reunited."

"By?"

"Joh-Jonny-," he struggled to read the english name. "Sa-Sa….Sow-"

"Just send it to me on my phone!"

He kissed his teeth at the impatient driver but complied, quickly sending a link to his phone.

"So," Kageyama put his phone away and crossed his arms in the passenger seat. "you still didn't tell me where we're going."

Hinata seemed to think about it for a moment.

Looking out the window, Kageyama noticed they were nearing the river they met at months ago, way back in September when Hinata had pestered him into keeping in contact.

Of course, it looked different now. The leaves were no longer fallen, revealing every inch of the moist soil and grass that lined above the narrow body of water. Surrounding trees casted shadows onto Hinata's car as they came to a halt.

"Let's go away."

"What?" He turned back to see the other male unbuckling his seatbelt, yet he stayed in the car. He followed his actions.

"Let's go places," Hinata repeated with a determined smile as he faced the other. Despite his usual smile that Kageyama had grown accustomed to, his words held a certain seriousness. It was still odd.

"You idiot," Kageyama pushed his head lightly. "we have schoo-"

"Do you truly care about that?"

The look on Hinata's face intensified. His smile was replaced by a straight line and his golden brown eyes seemed to stare right into Kageyama's centre, everything that made him whole. He shivered at that.

Hinata got like that sometimes, it wasn't often but it definitely threw him off guard every time. Something intensified within him every time, there was this certain, daring look. To put simply, it was more than a little scary.

His words took a bit of time to process, but soon he realised what the boy with the crazy idea in front of him meant. 

It was February, when the both of them had gone on a drive for the first time. Their destination? A simple park bench.

'So,' Hinata had started as he dragged his pencil across his paper, hiding it far away from the other as much as he could. The boy insisted his manga was a secret. 'what did you want to do?'

'Huh?'

'Before you took business,' he clarified with his honey brown eyes forming into crescents from his smile. Weirdo. 'What did you want?'

Kageyama sighed, a huff of warm air flying into the cold wind. Despite knowing each other for a few months, they never spoke about his dreams. He wasn't sure he wanted to start.

'I told you, nothing.'

Hinata's smile faltered. He closed his sketchbook and placed it in front of him on the bench, setting his pencil down right on top. 

'Tobio,' he started but Kageyama started, throwing his hands up as if to defend himself.

'Eh?! Why'd you use my-'

'Because we're friends.'

He stared blankly at the paler male. Hinata was looking at him with a serious and determined face, his red gloved hands balled up into fists. Kageyama stared back with his lips slightly parted, feeling his lips dry slightly at the contact of the cold wind. His own yellow gloved hands faltered in the air, coming down to his lap. 

Friends...

'Friends can be trusted,' Hinata grabbed his hand. 'you can tell me!'

Kageyama still felt uncomfortable with physical affection every now and then. Despite Hinata being so touchy feely, he didn't ever really reach for his hand. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

'Friends,' he said out loud as if to test out the words.

'Seriously?!' Hinata groaned. 'You're shocked? Didn't I say we should be friends to begin with?!'

'What?' Right, that's the only reason they were hanging even now. 'Oh, uh, yeah.'

The aspiring mangaka pulled his hand away and picked up his sketchbook, this time putting it in his bag before straightening up and putting his hands in his lap. Attention, Kageyama decided, he was trying to show him his attention was on him. 

Hinata had always been good at that, letting him know when he was serious. Kageyama appreciated it a lot, considering he always sucked at communicating let alone knowing if someone truly cares about something he's saying.

'So,' the redhead began again. 'what did you want to do?'

Ah, but it's not so simple to say despite being friends.

'It's not that important.'

Hinata turned so his back pressed against the cold bench, sighing with his arms crossed. Kageyama mimicked, crossing his own arms and staring up at the sky. Ugly and gray like always, that wasn't new. Cold and windy, the usual of course. 

Wind picked up and hit him straight in the face, pushing his bangs back and almost forcing a tear out his left eye. Damn weather, Miyagi in the winter was never pleasant.

Well, Miyagi was never pleasant.

'You're not used to friends, are you?'

Kageyama turned his attention back to the other. Hinata was looking at him, a small smile on his face. Yet his tired eyes conveyed a different emotion, one that made the taller man want to shrink. Was it pity? 

'What?' He clicked his tongue.

Hinata's lips pursed and he closed his eyes, 'do you hang out with other people?'

Kageyama scoffed at that, 'yeah, you. Unfortunately.'

'Shaddup!' He caught the small fist before it could hit him in the chest. 

'Anyways,' Hinata sighed. 'anyone else?'

That made Kageyama think. 

Since September they have been hanging out, a lot. Twice a week had turned into 3, then 4, then 5. He usually didn't see the other man during the weekend, though that had been an exception the few times Hinata had come to visit his apartment. 

In that time, they did all sorts of things. Hinata would draw or do some sort of art homework that Kageyama didn't understand. On the other hand, Kageyama would study. Or at least, he'd attempt to. Even though Hinata can be a focussed person at times it didn't stop him from still erupting into fits of giggles at the remembrance of a joke or video he saw. 

Sometimes they'd go out for lunch together, grabbing some cheap convenience store snacks despite Hinata having the money to get something much better. They found they both enjoyed convenience store food over some fancy restaurant stuff anyways, if they're gonna be university students they might as well get the full experience, right? 

'It's great in Miyagi!' Hinata had told him. 'The convenience stores just feel more homey, plus the foods actually pretty good!'

To which Kageyama had scoffed at, 'doubt it's better than Tokyo.'

'It is!'

Other times they would race each other or just go for jogs together, short ones that is.

'I used to be good at running!' The weakling would whine as he panted, bending over his with one hand on his knee and the other on his chest.

'Used to means nothing!'

'Shut up!'

His life was basically overthrown by the hyper orange haired bastard. The time they spent not hanging out, they spent texting or sometimes video calling. Of course, most of the conversations were led by Hinata except when the boy would bring in music, or food, or a movie Kageyama actually took interest in.

He didn't even have time for anyone else.

'No.'

Hinata ummed to let the other know he heard him. He turned back and cocked his head to the side,

'Why?'

Kageyama shrugged with a small scowl, 'I just suck at it I guess.'

'Always?'

'Huh?'

'Did you always suck at it?'

Did he always suck at talking? At making friends? Of course. Kageyama Tobio was not a social butterfly, not ever. Did anyone except for this crazy midget want to be his friend? Not really.

'Yeah,' he sighed again. 'always.'

Another wave of silence met them. Hinata seemed to understand it was hard for Kageyama to open up, he didn't push him, he always listened, Kageyama realised. In the months they'd gotten to know each other, Hinata was patient as surprising as it is. 

If they were friends, it was okay to tell him, wasn't it? This was Hinata. Just suddenly, so suddenly he wanted to say it, to just tell him everything.

So he'll tell him everything he feels is okay.

'I really,' Kageyama braced himself for an invisible impact. 'really love volleyball.'

Hinata's head snapped up, meeting Kageyama's eyes with his own. Unexpectedly a smile slowly formed on his face, he awed at him.

'I love volleyball,' he repeated a little louder as he gained the confidence. 'I wanted to go pro.'

'What?!' Hinata laughed with good intention, straightening up a bit and smiling even wider. 'I used to play when I was younger! I just didn't continue, were you really that good to go pro?!"

'Yeah,' he slumped further in his seat, a somewhat bubbly feeling forming in his chest. 'I was.'

The other 'Guahhh'd' at him loudly, his bright eyes sparkling in amazement. Kageyama would be lying if he said it didn't fill him with pride. Hinata seemed to remember his original question, though.

'Then why not go pro?' He put his fists down.

'Father said no. So now I take business.'

'But-'

Kageyama put a hand up, not wishing to discuss it any further. 'Please...don't push it.'

And Hinata, though seemingly unsatisfied with the answer, dropped the subject. 

'Your smiles have gotten less scary,' he said after a while, resulting in Kageyama pushing his head away and yelling,

'They're not scary!'

'They were before!'

In march, Hinata told him offhandedly one day,

'Why do something you hate?'

Nothing had prompted it.

Kageyama's mind shifted back to the present. Hinata continued to stare at him intensely, his hand finding its way to Kageyama's wrist.

"Why do something you hate?"

Hinata repeated his words from 2 months ago and now, the other man understood.

With a smirk, he shook his head at his friend. 

"You shouldn't."

Hinata dropped his hand, a wide and content smile spreading across his face as he started up the car again. 

They drove in comfortable silence to Kageyama's apartment.

-

Pencil scratches could be heard filling the small, boring apartment. The paint had begun to peel and Kageyama cringed as he looked up from his cup of tea. 

Turning towards the window, it didn't seem much better outside. It wasn't ugly, it was just boring. Boring old trees he had to look at everyday, boring convenience shops just ahead, boring old parking lot. 

Miyagi truly sucks, he thought.

"Yamayama," Hinata walked up to him, leaning his back against the wall by the window and flashing a tired smile. "when are you ready to go?"

Kageyama quirked an eyebrow, pushing the other to explain himself. Of course, the redhead did just that.

"To our first stop, that is."

He shook his head, still confused, "our first stop?"

"We have many places to go to!"

Kageyama scratched the back of his head uncertainly, "go to where, though?"

"Don't question it!" He whined. Kageyama complied, he didn't have the brain power to question the others motives today. Especially not when he was being weird. "Are you ready?"

"Uh, I guess?" He shrugged. "But, where?"

"You'll see!"

With a click of his tongue, he snapped light heartedly, "that doesn't sound menacing at all!"

Hinata pushed himself off the wall and began to walk towards his door.

"Just follow m-" without warning or enough time for either of them to react, Hinata fell forward onto his knees and hands with a grunt. 

Kageyama cursed under his breath and rushed to his side, placing a hesitant on the boy's frail shoulder. The bone underneath his blue sweater poked the other's hand. Was he always this skinny? 

He ignored that issue, instead focusing on Hinata who seemed to be winded as if someone had punched him in the stomach.

"What the hell happened?" He demanded.

"I," Hinata quietly started. "I got dizzy."

Kageyama kissed his teeth, "so you pant for air?"

"Shut up!" The redhead seemed to catch his breath and stood up, patting down his knees and clapping his hands off any dirt that might've gotten on them. "It shocked me when I fell!"

The younger rolled his eyes, "you should eat something, dumbass." He made his way to the kitchen as the other sat down on his sofa.

"Here," Hinata caught the granola bar that had been tossed to him. "you're not going anywhere til you eat."

"Yes, mother," Hinata groaned but happily unwrapped his snack with a smile. It fit, Kageyama thought, Hinata being happy over something simple like food. It was better than when he was tired randomly, like a minute ago, that's for sure. Like right now, though both things were happening at once and left the former volleyball player unsure of how to feel.

He sat down in his lonesome chair at the table, tapping away at the surface as Hinata ate the granola bar. Time seemed to move slowly.

"Say," Hinata broke their silence like always. "do you wanna drive?"

Kageyama let out a sound between a scoff and a snort. "You know I suck."

The other hummed, folding up his empty granola wrapper as small as he could. Kageyama saw his tired eyes, the way his shoulders slumped a little more today than usual. Not good, it wasn't safe either if Hinata was even asking him, an absolute failure at driving, (though with a license, how did that happen? Kageyama still had no clue) to take the wheel today.

With a sigh, he stood up and walked in front of the other male. The redhead looked up at him with questioning eyes. Kageyama noticed the puff of bruises underneath them, how today they were just a little worse. How hadn't he noticed before?

Kageyama shook his head as held out a hand for Hinata to take.

"Not today."

Hinata's hand stopped mid reach, "huh?" 

"You're not going anywhere today."

"But-" He tried to protest but Kageyama cut him off by grabbing his wrist and dragging him.

"Not today," he repeated, a little angry. Just a little. Hinata dropped it, allowing himself to be led to the small bedroom.

Kageyama picked out a set of pajamas and handed them over to Hinata, which the man took wordlessly. He slipped into his bathroom to change. On the way, he seemed to stumble.

What the hell?

He carefully prepared his bed for the tired male, as well as a glass of water. He waited patiently for about 5 minutes before checking on the other. Why was it taking so long to change into some pj's?

"Hinata," Kageyama wrapped his knuckles on the bathroom door. "why are you taking so long?"

No response.

"Oi," he tried again. "I asked what's taking so long."

Still, he got no response. Kageyama rubbed the back of his neck as he walked back to the living room, waiting for just a minute in case Hinata would finally step out. He didn't though, and so once again he stood in front of the door and rapped his knuckles on it.

"Hinata," a harsher knock, "are you okay?"

Silence.

"Hinata! S-Shouyou! Open the door! What's wrong?!"

Kageyama pressed his body against the door to attempt to open it but to no avail, it was locked. What the hell? Why wasn't he fucking responding?

"Shouyou! Open up! Shou-Shouyou! This isn't funny!"

He gave the door another push before he heard a click and backed away as a lightning fast speed.

"Shouyou?" Hinata stepped out hesitantly as he yawned and rubbed his eye. The pj's hung loosely off his shoulder, making Kageyama worry about the other man's weight again. And god, his skin was looking a little pale.

"My," he smiled lazily and distracted him from his thoughts. "you used my first name. How kind."

"Shut up!" Kageyama bit and grabbed him by his small shoulder. "What were you doing?!"

"Quiet down, will you?" Hinata winced at the booming voice. "I just fell asleep."

Monotonously now, "you fell asleep...while changing."

Hinata straightened up like a soldier, though a lot lazier, with a hand over his eyebrow. "Yes!"

"You dumbass, " Kageyama sighed and grabbed his wrist. He led him back to his room. Hinata lazily trailed and stumbled on the way, groaning a bit in the process.

"You're going to sleep!" Kageyama crossed his arms over his chest, daring the other to protest. 

"Okay," Hinata didn't, thankfully he actually laid down, even curled in on himself a little bit. He didn't put a blanket over himself though, so Kageyama did it for him.

"Y'know, Yama," Hinata tiredly slurred as he yawned.

He finished tucking him in, and sat at the side of the bed. "What is it?"

"You," Hinata reached out with a hand, grasping the air. It took the other man a moment to realise he was reaching for him. Awkwardly, he put his own up and their hands interlocked. What the hell-

"You really care about me...to react like that, huh?"

Kageyama felt heat rise to his cheeks, "Shut up, dumbass. What was I supposed to do if there was a dead body in my apartment?!"

Hinata laughed quietly, opening his eyes just a fraction. "You thought I was dead? You're so weird, Tobio." 

"Shut up!" Kageyama repeated and this time he was positive even his ears were red. "You're the weird one falling asleep so suddenly!"

"Quiettt," the half asleep male whined and shook their hands back and forth. Kageyama was still unsure how to feel about this sort of contact. "your obnoxious voice is hurting my head."

"You're one to talk about being obnoxious."

"Tobio," Hinata shook their hands again and Kageyama felt himself soften a bit at the constant usage of his first name. Not many people did that, afterall. Hinata did sometimes but, not as often as he'd use something annoying like Yamayama.

"Call me Shouyou from now on, alright?," his grip on his hand started to loosen from the daze of sleep taking over slowly but surely.

Kageyama sighed as he was about to refuse but Hinata beat him to any response. He squeezed his hand and spoke again.

"We're friends, I'm also older than you," he yawned and his words slurred a bit more. "you call m' wha' I tell ya to."

Kageyama clicked his tongue and turned his head away, taking his hand with him as he crossed his arms. Kind of like a child, but Hinata made him feel like that a lot. It was nearly impossible to keep his composure around him.

"You're barely older but fine," he gave in anyways. Dang it, he should probably fight on it but right now, in this moment, Hina-no, Shouyou looked so peaceful, a major contrast to earlier when he couldn't catch his breath. It was just 4 PM and yet here was this orange haired bastard laying in his bed again, about 10 seconds away from passing out. 

An unsettling feeling welled up in Kageyama's chest. He didn't know if it was because this was the second time the boy was so sleepy to the point of almost passing out (well, apparently this time he did pass out) or because it was in his bed.

"Tobio," Shouyou quietly said after a minute.

"What is it?"

Shouyou incoherently mumbled, so Tobio moved closer.

"Huh?"

He mumbled again, causing the other to lean in further.

"Didn't catch that, what did you-"

In a flash he was flayed over the side of the smaller body, a hand on his back. He had yelped and stiffened at the contact. To say it was uncomfortable was an understatement.

"Oi, what are you doing?!" Tobio moved to get up before a loose hand gripped the front of his shirt.

"Stay…"

His eyes widened, he was sure his face was on fire. This wasn't embarrassing at all.

"You're warm," Shouyou pulled him down again and gave no sign of giving up so reluctantly, Tobio crawled over and laid down next to him, keeping his distance.

"Do...do friends do shit like this?" 

Shouyou seemed to hesitate, probably because he was so tired he couldn't think straight. Clearly, who just pulls their friend on top of them so suddenly and tells them to sleep with them if they're not out of it?

"Yeah," he finally replied. "they do, so you," he continued through a yawn, "you should do i' wih me too."

"You're so annoying," Tobio complained and flipped the blanket over him, but not without a scowl and practically boiling face.

"You don't think that," Shouyou reached for his hand again. Tobio found that he didn't want to resist, not really. They laced their fingers together but not without the raven almost flinching from the sensation. 

"What makes you think that?"

"You wouldn't be here with me," Shouyou mumbled.

And Tbio sighed, propping himself up on his elbow. He was right, unfortunately.

"No, I guess I wouldn't be."

"G'night," Shouyou yawned one last time before his grip loosened. His breathing evened out shortly, his chest rising steadily. 

"Dumbass," Tobio sighed. "it's not night time yet."

He laid there, watching the other boy sleep for about an hour. It sounded a little off even to him, but this was his house and this was his bed and he wasn't tired AND Shouyou was still holding his hand so, he kinda didn't have much of a choice.

Shouyou was worrying him, granted the last time he fell asleep like this was months ago but he had looked more tired lately. Now that tobio thought of it, his eyebags have gotten worse. Since they first met, Shouyou was bright and shined like the biggest star, but there was always a rather tired look that accompanied him. It seemed to have gotten worse and as his friend Tobio should, no, will talk to him about it at some point.

Watching his body rise and fall, he also remembered again how skinny the other male was. Again, he was skinny when they met as well. 

Was he just now noticing the steady weight drop, or has this been gradual without him even noticing? Maybe it was a diet.

Tobio wished he paid a little more attention to Shouyou from the beginning. As much as he thought he'd regret saying it, being friends with the redhead was nice. He was chatty, he was loud, he was way too cheery far too often but, it wasn't necessarily all that bad.

Shouyou's touchy, really touchy. Tobio wasn't, not at all.

Well, that was slowly changing.

As opposed to flinching everytime the boy rested his head against him, he found himself welcoming the gesture when it happened. Sometimes Shouyou would feed him something, in return Tobio would ruffle his hair. Or maybe when the smaller boy would rest his feet on his lap, or when he'd rub his shoulders, that was nice. Tobio didn't push it away, not like always.

Not like before, when he had no one.

His cheeks and lips began to tingle a little bit, as well as his hand where Shouyou held onto it. A weird feeling in his stomach swirled, travelling to his heart rapidly. It was warm.

Huh, he smiled to himself, having someone is nice.


	4. mundo

"So what's this one called?"

"I know it's over."

"By?"

"The Smith's."

"My, Tobio," Shouyou chuckled behind the wheel, taking a turn to the left. "your music taste is totally wack."

They had been playing music back and forth for an hour, checking out each other's music like usual. Of course, Shouyou played random J-rock, J-pop, and even K-pop. Upbeat music, he liked that a lot. something like one ok rock, akb48, random kpop songs he's never even heard. 

Tobio, on the other hand, preferred something more mellow. Something like Radiohead, he listened to them a lot. Summer Salt was good too, he thought. Roar, Sukima Switch, The Smith's, those were enjoyable to him. Of course, classic music was his thing too.

But, Shouyou apparently didn't like the smiths, proving once again that Tobio reigns supreme.

"Shut up! Why would you ask then?!" He demanded from the passenger seat. "Yours is worse anyways!"

"You shut up! Mine is great and you know it," another turn.

"No, no, it's absolute trash," Tobio insisted as he flipped through a magazine. 

"Whatever," Shouyou shoved him with one hand still on the wheel. He hadn't been too insistent on fighting today, not like usual.

The raven haired male looked up to see he was staring ahead blankly, a focussed look and yet...something was off.

He sighed, "spit it out."

"Huh?" Shouyou's fiery bangs were swept back by the wind as he whipped his head around. The wind was picking up Tobio's bangs too, the breeze was honestly annoying him though. 

He rolled up the window on his side, "you clearly have something to say," intense blue eyes met surprised brown ones. "so say it."

Shouyou laughed, flashing a smile at his friend.

"Nothing gets past you, huh?"

"You should know that."

"Of course I know!" The redhead pouted and focussed his attention back to the road, probably thinking of a way to respond. Tobio gave him that time.

"I'll tell you later."

Tobio was about to protest before seeing the expression on the barely older boy's face. 

He had gotten good at reading Shouyou's facial expressions, really good. Naturally the boy was extremely emotional, he wore his heart on his sleeves. You can tell when he's happy, when he's sad, when he's nervous, when he's struggling. It was easy to tell, it was easy for everyone that met the hyperactive shrimp.

But he did have that one expression.

A smile, but not his usual smile. His smile wouldn't reach his eyes as much as it normally would, it wouldn't throw off a lot of people though. And his nose would crinkle a lot less, that was noticeable. Despite the outwardly happy appearance, his emotions beyond it were still visible.

It's fear, Tobio figured.

You'd have to know him for a long time, or maybe just spend enough time to recognize that's what that face was. 

He knew him well enough.

So he didn't push it, instead he turned back to his phone and waited til they arrived at their first stop.

But, it didn't mean he didn't look over at Shouyou's face every 10 seconds to see the expression. Something was so mesmerizing, hypnotic.

Shouyou looked...good like that, too. Wait, too?!

And of course, Tobio silently died of embarrassment.

-

"We're here!" Shouyou stopped the car and unbuckled his seatbelt. Tobio followed suit, stepping out the car and shutting the door. It wasn't until he actually looked ahead of him that he realised where they were.

"Oi…"

"It's exciting, isn't it?!" Shouyou bounced up and down in excitement, pulling a bag over his shoulder. 

The sign…he knew that dreadful sign.

"Zao fox village…"

"Yup!"

"Nah," Tobio shook his head and facepalmed. "why are we here?" This was awful.

He was pulled ahead by his arm as they went into a slight jog, reluctantly of course he picked up his feet.

"To see the foxes!" 

A frown, "The..foxes."

-

Kageyama fucking hated foxes. His reason? He had none. No valid reasons at least, mostly he thought they were annoying and ugly. It was one of those things you disliked just cause, like how everyone dislikes leather couches because ew its just fucking ugly. Foxes, he's making him play with foxes.

Shouyou sat back on his heels and happily played with the nasty creature in front of him, giggling and smiling as it tried to catch his hand.

For over 2 hours they sat there with these animals and the entire time, the redhead hadn't stopped smiling. Don't his cheeks hurt?

"You really do love foxes, huh?"

"Yeah!" Shouyou beamed and fed the fox another treat. "They're cute, aren't they?"

Tobio grimaced, "no." 

It earned him a hard look from the smaller male before his eyes widened and mouth formed into a smile, frantically pointing behind Tobio.

"Look at that one!"

He turned to see a fox on a tree log curled up with its tail over its nose. Calm and even breaths rose the foxes chest, indicating it was in its slumber. He looked almost frozen for the rest of him though, kind of creepily.

"It's just sleeping," Tobio deadpanned and stood up. He shoved his hands into his pockets and sighed, this wasn't necessarily boring, he was with his friend after all, but foxes just bring his mood to a new low. Just something so annoying about them.

"So?" Shouyou stood up too and lightly pushed his shoulder  
"It's so cool!"

Tobio pushed him back, "this is why I thought you were a highschooler when we met."

"Shut it! Is it so bad that I find them cool, huh?!" The redhead moved to push him again only for his hand to be stopped by Tobio's bigger one. They playfully pushed against each other. "You cold hearted bastard!" Shouyou laughed out loud.

"Keep it down! People are looking!" 

Sure enough, children looked up at them in concern whilst everyone else around them had more annoyed faces. Shouyou instantly shut up, flushing at the attention they received.

"They're cool and you know it," he crossed his arms and dake pouted, still complaining and not backing down.

"Okay, okay!" Tobio gave up and flew his hands in the air. "Gee, why do you like foxes so much anyways?"

They walked over to a pair of foxes sleeping on each other as Shouyou answered. 

"Not sure, they're just interesting aren't they?"

Tobio's lips turned down, interesting? Those demons? "How?" 

"Well," Shouyou played with the ends of his sleeves as he looked down at the creatures. "they're kinda like you, to be honest. Quiet and sly, they kinda look grumpy all the time, plus when they speak they're scary. "

"Oi!" Tobio bonked him on the head. "You really suck sometimes you know that?"

Like a child, Shouyou stuck out his tongue and laughed. 

"I'm not that scary," he crossed his arms and even to himself he knew he probably looked like he was pouting. Before when speaking to people, Tobio wouldn't show much emotion in conversations. And if he did it was definitely never something childish like whining. Damn Shouyou, he's changed him too much. 

"You've definitely gotten better!" The honesty in Shouyou's voice was very much present. "But you can still be scary, just, naturally. You know what I mean?"

Tobio squatted down to look at the foxes more intently. These ones were a little cuter than the rest. "If I'm so scary, why'd you wanna be friends?"

"I like a challenge," Shouyou bent down next to him, accidentally leaning to the side too far and knocking into his shoulder. Tobio placed a hand on his elbow, supporting his weight as he adjusted back. Even his elbow was so skinny, the bone was basically poking through. What the hell?

He snapped out of it. Ask later, later would be better.

"It's challenging to be friends with me?"

"No, I just thought it would be," he smiled and poked Tobio's forehead. "I was wrong!"

A pit formed in his stomach. No, not a pit, or, not a bad one at least.

It was that weird feeling again.

-

"Do you want to grab something to eat on the way?" Tobio asked as they buckled up. It had been hours since they last ate and though he usually didn't eat at 10 pm, he really didn't want Shouyou to go without a meal. He himself was pretty hungry too, if he was honest. Nothing was really waiting at his apartment either.

"Sure," the redhead yawned and started the car, rolling down the windows. "where to?"

"Dunno," Tobio yawned too, snuggling down into his seat. "anything you're craving?"

"Not really, you wanna go for Mcdonalds?"

"Fuck it," he replied lazily. "anything you consume is just fuel, I'll eat the garbage too."

That made Shouyou laugh hard, for whatever reason.

"What's so funny?"

"It's just," he pulled out the parking lot. "you're much funnier when you're hungry. Or cold. Or tired."

Lights gleamed in Tobio's eyes and he winced. Right, driving at night had it's down sides. 

"So what you're saying is I'm only funny when I'm suffering."

"Ha!" Shouyou laughed so loud he scared the other. "Jesus, when you put it like that, I'm an asshole!" A turn. "I'm just saying you're fun when you're like, I don't know, carefree!"

Tobio hummed, "carefree, huh? Interesting." 

He connected his phone to the car's bluetooth and soon music filled the Honda Mirai.

Shouyou perked up at the sound, "Oh, it's that one again! Spectre!"

He nodded at the older boy, watching how his eyes seemed to light up a bit. He smirked.

"Thought my music was ass?"

"This one's good!" Shouyou yelled in defense. "Hush now! Let's just listen."

And listen they did. Tobio stared out the window, the night stars shined brightly above them, the moon illuminating everything around it in rings. It was fun today, full of bustling around, the calmness of the scene was really fitting, he thought.

It was their 4th day away from university, away from all their responsibilities. In that time, they'd been on 3 trips. 

Zao Fox Village turned out to be somewhat fun, Tobio even took a slight liking to foxes. They kind of had the same effect as his fire haired friend. Maybe they're a little disturbing from how orange they are, a little bit overbearing with their presence. But, there was something so mysterious to them. Something more. He knew why he connected them with Shouyou and at the same time, he felt the correlation was odd. 

Stupid brain.

Mount Kurikoma on the 3rd day was fun, especially as they took the day before to rest and watch movies all day. Seriously, Shouyou was making him lazy.

Only for a day though, because the hike around the mountain was disastrous on his feet which blistered.

'Fuck this,' he had groaned as they drove back. He rubbed at his feet while Shouyou drove, like always.

'It's okay!' He tried to comfort the injured male. 'Tomorrow's gonna be easier!'

And easier, it was. Despite them just spending the entire time at a mall, they enjoyed themselves. Shopping could be fun with the right people, Tobio thought.

The violin in the song filled his ears and filled a need in his body for the sound. Music had power, truly. Some songs make you long to hear certain parts, make you anticipate their bridges and choruses and make you feel the impact. That's something Tobio liked about Radiohead, though he couldn't understand the lyrics he felt he could understand its emotion. 

A little ironic, considering he sucks with emotions. It proved to be effective, then. 

"I like this song a lot."

Shouyou was looking ahead of him with a fond smile on his face. The lights from cars before them illuminated his features, making his eyes shine and all his cheeks glow. He looked away from the blinding sight before he got caught awkwardly staring. 

"Surprised you remembered it."

"Of course!" Shouyou turned with one hand, pulling out his phone to play the next song. "I really liked it that one time."

Which was weird, because he was half asleep-no, he was 99% asleep. Then again, the guy had said thank you by the end. Still weird.

"Here," he said as Spectre came to an end. "I think you'll like this one."

Tobio flipped his grey hoodie over his black hair, tightening and tying the drawings around his face. He probably looked stupid but it was so, so comfortable sitting so relaxed and listening to music with the windows down. 

The new song played through in a language which was unknown to Tobio. Yeah, he didn't search for the language despite knowing the song well. Nonetheless, it was enjoyable. It definitely matched the current feeling of the night, of their trip.

They drove in silence, just appreciating the music that blissfully filled their ears. 

"I love the night time," Tobio sighed in content in the middle of the song's guitar break. 

Shouyou chuckled, "I know. It's like your natural habitat."

He couldn't disagree, night time was definitely his favourite time of the day. 

The rest of the drive to the nearest McDonald's went by similarly. Switching between songs they love, enjoying each and every one despite their differing tastes in music. Or, maybe, they weren't so different after all. If they enjoyed each other's taste so much, didn't just that mean they like the same things? Not only that but they were both pretty simple minded, they did whatever the other wanted to even if one of them disliked it, they both had a competitive nature even if they both knew Tobio would win at everything.

Wow, Tobio's eyes widened a fraction, they really had developed to be similar. That was unfamiliar.

Everyone had always been so different, so far away from him. It's not like he was anything special, he just knew he wasn't the same. He wasn't likeable, really.

Then, there's Shouyou. Wild and loud, bubbly and fun. He had friends, loads of them! There was something special, though Tobio couldn't place him.

How had they ever become friends, exactly?

The light versus the dark, he felt that their dynamic was similar to that of blended colours. Completely contrasting, blended splatters of paint.

"Woo hoo!" Shouyou cheered and snapped Tobio out his thoughts. "We're here! Let's go through the drive through, yeah?"

"Mhm," Tobio loosened his hoodie.

They ordered their food and to his surprise, the frail boy ate a lot. Seriously, a fucking lot. Despite the bones that poked out in some places of his body, he seemed to eat well. Tobio knew this already, of course, but seeing it was just a little shocking considering his appearance. He ate as much as himself for crying out loud.

They both sat cross legged in the backseats of the Honda Mirai, their food seated between them. McDonald's late at night felt much better than eating it in day time, that was undeniable.

The song from earlier continued to play through the car quietly. Tobio learned the language was Filipino, and my, what a beautiful language that was.

"I can't really remember the last time I ate alone," Shouyou said in between a bite. 

Tobio thought some, and he couldn't remember either.

Eating alone, that was so familiar back then too. Back when he was alone, alone with no friends. Of course, the highschool team he was on still tried to talk to him occasionally, but he couldn't consider them friends. Companions, more like. At most, acquaintances. Whichever it was, it never felt like the usual to eat with them.

Shouyou was more than that though, more than an acquaintance. They ate together so often, only a day or two were spent alone for tobio. No longer did he think about what to eat, Shouyou would usually help him solve that before it was an issue. 

Eating together, it was something so comfortable. So warm, so familiar to him. It was like breathing air at this point, if he's eating, Shouyou is there with him. 

He would eat with his grandpa all the time, the same things. It was a ritual to eat together specifically, not exactly apart from his mother and father but, he wouldn't mind missing meal times with them. With his grandfather? They had to, Tobio insisted on it when he was younger.

And when he passed, there was no one to eat with.

Of course, food is good no matter what, but having someone to eat with again is something that is so special to Tobio, something he so desperately longed for.

'Someone stronger will come and find you.'

Those words, what did he really mean? But nevermind that, why was he even thinking of it?

"Me neither," Tobio took a sip of pepsi through his straw. 

Shouyou ate his fries after that, chewing quietly and almost intensely focussing outside the window. They sat in the little parking lot of the McDonald's, so there wasn't much to see except for some other cars or the highway.

"You look like you're gonna explode," he deadpanned to his friend as he took the last bite of his burger. 

Shouyou snapped his neck, "I do not!"

"Yeah," he took another sip. "yeah you do."

The other grumbled and put down his fries, folding his hands in his lap and pursing his lips unsurely. That was a little concerning.

"Shouyou?"

He looked up in response to his name and sighed. His hands were folded as if in prayer, bringing them up to his lips and inhaling slightly.

"Please don't get mad at me."

"Huh?"

"Don't….don't get mad about what I ask you next, alright? Or, well," Shouyou stumbled on his words, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. Tobio put his drink down, folding his own hands in his lap. Attention, show him you're willing to listen, he told himself. 

"I don't want you to get ma-"

"I won't."

Shouyou gulped at that but continued anyway. His fingers met each other and tapped against one another, nervously fidgeting.

"Why do you go to university?"

"Huh?" Well that was anticlimactic. "Because I need to get a job for the rest of my life?"

Shouyou nodded at that though his face showed that's not what he wanted to hear. "I mean yeah, maybe, but, like, GUAHH!" He pulled at his hair in frustration. "I don't know how to-"

"Shouyou," Tobio crossed his arms, though he was concerned what got the redhead so nervous. "just put it...clearly."

…

"Shouyou?"

The boy was glaring at the window again and Tobio could almost see how difficult it was for him to get his words out. He wasn't always the best at explaining, that's for sure, but this was a bit much.

Shouyou took a deep breath before finally spitting it out.

"Why didn't you go pro for volleyball?"

Ah, this again. He still hadn't told him the reason, and Shouyou hadn't really pressed either. But clearly, it had been on his mind a lot. Was it normal for a friend to be so concerned over that? He thought it was weird, but friendship itself was weird. 

Friendship, that was something new to him still. Yet, he and Shouyou had been friends for quite some time. It was enough time, wasn't it? He could say it, he could probably say it and not worry or feel bad now, right? 

"I…" Yet it was hard to say.

And yet, his life has been hard for him in general. Fuck it, it was enough. Enough allowing everything to hold him down.

"I'm here," Shouyou stared at him with those eyes. THOSE eyes. The ones where he knew everything would be alright. The ones that held so much passion, so much promise.

It was okay.

Someone is here.

"My dad didn't want that."

And expectedly, it hurt to say out loud.

Shouyou frowned, "why not?"

"Wasn't...right for me...or something like that," he frowned too, feeling something invisible clench at his heart. This is why he didn't want to talk about it, wasn't it?

"Wasn't...right for you?"

Tobio sighed and fidgeted with his hands, "He had my life planned out already. He didn't really pay much attention before my 2nd year of highschool, then, he wanted me to take studying seriously. Didn't want an athlete for a son or something."

He was met with silence and for a moment he was afraid to look up, not wanting to be met with any sort of disapproval. And he wasn't, because Shouyou spoke suddenly.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Wow," he flinched a tiny bit. "you've never sworn like THAT before."

"Well this is bullshit!" 

He was upset? Upset...for Tobio. Somehow, that felt good and bad at the same time.

"Yeah...it is."

Shouyou crossed his arms, leaning against the car window and huffing out air. 

"Athletes are so successful! And cool! Why does it matter whether you're a businessman or not?! You'd be happy if you did what you wanted, wouldn't you?!"

Tobio found himself smiling sadly at that, "yeah, I would be."

Shouyou said nothing, as neither did he. A new song was playing, one Tobio didn't recognize. Though, it sounded like korean. It was nice, and he'd ask for it later, but he couldn't help but focus on the man in front of him and the pout on his lips.

Shouyou pulled his red hoodie over his orange hair, snuggling into himself. He seemed to sulk.

"You don't have to be that upset for me, you know," Tobio thought that he would be the one sulking, yet it was the one listening to his problems that was upset. That was kinda funny, kinda.

Shouyou sighed and straightened up, "what was the team like?"

"Oh," he scratched his neck. "most were good players. I think some weren't really needed, but it always switched around and so, it's kind of all over the place. I don't know," a sigh. "it was fun playing, just never really…"

"Never got close to them?" Shouyou finished for him.

He thought about Sugawara, the other setter on his team when he was still in 1st year. How he and the other third years, Daichi and Asahi, had tried to get him to open up but to no avail. They'd left highschool without getting through. Tanaka and Nishinoya, two regular second years and Narita, Ennoshita, and Kinoshita, also second years, tried to get him to take down a wall or two as well but to no avail he didn't really budge with them either, not much. Tsukkishima and Yamaguchi? They failed for 3 years but it's not like Tsukkishima even tried.

It's not that they didn't get along with Tobio, no, they just never could be comfortable enough. And yes, Tobio was aware that was his fault for not allowing it.

"No, not really," Tobio shook his head. 

Then, a hand reached for his own. He flushed but allowed it, allowed the other males frail fingers to wrap around his own again.

"Tobi," ah, the new nickname. "I'm really glad we're friends."  
His heart fluttered at that, his cheeks heat up from the intensity of it all. The tension in the air was rising, or maybe that wasn't it at all. All of a sudden he was aware of everything in the honda.

The smell of McDonalds food, the taste of pepsi in his mouth, the way the window was slightly smudged from when he accidentally touched it. 

Pulled out of his thoughts, his focus was back on Shouyou who squeezed and unsqueezed his hand over and over. He was unsure about something, that was certain.

"I'm," Tobio cleared his throat. "I'm really glad we're friends too."

At that, the smaller male smiled and went back to his fries, eating happily this time.

Well, that was weird. Weird, because the odd tingly feeling at the bottom of his stomach was back. Weird, because he was pretty again.

Weird, because he really wanted to kiss Shouyou.


	5. blinking game

They went on a few more trips after that. Silly and popular stores they seeked out, random mountains and trails and rivers.

Today, they went to the Ishinimori Manga Museum for obvious reasons.

"So," Tobio had shoved his hands in his pockets beside Shouyou. "is it everything you imagined?"

"Yes!" The smaller man exclaimed with a wide smile, his eyes forming crescents like always. "Isn't it beautiful?"

"The art's definitely good...The props are pretty cool, too."

And it was true, the manga museum didn't only sound cool, it WAS cool. They'd been here for 3 hours and still there was so, so much to look at. Shouyou especially enjoyed the section for One Piece and studio Ghibli. Kageyama himself watched anime but it seemed that Shouyou was a religious streamer. Well, that'd explain wanting to be a mangaka.

Shouyou was still writing his own manga, not having forgotten about it even when they went back to the car. 

The sketchbook sat at the back of his Toyota, basically calling out for Tobio. He itched to look at it. 

"Shouyou," the driver perked up at that.

"Hm?"

"Why can't I know anything about your manga?"

Shouyou inhaled deeply, a slight frown forming on his face. The ex volleyball player was about to apologize for asking before he beat him to it.

"Sorry, I'm just...it's a lot easier if I don't say anything."

Tobio hummed, "an artist thing?"

"An artist thing."

He leaned back into his seat, his eyes not leaving his friend's face. His eyes, he noticed again for the 1000th time since he's met him, they had such dark circles underneath them. It almost looked like fucking bruises and it was fucking terrifying at this point. Could someone's eyes really do that? Well, he guessed the proof was right there.

He continued staring, in the meantime also noticing how his hands seemed to tremble a little bit. His skin was paler than usual as well, only by a little bit.

In other words, he looked like shit.

Not that Shouyou was ugly, no. Never that, never. But, he didn't look okay at all.

In fact, if Tobio really thought about it, he hadn't ever looked okay.

"Shouyou, let me drive."

The other male snorted loudly, stifling a louder laugh behind his palm. 

"No way! You said you suck so we're not doing that."

Tobio clicked his tongue at that, "you look like you're gonna pass out again."

"I'm not going to!" 

"Yeah keep saying that, then when we die it'll be your fault cause you're a dumbass."

Shouyou laughed at that too although it also came with a punch to Tobio's shoulder. "We're not dying!"

Though he refused, the other could see his eyes get more and more droopy. Thankfully they made it back in one piece back to Tobio's apartment. Well, it didn't come without a few complications. The man had stumbled like a mad man multiple times, laughing like a drunk. At some point Shouyou actually fell on top of Tobio to which the man was forced to carry him halfway there from the elevator.

Unsurprisingly, although it was rare, Shouyou knocked out on his bed in the matter of 3 seconds.

That's the third time.

-

Right, the sleeping situation. Since that time that Shouyou and he slept together on his bed, it's been a similar situation. They were far apart, as far apart as you can get on a twin sized bed.

Well, it really wasnt all that fucking far apart to be honest.

So of course, Tobio often woke up with Shouyou splayed over him, arm around his waist, a leg over his, a head under his chin. Always overlapping, always close. What, was he supposed to make him sleep on the sofa? No. On the floor? For that long? Also no. 

Skinship, that was something new he experienced since meeting the other male. Unlike Tobio, Shouyou enjoyed physical interaction.

Well, physical interaction wasn't so bad anymore. Not after he got used to it. The older male made that very easy to adapt to, after all. 

When he woke up, it was no different. Shouyou's arm wrapped around his waist, the other carefully tucked under a cheek with drool spilling out the corner of his mouth. Tobio's own arm was unsurprisingly holding onto the boy's waist too and despite his embarrassment (even if this was the norm), the hand stayed put. 

The short males eyebags were especially evident in the morning, every time. The bruise-like area sat under thin black eyelashes, fluttering every now and then from a dreams interruption. His messy orange hair ran even more wild than ever in the mornings, strands flailing every which way. 

Pink lips parted slightly, sleepy sighs escaping evenly. His skin, despite being so pale, glowed in the mornings. The curtains didn't even have to be drawn back, they never did. He was his own sun.

Tobio laid there, admiring his friend. Yes, admiring because this couldn't be anything but. He almost exploded from humiliation right then and there, burying his face into his free arm.

Admiring his friend, what the hell was he doing?

And yet, he looked back at the boy before him. And fuck, he was smiling in his sleep. That put a smile on his own face and he had no doubt that this would look weird to anyone else, he'd probably look like a creep. Somehow, he didn't mind it.

Smiling, Shouyou made him do that a lot. 

But his smile would never be like Hinata Shouyou's. A smile so bright it brought light even to somebody like himself, there was no imitation, no competition.

And he thought about it, how his life has changed. Ever since this short, frail boy walked into his life, didn't he bring so much light? There were a lot of differences, and almost all of them were a result of Shouyou being here with him.

As frail and small as he may be, the presence of a sun followed him. Yes, he was like the sun. Exactly like it. And now, Tobio found the sun wasn't an inconvenience. Something like that has been on his mind for a while, the thought that Shouyou has changed the sun.

It was hard to handle so much change.

Talking, that was hard. Opening up, that was hard too. Making friends, touching others, getting close, that was so hard.

Finding someone he was comfortable to sleep in the same bed with, someone who held his hand and stole away his breath, someone who was so sure of his emotions it made his life simpler, made everything make sense. For the most part, of course.

Shouyou had his mysteries, everyone did. That's what made this fun, how one can be so open about something but still make him oh-so-confused. 

It was hard to find someone he wanted to eat with again.

And looking at that someone right now, that someone who looked so beautiful in his sleep, that fiery emotion blossomed again.

That same emotion when he won a game of volleyball, the same emotion he felt at the very thought of the sport. And yet, it was still different. Volleyball was fun, it was exciting, but it didn't tug at his heart like this.

The same emotion he felt when his grandfather would praise him, would hold him close. When there would be no one else to make him laugh so loud, do genuinely. But, it couldn't have been the same at all.

The same emotion he felt when the night was just right, that emotion where he felt free. That was close.

That feeling, something so close yet so far. Something so similar to everything he enjoys, everything he loves, yet so different.

Shouyou stirred in his sleep, seemingly in pain by the wince on his face. And more than likely, a bad dream was at fault. Tobio pulled him in closer, rubbing his arm.

"It's okay, Shouyou."

And with that, the wince died down. A strong feeling bubbled further in his chest, travelling to his stomach and cheeks and the tips of his fingers. To the pads of his toes, to the end of his nose, to his ears, everything tingled and sent shivers down his spine.

Something had struck him, something had changed so much.

Maybe not now, maybe it was long before, but being struck was not a choice.

And as he lay there, hugging the only person he's trusted with his true dreams in his bed, he wished this would be forever.

Hinata Shouyou, frail and small yet bold and energetic. Funny and kind, straightforward and brave. Eager and hardworking, ambitious and strong. These are just a few words that could be used to describe him. 

And oh, to be able to describe him to somebody. To walk alongside him rather than behind or in front or out on a separate path. To stand with him, to have that forever.

That was a fear, that it wasn't forever. That Shouyou too, would one day leave him. That after their trip would be over, they return to the real world.

Hinata Shouyou would continue doing his best to become an artist, and Kageyama Tobio would do economics business. They'd be stuck like that with only these memories. 

Something ugly formed in his chest.

The feeling continued to spread through his body, amplifying in his chest. Shouyou stirred a little more and wrapped both his arms around the other man's waist, hugging tight and close.

What had they done in the time they've been friends? A lot, was the answer. Maybe in the beginning of their story it was full of useless study sessions and eating at random fast food places. Maybe at the beginning Tobio would've preferred that Shouyou left him alone and didn't talk to him. But that wasn't the truth...was it?

No, it couldn't have been. His entire life he longed for something like this, something like sweet memories and shared laughter and shared meals. Something bright, big, and fun. Something...Something like that.

Even if the study sessions had been useless they still held his dearest memories, the fast food and the annoyance didn't feel like a negative either.

Travelling with Shouyou though, that had created something much deeper, some much more memorable moments. Shouyou, who convinced him to leave a different life behind just to kind of run away together(not really). 

Miyagi was awful, it was. But maybe…

Maybe…

Could it be that he just needed the memories? 

Miyagi, it wasn't that boring. No, it couldn't have been because every other day he and Shouyou found something new, something different. It couldn't be so cornered, so little if someone like Hinata Shouyou shined so brightly within it and nothing dared to interrupt.

'I love Miyagi!'

Shouyou would say that a lot, and Tobio didn't understand. What was there to love? Just what could the sun be searching for in a box so tight? Don't, Tobio would think of saying, don't waste your time here.

At the same time he wanted him to stay.

Maybe he was beginning to understand. Miyagi...it did have something special. Now it did.

It had his memories with Shouyou.

His heart hammered and he clung onto the frail boy like a lifeline.

Tobio grimaced, he knew now. He wasn't stupid, there was no denying what this was.

He rested his head on the top of the redhead, a flush in his cheeks. And maybe tears even brimmed in his eyes, but he would never admit or let them spill.

This tightening, painful tug at his chest at the thought of leaving this dreamland without Shouyou. The warm, hugging sensation at the idea of spending forever more in this damn city because of one puny person.

Friends?

This is more. More to him. So, so much more. 

'We're friends but,'

He carefully brushed orange hair away from the other's eyes. He melted just being this close, and he allowed his eyes to roam Shouyou's face with a small smile.

'But I love you.'

-

Himawari Fields, that was their next trip. Except this time, Shouyou had to actually beg to go. 

'You don't look okay!'

'I'm telling you I'm fine!'

'You look like you're 5 seconds away from passing out-'

'Yama, pleeaaaseee? I really wanna go!'

'....'

'Fine. Tomorrow. No complaints! Or else!'

'YAHOO!'

it was really hard to resist giving in, especially when he pouted. So they went to the fields which had yet to bloom, after all it was just June now.

So, the field's were green and yellow but in different ways, the sunflowers were replaced by different variations of plants.

They sat at a bench, admiring the view of all the beautiful flowers.

"I," Shouyou inhaled the scent of the not-yet-bloomed flowers, sighing contently, "really love Miyagi."

He thought back to a few days back when he came to that realization, that Miyagi wasn't so bad. That Shouyou...that he…

And he blushed, but he smiled.

"It's okay…"

Wind rustled the flowers, gently ripping petals away from their homes. They found a new place to stay in their hair, which was a little annoying. At least, in Tobio's hair it was quite annoying.

But in Shouyou's hair, it was striking. Tobio always thought that orange and yellow would clash, he was wrong. They laughed at each other, both sitting with yellow flowers stuck in their hair and yet Tobio found that nothing was funny. It suits Shouyou, yellow's his colour.

Unfortunately with a shake of Shouyou's head the petals fell and Tobio had to hold back a protest.

The bench underneath them creaked as Shouyou rocked his feet back and forth over and over, kicking at the loose strands of grass. A wide grin was plastered on his small face, his eyes forming into little crescents as he hummed a song unknown to the other man. What a child, Tobio thought, how was he in university? 

"Uhm," he suddenly remembered. "isn't your roommate worried? That you're not around."

The redhead shook his head with a smile, throwing a thumbs up. "He knows I'm fine! He doesn't mind at all!"

"Hm," Tobio sighed with a frown, "what about the school?"

A shrug, and in a nonchalant voice, "I don't really care."

"I wish I could say that," Tobio brought his knees to his chest, flipping his black hoodie over his hair. "I've been a bit nervous over missing classes."

And it was true because missing so much class was very delinquent like. 3 weeks wasn't exactly a short time, and while he had informed his teachers he's fine, he just wasn't doing any work and would probably come back at some point it didn't really calm him down(or his teachers, they'd been just a twinge concerned but it's not like university professors will go out of their way to ask if you're alright) . It was a problem, really it was gonna bite him in the ass.

"Do you really care though?" Shouyou shrugged as if school meant nothing. That confused Tobio a bit.

"I mean…"

School is important, that was engraved in his mind. And even though he never took it so seriously, he was inevitably forced to by his second year of highschool. Without school, he is nothing.

His father agreed, so did his mother. His sister…

School is important, it was. It was because he's worthless without it.

And yet...and yet…he found he couldn't answer his friend's question.

He couldn't answer it honestly, so Shouyou did it for him.

"I know you're nervous over missing classes but, this isn't what you want anyways. Does it really matter?"

He didn't respond to that, instead he pondered on it.

Does it really matter?

'Why do something you hate?'

"Don't you hate it?" Shouyou shoved his hands into his white hoodie.

Tobio turned towards him, egging him to go on wordlessly. The hood of Shouyou's sweater (when had he slipped it on?) hid a little more than half his face. Peering past it, the expression on his face was unreadable. But, the slight downturn of his lips and his hooded eyelids told him that for some reason, he was tired. No, not tired like he wanted to sleep, but tired of an unknown confinement. Like Shouyou was looking into the centre of the world with all his might, like he wasn't scared of any sort of consequence as long as he got what he wanted, what he needed.

In that moment, Shouyou looked like a crow glaring at it's cage.

"Don't you hate that you let him choose your life?"

Tobio's eyes widened a fraction at that abrupt statement. 

Him, he meant his father. Before he could say anything, Shouyou spoke again.

"You should do what you want."

And THAT look on his face, that determined look. Intense golden brown eyes, lips forming a slight frown but not from sadness, no. A dead serious, amplifying glint was evident in his eyes.

For whatever reason, this was important for Shouyou. Doing what you want, that's what he always did after all.

Do what you want, but what did Tobio want? 

That was simple, so reluctantly he let out a sigh. It was so simple, it was that simple, huh? Just do what you want? This is how Shouyou lived life? 

Volleyball. He wanted volleyball. He wanted to go pro, he had that choice. Why SHOULD he let someone else choose?

And so, without truly thinking but being completely and utterly confident in something for once, his lips formed into a smirk.

"I think you're right."

-

Shouyou was beautiful. That much was true. In his time in school, all through elementary to highschool, Tobio didn't ever particularly want to stare at someone. Sure, there were good looking people. Yeah, a few girls looked pretty and soft, and a few guys looked handsome and striking. 

Just because Tobio didn't have friends did not mean he didn't find people attractive. In magazines, in the few kpop and jpop groups he's seen, in movies, in person, attractive people were all around.

Yet he found that he never wanted to keep looking at one person. That's why he didn't understand fans of celebrities and their obsession with one person. How do you want to look at someone for so long? Aren't you tired? Isn't it enough already?

And how he would see the girls pine after boys in school, and the boys would pine for other girls. Some even dedicated their hearts to him, but he declined.

They may look pretty, but that didn't mean he wanted anything to do with them. So politely, as calmly as he could, he would walk away from the crying admirers. Rejection must be hard, but that wasn't something he knew for himself.

He'd never had a crush on anyone, never. Maybe it was because of his lack of interaction in the social world, maybe it was because he had only ever focused on volleyball and nothing more. Maybe, it was fear.

Of rejection? He wasn't sure if that was the answer. He'd never tried it, how would he know?

But wanting to stare at someone forever was now a desire he held. 

Shouyou laid in the field of yellow petals, green stems and fresh grass caught between his fingers and between his strands of hair. That white hoodie would be yellow soon, or maybe even green. Yet, he didn't seem to have a problem with that. 

'You live without concern,' Tobio thought.

He sat beside Shouyou, just an arms length away. His hands rested on his shin, his other leg tucked behind his foot. The sun would be setting soon, and then they would be greeted with the moon and stars. A careful thought crept into his mind, and he wished that they stayed there long enough so he could see the moon illuminate his sun.

Tobio was stepping into dangerous territory, he knew that. Shouyou wasn't in love with him, he knew that too. And he knew more than anything that he wouldn't be able to claim him as his either.

And it hurt, god it hurt. 

It hurt endlessly to know that the only person he's ever felt anything for in a romantic sense would not want him.

So this was how they felt? The girls he had rejected without much thought, this is how they felt? 

Shouyou giggled at a flower bud that landed in the caved space between his cheek and nose, squeezing his eyes shut as he squirmed to get it off.

God, Tobio dropped his head onto his knee and gripped his shin. He is so beautiful.

They had left one of their phones to play a song, and it's beautiful melody filled their ears along with the soft rustling of petals and leaves and bumble bees that occasionally came to bug them. 

Over the times that they listened to music, Tobio found himself identifying more and newer words in english. He absolutely sucked at the language in highschool, having failed so many tests he wonders how his parents ever even let him outside, but now he felt it was a lot easier to learn. 

When you come home…

The singer had started her song off with those 4 words, and those 4 words, Tobio realised, he's never had to think of.

When you come home, because that person has left it and has yet to come back. It's clear she's talking about her lover and looking back, he's never had to wait for someone like Shouyou to come home. 

He didn't have to think of it though, because he was right by his side every time they went to his home.

That thought felt nice, and that warm feeling bubbled in his chest again. 

He didn't have to wait for Shouyou.

Shit, Tobio slapped himself internally. The man wasn't his. He wasn't waiting for anyone.

'Snap out of it!'

"Oi," the older yet much tinier male snapped Tobio out of his daydreaming for him. "How long are we staying here?"

To someone else, maybe that would've sounded impatient. But he knew better, because the look on Shouyou's face was that of contentment.

He leaned back on his palms, "how long do you wanna stay?"

Shouyou laughed, shooting his arms towards the sky before spreading them wide. 

"Forever!"

He prayed Shouyou didn't catch the redness of his cheeks. Actually, he prayed he imagined the heat on his face all together.

He rested his body on the grass beside Shouyou, careful of the flowers.

"Then let's stay as long as we can."

And they stayed until the sun had set and the moon made its appearance. All the while listening to different songs and bickering and debating on whichever topics they could find.

"I'm telling you, strawberry coconut milk tea with pearl is much better! Why would you go to a boba shop for chocolate milk?!"

"Shut up!" Tobio playfully pushed Shouyou's shoulder, fighting off the males boney hands reaching for his hair. "If it tastes good then what does it matter?!" 

"You're wasting opportunity!" Shouyou laughed despite reaching for his hair again in retaliation.

Eventually they gave it up and rested on their backs, staring up at the stars and the moon. A waning gibbous today, and it was beautiful despite not being at its full form. And just as Tobio thought, the moonlight illuminated everything around him beautifully.

Of course, the best of all was Shouyou.

His soft orange hair wasn't so vibrant in the dark, yet still it stuck out to Tobio. That messy mop of hair had grown a little longer as they became friends. Rather than being just above Shouyou's eyebrow, it was now reaching his nose. The nape of his neck wasn't covered, but soon enough it would be if the guy wouldn't get a haircut.

Of course, the length of his hair caused the man to constantly push it back. Yeah, it drove Tobio insane too.

Right now, that hair was splayed out on the grass and away from his forehead, a couple of yellow petals stuck in his orange strands. A small smile sat on his lips, the moon illuminating the lifted cheeks. His eyes, despite his eyebags, shined and twinkled. It's the stars, Tobio thought.

He's got a universe in his eyes.

And he couldn't look away even if he tried. 

Eventually, Shouyou looked back and flushed under his gaze. Only then did Tobio avert his eyes and cough, awkward tension rising.

"Why are you staring?!"

"Am I not allowed to?!"

In a haze of panic, Tobio blurted out the first thing that came to mind in a falsely confident voice. He prayed Shouyou didn't notice how his eyes shook and his hands clenched the grass.

While holding his breath, he thought, wow, I've done it now. But he didn't expect Shouyou's flush to disappear, for him to simply smile again, nod his head, and turn back to the stars. 

"You're allowed to."

And he guessed it was true, because he continued to look at him and Shouyou did nothing to stop him. He really, really didn't want to be stopped either.

What did Shouyou think? Was he weird for this? Probably. Yet, he said it was okay, didn't he? But this wasn't what friends usually did...unless they did?

There's no way Tobio was that clueless was he? This isn't what friends did.

But Shouyou was allowing it.

Maybe…

Just maybe…

No.

He wouldn't take the chance and he wouldn't ask, because he wasn't going to ruin his first meaningful friendship. He wasn't going to ruin this moment, this moment where Shouyou shined despite the sun's slumber.

He wasn't going to dim the light.

So he stayed silent, eventually looking away and up at the stars even though he preferred the twinkle in the honey brown eyes. And of course, eventually, he looked back to catch Shouyou's eyes. Sure enough the golden shine within those bright, hazel eyes outdid the sun, the moon, and the stars all at once. 

Shouyou didn't just have a universe in those eyes.

They stayed like that, face to face with bodies turned to each other as they laid on their sides. The grass already stained them but they couldn't care less.

And they didn't look away from each other, and they didn't speak when their pinkies touched.

Nothing needed to be said. Just enough was the sound of a woman's voice singing a lullaby from Tobio's phone, just enough was the sound of the grass shifting with the wind and the little fireflies buzzing around. 

Just enough was looking into each other's eyes and searching for the unknown.

This was their blinking game.

'No,' Tobio wanted to say out loud.

'Those girls don't know what I am feeling.'

They couldn't possibly understand the privilege of being the only man to look into the universe's eyes at this very moment.


	6. cruelty

Middle of June, the month of which summer officially hit them in the form of a hotter sun and even more insects flying everywhere.

It's been a month since they skipped out on university and they had gone to so many places Tobio lost track. More memories were created within that month than the entirety of his highschool years. That wasn't quite shocking, just didn't feel real.

In that time despite being so glad to hang out together, he watched over Shouyou a lot, skeptical and nervous.

His question was, what the hell was wrong?

There was a list of issues. The man is incredibly skinny, there was no way he was over 110, just MAYBE 115 pounds. He is also unbelievably tired so often that it's a little scary. As far as Tobio knew, he had slept everyday since he stayed over. That was a convenience, having Shouyou there to watch over him so easily, to be able to keep track.

It was just a little bit fucking odd on his part but it was time to cut him some slack, Shouyou was probably not gonna tell him himself.

The boy's pale skin scared him a little too. He'd say it was alright if that's how he had met him, but it wasn't. Sure the boy always had pale skin and dark circles, but it was intense now. Extremely.

Shouyou tripped up quite a bit, which could be normal if the rest of him would just be normal, be okay.

His first assumption: an eating disorder.

Of course, the redhead ate a lot although there were times that Tobio saw it got hard to eat. Something about being too tired to even chew or whatever. He was so skinny though he ate so much, but sometime around the last week that had changed. It's like eating was just a job and without it being a joke, food was nothing but fuel to Shouyou now.

Tovio didn't know shit about eating disorders but a feeling in his gut told him this wasn't it.

So his second assumption was insomnia, which he quickly shut down because this boy slept more than a cat does in a day. That couldn't be it at all.

Was it stress? The third assumption made sense, yet what would he be stressed about? He had been the one to want to go away, but why? Tobio hadn't questioned that but maybe he should have.

There's a lot you could question about Shouyou.

-

Tobio continued to watch Shouyou that week, thinking very carefully of the man's actions and words, how he seemed to truly feel on the inside rather than the surface.

Based on just how Shouyou spoke about his everyday life, how he acted around food, how he handled sleep, and just in general his everyday routines, a lot of options were cancelled out. Not an eating disorder, not insomnia, didn't seem to be just stress either.

And he said just stress because it was evident. If stress was a human it may as well be Shouyou. Maybe it wasn't fully noticeable at first, but something had been on his mind. Clearly, it was eating him alive.

He could feel it, Tobio could feel him want to speak, to tell. But he didn't, so instead he opted to read him like a book.

What do you get when someone has dark eye circles on pale skin that gets worse by the time? What do you get when your friend goes away for a week at a time, usually when he struggles with his tiredness? What do you get when that person stumbles, trips, flinches so much that it doesn't quite seem clumsy?

What do you get when you accidentally see inside his bag?

What do you get when you see the pills? 

You get exactly what you think, but Tobio wouldn't accept that. No, Shouyou would have to tell him himself about what the hell was wrong or so god help him.

-

He didn't though. It was only 3 days later but nothing was said and it effectively pissed Tobio the fuck off.

Something was wrong, so fucking wrong, but Shouyou wouldn't even tell him. 

It was enough.

They sat on the patch of grass near the lake they had met at, admiring the view before them. More so, Shouyou admired it and Tobio glared at it.

He wasn't saying anything even now, nothing. Yet the look on his face told him there as something he wanted to say. Spill it, why won't he spill it? Aren't they friends? Aren't they?

Don't friends tell each other what's wrong? Didn't Shouyou say he's here? Didn't he know that meant Tobio was, too? 

Tobio felt a constant tug at his heart.

This was enough.

"Shouyou." 

The said male looked up, though he did not smile like he usually would. Tobio inhaled and prepared himself for the, more than likely, angry conversation.

"Why haven't you told me yet?" 

As expected, he didn't need to specify. That look, that blank look on Shouyou's face was enough to tell him he wasn't even a little surprised it had come to this.

Silence laid over them heavily, the sounds of wind rustling trees and the stream of water being the only noise.

The clench at his heart was familiar, too familiar. This feeling was complete and utter dread.

"I'm s-scared to say it," the other male finally admitted and curled in on himself, hugging knees to his chest. It was a sad sight, so unlike the bright man. 

"Oh?" Tobio scoffed despite it, though nothing was funny. "Doesn't sound like you." 

Shouyou weakly looked up at that, and the look in his eyes was still there. 

'Stop it.'

"What doesn't?" 

'Stop looking at me like that.'

"To be scared of something." 

Shouyou smiled sadly, closing his eyes and facing the stream again. "Huh, you'd be surprised." 

How he wished he didn't hear those words leave his lips.

Tobio shakily sighed, "doubt it, you're an idiot who barges into everything without thinking. Just proves you virtually have no fear, people who are scared of something think before acting." 

Unexpectedly that made the redhead burst out laughing, though it was probably due to nervousness. Definitely, because the boy's skin was paling and there were goosebumps on his exposed arms from where his blue sweaters sleeves rolled up.

"That's what you think of me?" The laugh died down. "How cruel, Tobio! You make me seem like a monster." 

Tobio raised an eyebrow, "huh?" 

That made the smaller bot squirm and curl up further, "something like, well, an unfeeling monster! Like GUAH I have no feelings and I don't care about yours, let me ruin stuff now!" 

This fucking guy. 

"Shut up," Tobio pushed his shoulder a bit and stopped the other male before he could say anything more stupid. "That's not what I meant at all and you know it, dumbass." 

"Sure, sure. Im a fearless idiot or whatever you're thinking, then." 

"You read my mind." 

Shouyou scoffed, "it's that huge head of yours, I can practically see your thoughts." 

"Shut up before I throw you in this river." 

"As if you'd do it!" 

"Try me!" 

Their bickering was pointless, of course. He didn't want to fight, no. Not right now and not anytime soon, because the fear was eating him alive. And he didn't want to fight, because Shouyou was just buying himself time. He's really scared too, isn't he? 

The terror of his suspicions being true, the fact and reality he will have to face. When it will be done with, so will this dreamland.

Don't let it be what he thinks. Please, just don't. He begged the divinities over and over, praying he was misunderstanding this by a longshot.

But he had to do it. He had to do something he hated again. And he knew, but he had to do it.

"So?" Another shaky sigh. "What's wrong?" 

Tears began to well up in Shouyou's eyes and fuck, he wasnt supposed to make him cry. Panicking, Tobio froze and stared at the boy who began to laugh sadly. A choked laugh, though tears did not fall.

"Do you want to guess?" 

Tobio felt his chest clench a little, "stop joking around, dumbass." 

"I'm not." 

So he thought about it. A guess, his biggest guess was fucking terrifying. 

The hot summer sun beamed down on them and it was so unfitting, so unalike to the dark tension, the anxiety Tobio felt. That wasn't normal, being nervous around the boy he loves and not from anything even remotely good. No, it wasn't right.

"You want a guess?" He stared blankly at the river, feeling an invisible storm coming. No, it was invisible to Shouyou but to him it was right there already, just waiting to burst and destroy everything.

A soft reply, "yeah…"

And he almost lost it. Tobio grabbed Shouyou's shoulder, turning him forcefully so they would face each other. Enough fear.

It was enough.

"Alright," he started a little shakily, ignoring the traces of shock found on Shouyou's face.

"Your eyebags have been awful since I met you. You've lost a lot of weight, you were skinny to begin with. You've been so tired you basically passed out, twice. You're so cryptic about shit, it's fucking creepy sometimes," he shut his eyes, looking away and avoiding the others face in worry that if he dared to open his eyes, the look on his face, that awful look would intensify, and then it would tell him everything. Deny it, he begged in his mind, just fucking deny it.

"I thought that maybe you just don't eat, but I see you eat a lot. I thought maybe you're stressed, but you tell me almost everything. You don't stress over school- for fucks sake you're okay with skipping for a month! You tell me everything...everything except this one thing," he paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. An invisible force twisted his insides as he once again reminded himself that Shouyou didn't even trust him enough to tell him what the fuck was wrong.

"I found it weird, you'll always be up to talk about so many things. Everything but this. Why? I questioned it sometimes. Why did he feel so tired? Was he really so drained? What's wrong with his skin today? Why is he looking so worried? Why was he really gone for a week? What's wrong with him?" 

He opened his eyes and sure enough, Shouyou's face was contorted in some sort of invisible pain and regret, biting his lip and furrowing his eyebrows. Tobio's breath shuddered.

"I asked those questions. I came to a conclusion. I have one question left and I can only know the answer if you tell me. So," his voice wasn't shaking by the end anymore, but he was sure the redhead could tell this was fucking hard for him. It couldn't be easy. It shouldn't be true, it wasn't. It wasn't. It had to be untrue, because Shouyou has to be okay.

"Answer me honestly, Shouyou." 'Deny it, please.'

"Are you sick?" 

Asking anything has always been hard for Kageyama Tobio.

If he didn't understand the homework, that was just it, he didn't get it. If he didn't understand it right away, he simply didn't know it. It's not like he thought he couldn't do it, he more than likely could! But he'd been quite the wimpy kid at times and the slightest raise of someone's voice or indication that he wasn't right about something could send him on a mental rampage. So yes, he just didn't know the work and that was final, the problem could be left unsolved.

If he didn't hear what someone said that was easily covered up with a nod or shake of his head. Mayne the outcomes were terrible, like he nodded at something like his cousin asking, "do you want to hang out tomorrow?" and then he wouldn't show up and naturally that cousin wouldn't attempt again. 

The only time he ever dared to ask a question was during volleyball, actually. Why wasn't he afraid to do so then? Well, that sports just something he'll take anything for. The yelling, the slight rejection, the risks.

So when he finally asked Shouyou something so big, so scary, he realised he shouldn't have. He realised that when an answer didn't come right away and that was enough to confirm his fear. 

No.

No, he wouldn't take silence for an answer. No, he needed a proper answer. He looked up, fearfully taking in Shouyou's face. Something between regret and realization was written all over it. A lip between his teeth, a crease in his eyebrows, tears in his eyes.

Please, Tobio felt the ugliest swirl build up in his stomach and cave him in internally. Please say something. Please deny it. Against all odds, deny it.

Please…

His pleas went unheard by the universe.

"Yes."

That look on Shouyou's face, that sad, pitiful look. It was awful, it wasn't him at all. 

And it was enough for Tobio's dream world to crash.

For the first time, he felt somewhat of a genuine hatred for an expression on Shouyou's face. It wasn't right, it couldn't ever be right. Nothing but smiles and pouts should ever belong to him, big honey brown eyes sparkling with stars in them, not tears.

A dam broke in Tobio, but instead of tears it was his anger taking over.

"Why?" His hands were shaking. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I…"

"I...was scared." 

"Bullshit!" His voice broke and he fucking hated himself for it. He couldn't help it, he was so, so angry. Not really at shouyou, not truly, but even he was adding onto his frustration. Just getting mad at anything was his solution. "Why didn't you tell me when we met?! Why didn't you tell me when we got closer?! Why did I have to force it out of my best friend?! Why?!" 

His best friend, he'd never used that term. This was his only friend, after all. Yet still, it was the truth. His first friend became his best, and it would probably stay as his best forever. And it was so painful.

His best friend is sick.

A tear slid down Shouyou's cheek. Internally, panic filled Tobio's chest. At the very same time, he couldn't express it at all. Cold hearted bastard, he more than likely looked like one.

What the hell was he doing, yelling at him for being sick?

No, not because he is sick.

But because this isn't fair.

"I wanted to go everywhere." 

Tobio's eyes widened a fraction at the sudden statement, his heart skipping a beat.

"I wanted to go everywhere," Shouyou wiped his single tear. "I wanted to...to fulfill my dreams, at least a little bit." 

And the way the redhead said it, the way his lips quivered into a smile but those golden brown eyes remained shiney with not stars, but tears.

God, how his heart ached. This is unreal.

This isn't fucking fair.

"Should you be travelling?" 

"No." 

"Then why did-" 

"I just told you!" Shouyou snapped and curled into himself a little more if that was possible. "I wanted to go places! It doesn't matter to me if I'm si-" 

What. The. Fuck.

Tobio shook the smaller boy by his shoulders, gripping them so tight he thought he'd break him. No, it's the fear that he will disappear.

This isn't fucking okay.

"STOP FUCKING AROUND!!" His voice echoed in the empty park, his teeth gritting. "Are you an idiot?! HUH?! Doesn't matter to you?! DOESN'T MATTER?! What if you got worse, huh?! What if you got more sick and I would have no clue?! What then?! WHAT-"

"IT'S NOT A WHAT IF!" 

Dread, dread filled him so suddenly he felt like throwing up.

No...

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He demanded despite lowering his voice and loosening his hold on the man before him. Despite looking so skinny and weak, he now had an iron grip on Tobio's wrist. 

"I can't get any better, Tobio!" 

No...

"So...you're dying?" 

"...I don't know but...I don't know."

"I don't fucking know anymore," Shouyou sighed defeatedly. 

And that really changed everything from then on. 

Shouyou, this light in the darkness of his life, might soon dim and disappear. He didn't know but, there was that maybe.

This bright light walked around sick, stumbling and passing out, struggling to breathe and possibly losing a big fraction of time every minute.

He wasn't in a hospital. He was on a month-long trip with a friend, skipping school and ignoring his illness.

"You're an idiot," he bit though his anger died down, now all that was left was bitter sadness. "an idiot who barges into everything without thinking." 

Shouyou smiled unexpectedly, which was always so like him it almost brought comfort to Tobio. He cocked his head to the side, "what exactly did I barge into?" 

"My life." 

And it was so unfair, that this idiot might leave his life as quickly as he had slammed his way in.

"Do you want me to leave?" Shouyou aked uncertainly and god no, that was the last thing he wanted.

"No," he shook his head frantically. "I don't." 

An uncomfortable, sad silence loomed over them. Where do you go from here? What can even be done?

The sun knew. He always did.

He reached for Tobio's hand, intertwining their fingers. Held tightly, as if each other's life line. The raven haired man didn't even blush at it, not now.

It didn't feel good. It just hurt.

"I'm sorry...for not telling you before," Shouyou whispered.

"Yeah," Tobio whispered back with a frown, "I'm sorry too."

"For what?" 

"For yelling at you." 

A forced laugh, "well that's a first! Usually you even hit me while you yell and then yell some more about how much I deserve it." 

That made him smirk in return and it loosened up their tension by just a tiny bit, "shut up, let's just go back. I'll drive." 

He stood up first, helping the other up as well when he almost stumbled over. However, when he walked to the car there wasn't a second set of footsteps to be heard. He turned around to see that Shouyou was staring at the ground, his fists balled up. 

"Please don't treat me differently."

"Huh?" Treat him differently?

The other male continued, placing a hand over his elbow unsurely. His fierce eyes hid behind his bangs, only a frown visible on that small face of his.

"What I liked about you not knowing is you didn't treat me differently, not ever. So, just treat me like you would any other time. Don't treat me like a child because you pity me." 

And that, that set him off again.

"Oi, dumbass!" That made the other's head snap up, shocked at the volume of Tobio's voice. 

"I'm not treating you differently because I feel bad! I'm treating you differently because you look like you're gonna pass out! Do you hear your shaky voice?!" He pointed sharply at Shouyou, feeling his resolve break and voice rise with every sentence. 

"Now what about how dizzy you just got what you stood?! And what about how deep the eyebags are under your eyes?! It got worse today! You drove here half dead!" Tobio turned around then, stomping to the car like a child which he knew he looked like(unfortunately, but this is definitely Shouyou's fault.)

"The drive is two hours, I'll drive for an hour and you sleep when I do that, if you wake up and feel better then you can drive! I'm not pitying you, I just don't want both of us to die because you can't keep your stupid, shitty eyes open!" 

Huffing followed shortly after his, well, outburst at Shouyou. Pity him? Is caring, pitying? Is he fucking serious? Why did he fall for a fucking idiot? 

Unexpectedly, the tense silence was broken by Shouyou laughing loudly with his hands over his stomach. When Tobio turned around he could see the man bent over his waist and howled like a hyena, just as annoying as one, too. Tobio felt his anger fester a little more and once again pointed an accusing finger.

"What the hell's funny?!" 

"You!" Shouyou pointed right back and wheezed out. "You do everything so aggressively, even caring for me! Man," he caught his breath from the laugh that clearly drowned the life out of him. "you're pretty weird, know that?" 

"Shut up," heat rose to Tobio's cheeks. "get in the damn car and sleep." 

"Yes, mother."

"Shut it!" 

They buckled up, though it felt a little odd switching roles. 

"Oh, Yama?" 

"Yes?" 

"I just wanted to say," he looked at him gently, his eyes soft and smile small. It made Tobio's stomach swirl a little, a warm feeling creeping into his cheeks even more. Those eyes melted him no matter how angry he was.

"Yes?" 

And for a moment Shouyou just stared in his eyes, pupils shaking and his mouth opening and closing, as if unsure what to say.

He took a deep breath.

"Between me driving with my 'stupid shitty eyes' and you driving, I think its safer with my stupid shitty eyes." 

And that warm feeling died. While it was definitely great that Shouyou wasn't about to say anything even worse, something better Tobio found himself expecting just...burst like a popped balloon. This asshole. 

"I think I'm gonna kill you." 

Shouyou yelped with a loud laugh, avoiding the large hand that set to grab his hair, "not before leukemia does!" 

Something stabbed Tobio right then and there.

"Are you an idiot- don't joke about your illness! And wait,"

it couldn't be...

"It's...it's leukemia?" 

Shouyou hummed in confirmation, "yup, just like the movies. Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia." 

It was so, so numbing to hear that and Tobio was sure the deities were laughing at him in that very moment.

"How long h...have you known?" 

Shouyou's smile had fallen off, replaced by a somewhat frown, "about 3 years." 

His eyebrows creased, "that's a long time." 

"Something like that." 

The tiredness was evident in his voice even more now, and how was Tobio supposed to keep him up when he seemed to be fighting just to stay awake? 

"Sleep now, okay?" Without warning, he ruffled the messy orange hair.

"Okay," Shouyou smiled weakly and leaned into the touch. "wake me up halfway there so we can switch over." 

"Right." 

An hour and a half through the drive, not once had the other tried to wake him despite their agreement. He needs sleep, he needs rest. What's the point in getting up to drive anyways? Tobio was perfectly content watching over the reckless little shit, someone had to. 

In the last half an hour, Shouyou's slumber didn't allow him to see the tear that slowly slid down Tobio's cheek. 

"How cruel." 

-

That night, in his bed, they embraced tightly. No words were spoken except for the whispers of a goodnight, a good night's sleep, and sweet dreams from Tobio.

He had carried the boy to his apartment, he just wouldn't fully wake up from his slumber after all so carrying the smaller man on his back turned out to be easier. Easier because it took less time than waking him up, easier to carry because that boy weighed so little.

It worried him, it really did. Yet he knew how deep of a sleeper he was, so this could be passed for now. Just for now, but this wouldn't go undiscussed.

Shouyou needs to be somewhere that can help him, if that was even possible.

And Tobio wished that maybe, somehow, that somewhere can fix everything.


	7. caged crow

3 days later, it happened.

The minute Shouyou woke up, Tobio knew something was terribly wrong. His skin looked awful, more blue around his eyes, accompanied by a distant look and slow movements.

When asked if he's okay, he simply nodded with an empty smile. No glint in his eyes, no creases, it was a fake smile. It was bad.

Then, it'd be 3 pm when it would hit.

"Shouyou," Tobio felt an instinct explode in him and quickly made his way past his table, his sofa, and towards the boy who stood in the middle of the room, frozen.

Before he could make it, Shouyou was falling to his knees.

"S-Shouyou!" 

Time moved slowly as Tobio ran a short distance to him, catching him before he could fall all the way. With his right arm he supported his back, his left hand pushing his hair to the side.

"It's okay! You're okay!" Shouyou shook and stared blankly at the wall ahead of him, Tobio's panic went unheard.

He rocked the smaller male back and forth, unsure of what to do. Here was Shouyou, struggling to breathe and groaning in pain while Tobio panicked. He had to do something, anything!

"What do you need?! What- Shouyou! Tell me what to do!"

But the sick male continued to breathe unsteady, groaning at his invisible pain. Tobio continued to shake his shoulders.

"Fuck," he sprung up when Shouyou remained unresponsive.

That unresponsiveness was something he almost wished had lasted, because not even 10 seconds later Shouyou was shaking violently.

"Oi!" Tobio's eyes nearly jumped out of his skull as Shouyou's body spasmed and seemingly lost control. Out of a frenzy he retracted from Shouyou as if he was fire, as if he had been burned.

Incoherent mumbling and choking left Shouyou's mouth, drool and tears spilling over onto the wooden floors. His body continued to spasm and squirm as his teeth clattered and head repeatedly hit the ground.

'Do something…'

But Tobio couldn't move. He couldn't...because Shouyou couldn't either.

'Don't just stare.'

A warm liquid made its way down his cheek and onto his neck, followed by more droplets of...tears? He was...crying? Tobio reached up to touch his face and sure enough, there was water spilling out his eyes.

'Why…'

He stared at Shouyou's quivering form, the male was still shaking and groaning.

'Why can't I...move.'

Shouyou's body was replaced with that of an old man. White hair, a short white beard, clad in a hospital gown.

'Grand…father…'

'TOBIO, DO SOMETHING!'

"SHOUYOU!" 

He snapped out of it, springing up to his feet despite the shake of his knees.

Do something. Do something. Do something.

This isn't like last time.

It wouldn't be.

It couldn't be.

And he wouldn't let it be, because he ran as fast as he could to his phone, dialing 911 faster than he ever has. 

He ran back to his friend's side, dropping to his knees with a shaking hand hovering over him. Mumbled curses went unheard under his breath, a panic exploding not only in his chest but in his head.

pleasebeokaypleasebeokaypleasebeokay

He wasn't the sick one and yet, he might as well have been.

'I wanna throw up.'

After 3 rings the phone was finally picked up.

"Hello, 911, what's your emergency?"

"I-Its my friend!" Tobio gasped when he saw the shaking stop. "He-he's really sick and just collapsed and-and-"

And God, Shouyou was whimpering so much now. It didn't even process in his head that the boy was clawing at his knee, scratching the fabric of his jeans, until he actually looked down.

"Please-" He bit his tongue but it barely even processed. "Just get here!"

"Sir, what is your address?"

He gave it to the operator, having to unfortunately repeat it twice, and no longer than 10 minutes later, the paramedics had arrived.

In that time Shouyou's shaking had completely stopped, but he kept whimpering and clawing at the floor and at Tobio, moving as if he was an exhausted drunk. And in that time, Tobio had time to calm down. 

But it didn't stop the haze in his head.

Tobio turned to an unoccupied paramedic and shakily rubbed his hands on his jeans "W-will he…"

"He'll be okay," the lady gave him a kind smile.

A breath he wasn't aware he had been holding escaped his lips, though his hands continued to fidget.

"Would you like a ride to the hospital?"

"Please."

-

And this is what he hated. 

Hospitals, he'd been to them a lot. For a broken leg in 4th grade when he went too hard at volleyball, that was painful but he had only spent a couple hours with a doctor and nurses. He was let free after that, only having to come back to get his cast removed.

Of course he'd been in one when he was born, that was obvious. Thankfully babies couldn't remember anything at that age, thankfully he didn't have to remember his life started in a cold white room.

Unfortunately, he had to remember what it felt like to see his grandfather in the hospital.

'He has suffered a seizure,' the doctor told Tobio. 'It's not life threatening in any way, however it would be concerning if it happened again.'

It was fucking awful.

Shouyou didn't belong in a cold white room, hooked up to machines and being watched by random strangers he's never met.

He waited outside Shouyou's room in an uncomfortable plastic seat. It dug into his shoulders and the backs of his thighs but he insisted on staying despite the discomfort, despite the time. Visiting hours would be over in a minute, he knew he wouldn't be able to see the other male in that time. Yet he stayed like a child, hoping that maybe he'd open his eyes right before he left.

Of course, Shouyou hadn't and Tobio was sent to leave once visitation was no longer in session. 

He shouldn't have listened to him when he told him he was okay, he could walk just fine. He would rest if he needed to, he said. Everything was under control.

But how could anything be under control when you were preparing to kiss death?

No, he wouldn't die. He'd get better.

Better because he had to, because he needed to.

The bus rides they would take together had always been filled with Shouyou's loud laughter, their bickering, and their stupid conversations about random anime and cafe stories. They'd listen to music together, and they would rest on each other's shoulders. He couldn't do that with him gone in the hospital.

It was boring.

Walking from the bus would be lively, just them racing each other to the next destination with Shouyou mostly losing although Tobio would occasionally let him win.

'Oi! Stop letting me win!'

'As if I'd do that!'

But there was none of that now, and it was much too quiet.

The elevator ride felt too long, and getting his key to fit the lock was a struggle. 

525.

Inside, he didn't turn on the lights. Inside, he didn't draw the curtains back and stare up at the moon with Shouyou like he usually would.

Eating without him was not an option.

And the bed, for the first time since he's got it, was uncomfortable.

For a month like June it sure was cold. The bed was swallowing him up now that he wasn't sharing it, now it was far more spacious than he thought.

Getting used to hugging someone in your sleep...Tobio didn't imagine he would ever be one of those people. He didn't imagine he would miss holding someone.

Having that someone lay in a hospital bed after suffering a seizure while you could do nothing but sit around like a useless puppet, that was awful. More than so, yet words could not explain how he felt.

It was almost…

Almost exactly like last time.

That night was one of the most nerve-wracking, lonely nights Tobio would meet yet. And he would be lying if he said he didn't greet the lonesome night with tears spilling over his pillow.

-

"Shouyou?"

The boy squirmed out of sleep weakly, groaning as he yawned. His eyes creased from the intensity of the hospital lights and yeah, it was pretty shitty to wake up to a full white room. It was a little insensitive, why not scare people less by decorating with warmer colours? Ridiculous.

Shouyou blinked a couple times before focussing his gaze onto his friend, grinning a little as he did.

"Yama? Oh, hi."

The smile wasn't returned, "Hi to you too."

It's not that he was mad at Shouyou, he wasn't. Not anymore, at least. Admittedly it was upsetting that he became aware of his illness so late into their friendship, that he didn't know sooner. Was it greedy? Was he just too inexperienced in friendship to understand why it took so long?

Never had Tobio been a patient person per say, but he didn't get angry just because someone didn't tell him something. Again, it's not like he had true friends at any point either.

Now that he did, every little thing was calling his name to become discovered. Everything, he wanted to know everything about Shouyou. 

That had it's backfire, knowing everything was painful.

Greed was really, really ugly.

Shouyou seemed alright as he sat up, thankfully. Just tired, just yawning.

"What am I?...oh." Realization dawned on him quickly, and the words didn't have to be said out loud.

Inhaling deeply, not quite angry but disappointed, though unsure at what, Tobio rubbed the back of his neck, "yeah."

They had fallen into comfortable silences quite often in their friendship, surprisingly. What, with Shouyou being such a loud person it was a little shocking he could actually stay quiet. Of course, pencil and pen scratching on a notebook was the only sound heard from the wild haired man in those instances. That, or when he was sleeping. So yeah, you could say he drew a whole lot if their silences were made quite often.

Just Tobio and Shouyou, studying and drawing, listening to music or eating. It was comforting and welcome.

Just, not this time.

No, now the silence was met with a strain. The beeping of hospital machines and random footsteps disrupted the white noise and yet, Tobio could only hyper focus on what to say next.

He didn't like that Shouyou made him so confused all the time.

"I'm s-"

"Don't you dare. "

Instantly, Tobio felt his anger rise up. No, Shouyou wasn't allowed to apologize. Not when it wasn't his fault he's sick, not when he knew he didn't mean to pass out. And yet, and yet---!

He hadn't told him earlier, rejected all offers of help, didn't tell him when something was wrong. Passed out on him and scared him so much, so, so much.

His hands shook just thinking about the panicked look on Shouyou's face when it happened.

"...I'm sorry."

"Dammit, Shouyou!"

He slammed his fist against the wall behind him when he jolted out his seat.

Spiking, tossing, serving, running. It all gave him an adrenaline rush, it felt good.

This was just like volleyball, except he didn't love it.

It gave him that adrenaline rush, but for all the wrong reasons.

"I-" The redhead looked up with eyes growing more and more concerned by the second, yet it went ignored by the younger. 

"No! Don't say a word! Shouyou you," his voice cracked, "I thought…"

He slumped back down in the uncomfortable chair, unable to continue his sentence.

Thought what? That he was dying? That he wasn't gonna see him again? That that would be their end?

He thought a lot of things actually, maybe that's why it was hard to say. So many thoughts, all of them were negative. All of them were true. He thought all of them and he hated that he did. He's not one to believe in a god, he didn't think anyone was listening. But even so…

He didn't want anyone to hear it and make it come true.

As if he knew him like the back of his hand, Shouyou answered his silent questions.

"Well, I didn't."

Not a trace of wavering could be spotted in his voice, that was scary. Knowing you're sick, knowing you could die, was it not terrifying?

Why?

Why wasn't shouyou scared? how could he say this like it's happened before? 

Did it happen before?

'It's cruel.'

Tobio ran his hands down his face in frustration, both at Shouyou and not at him at all.

"But you could've."

"I could've, but I didn't. I'm okay, Tobio."

There it was. That bright, wide smile. Even in a time like this, he was the one comforting Tobio. 

That smile that made him want more, made him want to experience everything that is love. With that single smile, he was sure Shouyou could dominate the world.

He'd dominate this illness too, for sure. He has to.

Getting pulled back? How could it ever be an option?

"Don't do that again."

"Ha," the bedridden man crossed his arms and sighed, though not unhappily. "can't really control that."

'You have to, Shouyou.' 

'If not for yourself, for me.'

He wanted to say that, but they would remain unspoken words.

"Well, do it anyways."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll kill you."

And it was childish to say that, especially with the man literally waking up only a couple minutes ago. It should be more serious, definitely. At least, that was just in the media. This was Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio, was seriousness an option? Rarely.

Was it selfish? To act like it's kind of a joke? Probably.

Ah, greed again.

Shouyou laughed though, "even though I'd be dead?"

Tobio narrowed his eyes, I'll pull you out of the afterlife just to end your life myself."

The redhead aw'd loudly as he pushed Tobio's shoulder "My dear Tobio-kun would bring me back to life just to see me?"

It'd be a lie to say his cheeks didn't heat up at the nickname. It was hard to get used to, the nicknames didn't stop coming. Ever since the exchange of first names, they hadn't said Hinata or Kageyama even once. Though Tobio didn't dare to shorten Shouyou to anything, the latter had 0 issues with it.

Yama, Yamayama, Tobio-kun, Yama-kun, Tobi. The last one especially made him feel warm and stuffy inside, the problem was it happened every time. A loud pounding behind his ribcage reached his ears every time, bouncing around in his head. If he didn't know any better, Shouyou could hear it sometimes.

Even now, he could probably hear it if he strained his ear.

"Shut up!" He pushed back the urge to shove Shouyou. "I didn't say that!"

A wide grin, "technically you did!"

He gave up, sighing out of annoyance and crossing his arms. Pull him out of the afterlife...

He pulled his bag onto his lap, fishing out the item he sought for.

"You won't die."

Shouyou perked up, "oh?"

"You won't die because you don't give up."

After some rummaging around he pulled out the medium sized, black sketchbook with ruff edges. Shouyou smirked, though his eyes shined.

"You're sure?"

He held the notebook out, "yeah, because you haven't given up on your manga, have you?"

-

After Shouyou woke up, he was transferred back to Tokyo. He asked Tobio to come with and of course, he complied. How could he not?

So they drove together, by doctor's permission or course. Though the idiot Shouyou had insisted on driving, that wasn't allowed. Not right after a trip to the hospital. So, Tobio drove. Of course, carefully.

Tokyo. Tobio, after years and years of dreaming, was going to Tokyo at the age of 20. 

It should've been more exciting, and it was! It was, just…

Why was it that he was watching Shouyou get so sick that he was being pulled back to his roots?

Beautiful, bright Tokyo was coming for him but it was also greeted with the man he loves deteriorating from an illness.

Again, it was unfair.

They had packed of course, as much as they'd need for the time being. How long would it take? Tobio thought that would have a scary answer. So, he didn't ask.

Contrary to their usual loud or conversation filled car rides, they met silence with reluctancy. Driving to a hospital was different from driving to a museum or a park.

Though, it wasn't actually silent if the song from that one night was playing.

Mundo.

That became a song they often enjoyed no matter the mood. Somehow, it fit all of theirs. Two songs now, they mutually loved two songs. Something about that felt special, like rather than sharing favourite songs they shared pieces of themselves.

'You're exaggerating,' Tobio decided, he was just exaggerating because he of course knows nothing about love to begin with.

He was getting sappy, and for what? What would come out of it anyway?

Love, that'd been on his mind a lot. How it felt to be loved, to be held by him who he adored more than he could ever adore anyone else.

It's scary, really. Wasn't it just a couple months ago when he wanted nothing to do with him? Wasn't it just a year since cold highschool days?

Everything changed, everything confused him now. That culprit behind the issue was sitting right there too, just an arms length away. So close, yet so, so far.

Thinking about it, Shouyou wouldn't love him back. He had more on his plate than imaginable, being sick wasn't easy after all.

What did he even want? A relationship with his best friend? That was just fucking insane.

Not only insane, it was greedy.

Like everything else that's ever bothered him, he shoved that undetermined rejection deep inside.

Just from afar is enough.

They're only half an hour into the drive, but it seemed that Shouyou had dozed off already. Soft snores filled the Toyota, only slightly filtered out by the song playing quietly.

And he looked pretty even in his sleep. Even while he's so sick, he's incredibly pretty. 

How did he look before all this? He hadn't shown Tobio any photos of his younger self, not even him in high school. Was this why? Because there was a huge difference? So big that it was noticeable? 

Photos of peace signs and wide smiles, silly group poses, serious attempts at modeling, funny selfies, he wanted to see everything Shouyou had taken.

'Fucking creep,' Tobio thought to himself as he cringed. His hands tightened around the steering wheel as he nervously turned once the light turned green again.

'You don't need to see anything at all.'

And yet, he wanted to so badly. He wished he knew him earlier, maybe even experience highschool together. Maybe they would've had a chance back then. 

He wanted to see Shouyou from all points in his life, see him clearer and see him more. Who was he before his illness? Who was he in middle school? In elementary? What did he look like? 

Gross, he sighed. Feelings are fucking weird.

-

Going to a hospital usually means something bad. Bad news, bad results, bad atmosphere. Maybe with the exception of surgeries going well and life being born, but hospitals sure bared a lot of misfortune.

That misfortune did not exclude Hinata Shouyou.

He wouldn't tell Tobio what the doctor said, just that he has to stay in a hospital. The look on his face was one Tobio knew well, of course he did. He knew his emotions so well, he may as well have felt them.

And yet, nothing was acknowledged. Pretending it was okay would hopefully, eventually, lead to it being okay.

But the fear didn't leave Shouyou's face the day he told him, not once. In return, his own fear lingered, the ugly feeling weighing down his shoulders.

Shouyou being scared...that shouldn't be allowed.

But it was okay, okay because it had to be. Okay because Shouyou had to be.

"It's fine, though," the redhead spoke up from his cross legged position on the hospital bed. "I won't be here for too long, so it's okay."

And his voice, despite his face, sounded so sure. Maybe, just maybe, it would be okay.

Fear is okay, this isn't definite.

Like a mantra, he repeated that over and over til he forgot that fear on Shouyou's face.

-

Not too long was actually, quite long.

It was august now, and summer was ending. It's not like Tobio particularly looked forward to this year's summer, yet he found it was unsatisfying spending it in an empty apartment or hospital room.

He found that seeing Shouyou's eye bags worsen was fucking awful. And seeing him get more and more tired brought an ache to his chest everytime. His body had weakened since the seizure, not to the point he couldn't walk but it was clear even that gave him a hard time sometimes.

It was hard. It was so hard to see him like that. 

However, Shouyou was occasionally allowed to go out and have fun in the city. Of course, Tobio came along everytime.

Staying with Shouyou wasn't a burden, it couldn't be. Like usual and when they were in Miyagi, the two sat in comfortable silences. Though, instead of Shouyou drawing and Tobio studying, they both drew.

Tobio wasn't really good at it, but he tried anyway. Shouyou had drawn a reference for him and told him to try and copy it many times, and by his fifth attempt it actually looked pretty okay. They'd do this a lot, just drawing while music played in the background or Shouyou told him about the different patients he met.

Tobio hasn't been in school for a long time.

Dropping out of university has not gone well at all, not in the slightest. A scolding from his parents was expected, but being outcast by them wasn't.

'What did I raise you to be…'

'I should've given up from the start.'

'I knew it was too hard for you.'

'You're not welcome here until I say so!'

Hearing that from his parents was painful, no matter how disattached he was from them. That exact detachment also made it easier to not think about though, so it was a blessing and a curse..Kind of.

The decision to drop out to begin with washing a hard one. Had it been half a year ago, he would've laughed in somebody's face if they told him he would do that so easily. it couldn't be done in the snap of his fingers.

And yet it was.

'Why do something you hate?'

Maybe it wasn't something he should constantly be thinking about, but he was. He was, because nothing in life had ever been quite so simple. Nothing was ever really so black and white.

Why do something you hate, though, was an excellent question. It came with it's excellent answer, 'You shouldn't.'

Tobio wasn't stupid, he knew life brings shit you don't want. One day he would have to get up and do something he hates and have no choice but to do that one thing. Sacrifices would be made, that's what being an adult meant.

But why did it have to mean he should become something he hates? Economic business? What a joke, and to think he actually attempted a career with that.

No, no he shouldn't do something he hates. 

He'd do something he loves.

So while Shouyou stayed at the hospital, Tobio practiced what he loves more than anything.

That's right, what he loves is volleyball.

'I'm not a caged crow.'


	8. lonely

After basically moving to Tokyo all together, he had gotten an apartment with the help of Shouyou and his never-ending, pit-less wallet. It must be nice being so rich, being able to buy an apartment like it's nothing.

It was a lot bigger than his little apartment down in Miyagi.

Rather than peeling wallpaper, the walls of this one were well taken care of. Probably a very new building, then. At least, it sure looked like one as so much of it was made of glass.

Still, the walls were white. That hadn't changed.

It was also still a one bedroom apartment, which was perfect of course. Despite his protests, Shouyou even bought him a bed. Along with kitchen utensils and plates and cups, a bunch of new clothes of Tobio's choice, a tv, a coach, a table, a chair. Filthy, this guy was filthy fucking rich. Just WHAT were his parents working as? 

Now that Tobio was sitting down at the new light brown couch in front of the tv playing the stupid curry commercial, he actually thought about it for a minute. All those excursions Shouyou had to Tokyo with his family, he never spoke about them. Of course, he figured the "family business" stuff was actually visits to the hospital. Had his family been with him there? 

Shouyou had spoken of a sister before, Natsu. Yeah, Tobio sure knew loads about her. Orange haired, hyper, on a volleyball team like Shouyou had been years ago. Except she actually cherished it, practicing and training like crazy. 

Although, they weren't close. The look on Shouyou's face when he spoke of her was a mix between sadness and happiness, though Tobio couldn't quite pinpoint it. Regret? Bittersweetness? Just nostalgia?

He didn't know why they were so distant, and he didn't know why Shouyou didn't speak of his parents.

He did know, however, that they were very similar in that aspect.

Miwa was so much older than Tobio that they hadn't gotten much of a chance to be close, Miwa was always moving onto a completely different chapter of her life while he was left behind.

And even now, there was no contact. Especially after dropping out it probably wouldn't improve. Family outcast, huh?

Maybe Shouyou was too, but why?

Why were they so much more alike than he thought?

Living in the city so new to him of course brought a new routine. Wake up, eat, go to the gym, visit Shouyou, practice volleyball, fool around on his phone, go to sleep. Then, repeat. It was honestly, truly an incredible break from a hard university life.

Volleyball had been integrated back into his life when he dropped out of business economics. This is what he truly wanted, and he still had the chance to go pro. He still had the ability to go out and look for a league, he could still do it.

Just because he hadn't played in a while didn't mean he forgot how to. Sure, it was a little harder to receive the balls his temporary partners would spike to him, but he still got it. And maybe jump serving was a little harder as well, but after about 10 attempts he was right back to his original state. And setting? That stayed the exact same as he had perfected it. 

This was what got him to be scouted(before he reluctantly rejected it). But it wasn't enough for him.

Not yet. 

He had to get better.

So, while Hinata spent his days in the hospital, Tobio did everything he could to improve and move to a new level.

Today however, was a break from the gym. Instead, a longer visit to the hospital awaited him. For what, he didn't know. Just that Shouyou insisted on it.

And as the reminder on his phone went off, he dressed in a plain white tea and black jeans, hopping into the Toyota Mirai and driving off. Not without some One Ok Rock, of course.

-

Kill him, Tobio was going to fucking kill Hinata Shouyou.

Here he thought he was told to come earlier because well, maybe Shouyou wanted him around more. That erupted a warm feeling in his chest just at the thought of that. 

Any thought of Shouyou possibly wanting him, something alike those thoughts always warmed him up. 

Well that warmth was crushed by awkwardness.

Tobio opened the door to Shouyou's hospital room, "Shouyou, H-"

And the sight in front of him made him stop everything. There sat a boy in the chair by the bed, bleached hair framing his chin, the very top remaining a natural colour and imitating pudding. His fingers continued to fidget with a Nintendo til he took notice of Tobio standing awkwardly by the door .

"Oh," cat-like eyes slightly widened at the sight of a stranger.

"Oh?" Tobio's eye twitched.

"Oho!"

Finally, he took notice of Shouyou who sat cross-legged on his hospital bed, clad in loose blue jeans and a grey shirt with some sort of bands logo on it. Tobio couldn't tell you what it was even if he tried.

His eye twitched again at the smug look on his face.

"Uh," the pudding haired stranger lazily faced the wild haired man. "Shouyou...what?"

Tobio hated to admit it but he was just as confused to see a stranger by Shouyou's side. It wasn't jealousy really, just confusion because it's not like anyone but him ever visits.

"Glad you ask!" The already-overly-hyper male hopped down from the bed, padding over to grab Tobio's arm and leading him to the other male in the room.

"Tobio, this is Kozume Kenma. Kenma, this is Kageyama Tobio."

Ah! It clicked in Tobio's head. His roommate from Ishinomaki! Shouyou had shown photos before but it's not like he cared enough to remember the stranger in the pixels.

Hesitantly, the two slightly bowed to each other in acknowledgement though they looked away as soon as they could.

Awkward. Awkward. Awkward. Fucking Awkward. He was going to kill Shouyou, he was going to KILL HIM.

The smirk on Shouyou's face told him everything he needed to know.

With a content sigh, the orange haired male jumped onto his bed and smiled widely at the other two.

"Soooooo," he began stupidly as Tobio took a seat beside Kozume. "aren't you two excited?!"

Blankly, they both stared at their mutual friend. At their silence, Shouyou's smile became more desperate, encouraging them to try. 

Tobio ended up breaking first with a sigh, "excited for what?"

Shouyou shot his arms in the air.

"We can watch a movie! I'm allowed out of the hospital today!"

At that, both quiet natured boys perked up before realizing that meant both of them had to interact for longer than just this meeting.

They both sighed, facing away after briefly side eyeing each other.

"C'mon! It'll be fun, right?!" Shouyou jumped down from the bed again and made his way towards the door, calling out for a nurse to tell her about their outting.

-

As awkward as it fucking was, it could've been worse.

'Kozume-san-'

'Please...no honorifics. Kenma is okay.'

'O-okay.'

Yeah, the first name basis came quickly. Despite that, it was a little tense as Kenma apparently hated social interaction just as much as he did.

Shouyou hard-carried the conversations the entire day like his life depended on it. Of course, no one really complained. Except during the movie when Shouyou wouldn't shut up and both of them would have to cover his mouth before they all got kicked out.

By the end of their day, when the two had bid their friend goodbye after dropping him off at the hospital, it was revealed to the two of them that apparently Kenma was staying with Tobio for a day according to Shouyou's arrangements.

Great, more interaction.

Again, the cat-like boy wasn't bad. It's just that if you put guns to both their heads and told them to have a decent conversation they would both be 6 feet underground within 7 seconds.

Kenma had stepped out of the washroom after a shower though, and Tobio couldn't help but ask him something.

"Kenma…" He stepped out to his dark living room as both he and the older male preferred the dark anyways. 

He looked up from drying his hair, muttering a quiet, "yes?"

Tobio sighed and ran a hand through his black hair before sitting down next to Kenma on the grey couch Shouyou bought. Admittedly, it was extremely comfortable and he almost felt like falling asleep right then and there. Well, he was sleeping here anyways as he was giving up the bed for his guest.

But not before he would ask the question.

"How long have you known?"

Kenma stared back at him with questioning eyes before they widened, but only a little. He folded the towel in his lap and hunched over a little, hair hiding his face.

"Ah, about Shouyou?"

Tobio swallowed, "yeah."

Kenma sighed a little then, looking at the wooden planks blankly. Well, he always had quite the blank look without a phone or Nintendo in his hands.

"About 2 years," his voice turned softer, if that was possible.

2 years...Kenma has seen him like this for 2 years. Tobio felt a pain in his chest and didn't know if it was for Shouyou or for Kenma.

"How..." he hesitated. "long have you known each other?"

"4 years."

Tobio stared ahead at the black screen of his tv, feeling only a little jealous.

"That's a long time…"

"Not really."

Kenma looked up, his hair falling back and revealing his face. It was the first time that Tobio saw him show a different emotion. His lips were turned downwards, eyebrows furrowed. His cat eyes were glassy.

Shit.

Tobio shifted uncomfortably, "what do you mean? It is."

And it is, isn't it? 4 years is a long time unless Tobio is so shit at this friend thing that apparently it wasn't. 

"Yeah, but…" Kenma shut his eyes, though tears did not fall thankfully. "It wasn't enough."

Tobio's eyes widened. 

Why was he speaking like it was already set in stone? Had Shouyou's roommate really given up on him like that? Did he not think that he could overcome his illness?

It made him angry but it was hard to express anger when this extremely introverted and quiet person was sitting just beside him, talking about his friends health condition. It'd be cruel.

Yet still, he narrowed his eyes and turned his gaze away from the older man.

"Don't talk like that please."

"Huh?" Kenma's voice rose an octave.

"Don't," Tobio sighed. "Don't talk like he's gone."

It was awkward already, when they first met and when they hung out. And now Tobio probably made it worse.

'This is why you have no friends except for that tangerine.'

Kenma seemed to stiffen at his words, which was very cat-like of him. Why did he resemble a cat so much anyways? 

"Ah…" the blonde fidgeted with the ends of his grey sweater. "No, that's not what I...sorry."

Fuck this is fucking awkward fuck this. Tobio really wished he was a rock or something at that moment.

"No, I'm…" he stupidly stared at the tv again. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…"

A tense silence fell over them. Because of course it did.

Tobio knew he sucked at conversations but was he really this bad? This bad? Sure, Kenma had said something he didn't like. Sure, it made him angry. And yeah, he told him not to say it but where the hell do you go from here?

If Shouyou was here he would know. He always did, god why how the hell did that beautiful little shit deal with him in the first place? Was Tobio this bad when they met too? It'd been so long and going so well that he had no recollection of being this bad, like, ever.

'Shouyou why'd you put me in this position?!' Tobio continued to curse his best friend, growing more and more frustrated with not just the situation but with himself. Why can't he just speak normally-

"Do you…"

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Kenma who turned to him, sad eyes on display. Tobio gave him attention by turning too. The other cleared his throat.

"Do you love Shouyou?"

Tobio almost jumped out of his skin and onto the ceiling. (Then he would be the one resembling a cat.)

"WHAT?!"

How did he know? Had Tobio done something? Said something? Was it obvious?

A billion questions raced through his mind, the fastest being, did Shouyou know? If it was obvious then did he know? Well, they did do things like sleep in the same bed and occasionally hold hands and- did Shouyou actually hear his heart? Had he told Kenma about it?

Tobio stood above Kenma, his mouth hanging open in a stupid fashion. Why, just why did he have to be confronted? Kenma seemed to backtrack, a crease in his eyebrows. 

"Ah I mean, it just…"

"I-I-" Tobio sputtered, uncharacteristically flushing like an idiot.

"It just looks like you really care."

He stopped the foolish muttering, staring instead at Kenma who in turn gave a knowing look. God no wonder he and Shouyou were friends, that was so fucking sudden.

If it looked like he cared, that meant...Shouyou probably knew. Maybe, that boy was either super observant or completely clueless. What had he even done to make it look like he cares that bad?

Whatever it was, it was true. 

Eating with Shouyou wouldn't have become a daily ritual if he hadn't. Going on a month long trip wouldn't have even been a consideration if Shouyou didn't matter so much. Sleeping in the same bed, actually sharing his dreams and interests, holding hands, basically having a panic attack when Shouyou was the one having a seizure.

Looking into his eyes like he held the entire universe, and in turn he had his own eyes examined as if they were jewels under a night sky. 

"I..."

Before he could continue, Kenma smiled, the first smile that had been directed at Tobio all day. He stood up quietly, nodding his head respectfully and moving past the owner of the apartment with the towel in his hands. He looked over his shoulder, smile still present.

"Goodnight, Tobio."

That was fucking weird but Tobio very dumbly nodded back with cheeks undoubtedly still flushed red.

"G-goodnight."

Before Kenma could make it to the bedroom he turned back again, eyes focussed on the ground.

"Thank you for caring for him…"

"Eh?" 

"Thank you for having me and thank you for caring for Shouyou. Just thank you."

Then, the older man stepped into the room, but not before Tobio blurted it out without thinking.

"I do love him."

Kenma simply stayed still, facing away from him. However, Tobio could see the smile on his face widen and the man hummed.

"Goodnight, Tobio."

Tobio would be lying if he said he didn't feel like an idiot. Here he was, just meeting a new person and already blurting out his love for a certain orange haired wack job. Yet, it felt good to get it off his chest.

Would he regret it? More than likely.

But right now all he wanted to think about was fiery curls, honey brown eyes, and warm hands.

He fell asleep thinking of just that, dreaming of just that.

-

It was a little odd to do things without Shouyou. It was lonely, that was for sure. But more than that it was odd, unnatural.

Usually after a shower, Shouyou would be right there. Skipping, spinning, running on his toes all around the small apartment Tobio used to own. Well, he still owned it.

But Shouyou would be there when they struggled to cook together and would give up both reluctantly and eagerly and opt to buy takeout. How many times had they burned something? Or accidentally threw out ingredients they needed? Or put too much salt? Or it was dry? Too many to count, they stopped trying about a week into living together.

Then there were the lazy mornings, the ones where they'd just lay about watching random anime and movies and wondering, huh, this is what they're skipping school for? And they sure as hell were, because the shows were good! It was worth it! More than the shows though, it was worth seeing his best friend in the mornings.

Of course it was awkward the first night they shared a bed and woke up in the morning to find each other with their limbs sprawled over each other, Shouyou's head inches away from his own. That was the day when the redhead pulled him down after listening to his song request and Tobio had obliged. It was all Shouyou's fault that they sputtered and tripped about when they scrambled away from each other.

But, when Shouyou had started staying over in that month it hadn't been like that, not quite. Maybe it was still awkward, because now they were always awake enough to register that they were in fact sharing a bed because nobody was about to sleep on the tiny sofa. And…

And Tobio also realised he could've set up a futon...If he had one!

Yeah, he hadn't thought of bringing one from home as it's not like he ever has friends over or goes anywhere else to sleep so what was the point? Maybe, just maybe, listening to his mother would've done him some good. Maybe.

Well, not listening was actually a good thing. Because in the time that he and Shouyou slept in the same bed for a month, he got to see the way the man wakes up. Usually it was Tobio that was first to rise out of sleep, first to see the other male. And that sight had...well, it was pretty in its own way.

Shouyou liked to drool in his sleep, and snore. And he hit the raven haired man every time they slept. And it was everytime that Tobio would have to steal back his part of the blanket, because Shouyou was a hog and apparently a pillow wasn't enough. He would actually scrunch up the blanket in his sleep and rest his head on it as if there wasn't an entire pillow sitting right there.

Shouyou talked in his sleep sometimes, that almost wasn't surprising. Almost, because the things he said were odd. Not that he necessarily said anything odd in Japanese. No, this guy spoke in sim. It really was cryptic waking up at 4 am to hear Shouyou mutter gibberish in his ear at the volume of a truck at 6 am on a Sunday.

Really, it was a little annoying and troubling sleeping with that idiot. At the very same time, it was magnificent.

Tobio had gotten rid of all his plushies by age 7 when his mother and father insisted he was way too grown to have them. Oh, they didn't pay him mind to anything else though. Just dictated what made him seem like a man and what didn't.

But sleeping with Shouyou was exactly like hugging a teddy bear. Maybe he was incredibly skinny, but he was also incredibly warm. Well, most of the time at least. Being sick made him shiver often, but it was barely a hindrance for Shouyou.

Holding Shouyou close in his arms half way through the night, sometimes he pretended to be asleep just to get Shouyou to sleep faster so he could finally reach out and hug his little stress ball. Because really, Shouyou made everything bad from that day go away.

'Ew.'

Tobio knew it was weird to do that, to stay up just to hug his best friend, but he couldn't help but yearn for it. To hold Shouyou was a privilege, one he would not give up. 

'God, when did I get so sappy?'

By all means Shouyou was still a big idiot in his eyes, that wouldn't change. And he was still unbelievably clumsy and loud and messy, just those things became endearing over time. He could ignore it all, or not because he actually enjoyed every moment with the boy.

And now, he wished he could hold Shouyou in his arms, shield him from his illness and from the world and everything else that poses a threat. To hold him and inhale the sweet smell of coconut shampoo and apricot-rose body wash, the same one he uses because neither cared enough to seperate them. 

He wished he could be greeted in the mornings with the sight of Shouyou sprawled out on the sheets, even messier orange locks sticking out every which way and drool rolling onto the pillow. Yeah, waking up to that sight was a blessing.

It's okay even if he didn't ever confess. He decided that the day Kenma stayed and left in the morning.

It was okay because it didn't matter if he couldn't call him his, it didn't matter if they wouldn't date and love each other and get married like couples do in the movies. And they wouldn't go on a million dates and sleep in the same bed and have it mean anything more than just living together.

It was okay, because Shouyou didn't need that. It was okay because Tobio finally had a friend, and ruining it couldn't be an option. It was okay because Shouyou didn't love him like that anyways, and most likely never would.

It was okay because all that matters is Shouyou getting better. Everything else is second, third, fourth, and last.

All that matters is Shouyou will be okay.


	9. admittedly

September had come again, which was an odd feeling. 

It was cold again, but it was a little better than Miyagi. Wind still ruffled Tobio's hair, but he wasn't wishing for a hat or scarf or extra jacket. And there wasn't a river he could run to, not in this part of Tokyo. 

The city he dreamed of going to as a child…here it was. 

But here was the thing, he has been to Tokyo. But not really, because stupid training camps for volleyball could not possibly count. He hadn't been to the fun part of Tokyo, so it really, really didn't count.

No, he was here for real this time. With Shouyou.

But it wasn't what he thought he always wanted.

Tokyo was beautiful at night like he thought, it was bright and it was huge. It was beautiful, lights shimmering and changing colours in the night during drives(he had gotten a lot better at that) and big signs of random restaurants bringing colour to his steps. 

It was so much brighter than Miyagi it was insane.

But…

But even so, Shouyou spent his days in the hospital. Maybe Tokyo would be better with the brightest star next to him. But he couldn't be, and the rare times they could be together were spent during the day.

Not to say that those were boring, because they weren't. They'd gone on a road trip, exploring a portion of Tokyo just from inside the Toyota Mirai. Shouyou had asked to drive and Tobio reluctantly gave in because apparently he was perfectly fine and fit to steer. He trusted him, though it didn't hurt to keep an eye on his hands.

That time, they played all their favourite shared music. Even unshared, because they both, though unspoken to each other, missed driving and listening to music together oh so badly. Maybe it had only been a month, but it felt much longer. Like drugs really, there were withdrawal symptoms from both of them. 

From Radiohead, to One Ok Rock, to random ballads and classical pieces to pop punk and bubblegum pop, they listened to anything they liked although they still teased each other for their, "lack of taste." Tobio didn't have to be a genius to know Shouyou missed it.

They hadn't ever spoken about that night when they stared into each other's eyes, and Tobio hadn't dared to bring it up. Despite that, the thought of speaking of it had crossed his mind multiple times.

'Why? Why did you look at me like that?'

Again, it was dangerous territory. Tobio knew that. 

Growing up without really interacting with people your age brought him to a disadvantage. 

It's not like nobody has liked him, he's had those random girls confess to him. It's just that nobody has loved him.

Nobody, except maybe his grandfather. Even then, it's a little hard to imagine being loved.

What is it really like to be loved? He had an idea, and dangerously it all lead back to Shouyou again.

To be asked to stay, to lay in the same bed. To share everything with him, physical items, memories, dreams, and everything else that has ever made him happy. The way in which Shouyou took his life by the reigns, but not forcefully. How he had given him so many memories in Miyagi, and how he had given him a light in his life.

How it felt to wake up after Shouyou occasionally and see the man looking at him with those big beautiful eyes. And how once he caught on and pretended to still be asleep in the mornings, he could feel Shouyou trace his palm with his smaller fingers. How he would pull the blanket over his body, tucking him in even in the morning.

They had stopped their lives all together, instead continuing with each other within the walls of a small white apartment on the 5th floor. In that twin sized bed, at that tiny kitchen, in that dull living room.

He felt loved, if he was correct about love to begin with. Because the dull ache in his chest mixing with the warmth was torturous yet extraordinary. Because it felt like dying but taking the first breath all over again. Because when Shouyou held him it was like seeing sunlight for the first time in 20 years, and like experiencing a thunderstorm for the first time when he couldn't spend 24/7 with him.

He'd grown attached, incredibly so. He knew nothing about love, but there was a hope. Just a hope, nothing more.

If being loved meant Shouyou, then being loved was his biggest desire.

Something was different since coming here, Tobio could feel it. and dreaded having to confront it. Yet, admitting it would do him some good.

Dull and boring Miyagi had always felt like some sort of curse, perhaps the universe had cast it upon him. 

But not anymore. Tokyo was supposed to be exciting, but it was hardly that without Shouyou making most of his memories. No, Tokyo was great but it wasn't Miyagi.

'I love Miyagi!' 

Shouyou had told him that many times, and many times Tobio didn't understand.

But now,

'I miss Miyagi.'

Those words seemed to be true.

How did he end up here? How did life end up coming full circle so quickly? It was all Shouyou's fault and Tobio thought that he wouldn't rather have it any other way.

That small apartment in Miyagi had been just right, and the apartment he now had in Tokyo was supposedly amazing. And it was! But it wasn't filled with memories.

There had yet to be a dancing Shouyou in the living room, or a snoring redhead in his bedsheets. There hadn't been a single cooking accident, and not once had Shouyou taken a shower in this specific apartment. Sharing a meal here had never happened.

Reluctantly, and almost bitterly, he admitted that this wasn't all he dreamed of.

No, maybe Miyagi was never the issue. Maybe Tokyo was never the dream.

Something bright, something exciting, and something new.

Someone bright, someone exciting, and someone new.

Someone strong, someone kind, and someone to love.

'Someone stronger will come and find you.'

Miyagi was never the issue.

Tobio didn't know why he'd come so late to this realization, and maybe it was years and years of lack of self pity holding him back.

It wasn't the city, it was the people. 

Because once the brightest star in the sky had landed behind him on september 27th last year and barged into his life, Miyagi hadn't been the problem.

'I'm here.'

Tobio stared over the lit up city of Tokyo from the rooftop of his building for only 5 seconds longer before he was fishing out his phone and typing a message. Despite the night, he hoped Shouyou was awake.

[Kageyama Tobio]  
shouyou, dont leave anytime soon

And thankfully there came a reply 1 minute later.

[shouyou]  
i wont

-

Tobio should be sleeping, he really should be. He should've went the hell to bed after texting Shouyou but instead here he was, back to Miyagi.

Who cares about the drive, he just wanted to be back here.

So he was, and to say he wasn't glad he drove back would be a lie.

So he drove past Karasuno, past the school that had given him the opportunity to become a pro volleyball player. The school he spent 3 years in, feeling worthless despite the accomplishments. But this school had a new memory, and that memory consisted of cold hands and red noses, snowflake coated lashes and rosey cheeks. 

Past the bus stop, past the convenience stores from his highschool days. It hadn't been long since Karasuno days and yet it may as well have been a lifetime by now. It seems that the phrase "time flies when you're having fun" is true.

In the next 20 minutes, he had arrived in their old parking lot. It hadn't been long at all since he came here either, and still nostalgia hit him at an unimaginable speed. 

Walking through the sliding doors, through the lobby, and into the elevator. 

Out the elevator, through the hallway, and there it was.

525\. home sweet home.

The key sliding into its lock clicked its familiar click, and the weight of the door as he pushed against it felt just right. 

The wood creaked as he closed it, and slowly he took off his shoes. Everything was just as he left it, because why wouldn't it be? 

Tobio wasn't one to be homesick. No, not really. Missing the house he grew up in had never crossed his mind since getting his own little apartment, he never longed for it. Experiencing a yearning for this old, peeling wallpaper let him know that this was probably it, that he was homesick.

But what he came for wasn't the stove that still had a mysterious burn mark from whatever he and Shouyou failed to create. And that stained window they would look out in the mornings, he had only given himself a chance to linger on it for a mere minute. The lonely couch they rarely sat at, because why would they share it when only 1 could fit? Yet even that bit of furniture held memory. And it wasn't the kitchen table he had where they would draw the couch to when eating, where they shared their first, second, and third meals.

What he came for was on the top shelf to the right, next to the volleyball given by his grandfather. 

There, right where he left them they remained.

Tobio grabbed the yellow gloves, slipping them over his fingers despite the warmth of the apartment. Still, they fit just right.

He turned to their room next, examining the state he left it in. They'd cleaned up the apartment before leaving, well, Tobio did as Shouyou was still in the hospital at that time. 

He flopped down on the bed, sighing in content at the familiar feeling.

Tobio rolled over to his side of the bed, which was a small amount of space honestly because this was just a twin size bed after all. And unfortunately, because he washed the sheets and blanket, it held no scent of Shouyou. 

He was about to be disappointed before he remembered a certain blue sweater. Quickly pulling it out the drawer next to the bed, he slipped it on and snuggled back into his covers as the blanket enveloped his frame.

It was his, but Shouyou had decided to wear it randomly one day and proclaim it as his. Tobio was fine with that for whatever reason. But, it was left behind by the original owner of the sweater because apparently he was too stupid to bring it along.

But it still smelt of the redhead, which brought joy to him indescribable to most people. it felt nice to be back, and the driving had gotten him awfully tired.

it wouldn't be awful to sleep now, he wouldn't be seeing Shouyou till 1 pm tomorrow and he could skip out on the gym for just on time.

Skipping out on volleyball to sleep in a bed he and Shouyou shared, wearing a sweater that was stolen from him by Shouyou. 

"I've finally malfunctioned," he whispered to no one, but he was sure the deities were laughing at him. 

-

Tokyo's October wasn't as cold as Miyagi's October, thankfully.

They sat on top of the rooftop of Tobio's apartment. By himself, Tobio has done this plenty of times, and everytime he wanted Shouyou to tag along. It's not like it was anything special, but the stars in the sky, the moon, the leaves flying up above and down below had made him long for a moment like this with the slightly older male.

In all honesty, worry washed over Tobio when they had driven to his apartment. Shouyou had the chance to go out and took it, claiming he was perfectly. Yet...yet he didn't look like it. His eyebags couldn't have gotten much worse than the summer, and they really didn't get the chance to get terribly worse. Just still, still there was a difference. A wider depth, a darker blotch under both brown eyes. 

Shouyou had started coughing a lot from late august till now, but even then the redhead seemed to be holding back his fits. Despite the short distance from the hospital to the Mirai in the parking lot, Shouyou stumbled quite a bit even if he walked slower than usual, avoiding bouncing and skipping altogether. Every stumble and every shaky breath shook Tobio's own body and he wished that for a moment he didn't have to be the one to see him like this. 

Not quite silent but not cheery like usual, the ride to their destination differed from past drives. Occasionally it was Tobio who struck a conversation and it must have come as unusual to the other. It wasn't mentioned only because Shouyou somehow had a convincing voice that yes, he's excited and yes, he's alright.

They laid cross legged in the middle of the rooftop, uncaring of its unsanitary grounds. Tobio thought it was an awful idea letting someone sick lay on the bare ground so he grabbed the blue sweater and let Shouyou rest at least his head on it. Laundry easily be done later, and still he felt it was more than likely not enough. Plus, Shouyou remembered it and smiled at the sight.

As he wanted there to be, bright shimmering stars lit up Tokyo's sky. It was a bitter thought even now when admitting that Miyagi was more beautiful when it came to their skies. 

"-And then, Konoha fell over! I was really scared when it happened, but they're okay! Just...they're really, really sick."

So Shouyou had made another friend at the hospital, and Tobio was genuinely happy about it. A warm feeling always resided within his chest knowing that the man had people there for him at all times. But it did raise a rather overdue question.

"Glad he's okay, but…"

"Yeah?" Shouyou turned his head with a gentle smile. Tobio turned as well though he avoided the eye contact.

"What about your other friends?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do they know?"

Shouyou is a social butterfly. Rather than Tobio who struggled to interact and approach or be approached, Shouyou got along just great with just about everyone. Even someone like Tobio even though they teased each other so much in the beginning. He didn't know how Shouyou had even managed to get through to him or why he kept trying, but the friendly fellow had done it.

Tobio hadn't met any of Shouyou's friends outside of Kenma, which was just fine for him. In the month they spent together the redhead hadn't hung out with anybody with him though, and it's not like Shouyou spent every waking moment on his phone. If he had so many friends, shouldn't he message them?

"No," Shouyou admitted with a tight lipped smile. 

Tobio frowned in return, "why not?"

It made him feel a little better knowing it wasn't just him that didn't get insight of Shouyou's health condition till later. Kenma only found out 2 years ago, and god, his other friends didn't even know. Tobio didn't want to be insensitive, he wasn't in Shouyou's place after all, but what the hell? Didn't Shouyou realise the severity of not saying anything either?

Shouyou sighed, blinking up at the beautiful stars. His breath seemed a little ragged despite lying down.

"I'm scared."

And again, Tobio found that unbelievable. Shouyou being afraid of something, yet at the same time who wouldn't be if they were ill? Sick with leukemia? If it was Tobio, he probably would've...actually, no, he had no clue what it was like. To fathom it was unimaginable, because if somebody strong like Shouyou couldn't even get the words out by himself when Tobio asked him if he was sick then, maybe the fear was greater than Tobio thought.

And it upset him that the man he loves was scared and he was unable to do anything but ask why.

Shouyou responded to his single word question with another shaky sigh, swallowing a lump in his throat.

"I don't want to...to drive them away."

Tobio sat up at that, sitting up on his knees. Shouyou held out a weak hand and Tobio took it in his own, the coldness not going unnoticed. He was pulled into a W sitting position, sighing gently again. Tobio's frown deepened.

"Why would that drive them away?"

"I…" 

He wasn't one to be at a loss for words most of the time, for crying out loud he ran his mouth uncontrollably. It was out of character for him to be struggling, and again Tobio felt the same dreadful pit in his stomach as the day when he found out about the leukemia.

"I don't want them t-to regret meeting me," his teeth clattered a little and before Tobio could offer to go inside, Shouyou pulled the sweater he laid on over his head, wearing 2 sweaters now. 

"They won't," Tobio assured, placing his hands awkwardly on his lap although he wanted to reach out and pull the other into a hug to warm him quicker.

"They will...and you will…" 

There wasn't much Tobio could do before tears sprung to Shouyou's bruised eyes and spilled over his rosey cheeks. Frozen in place, he watched with wide eyes as the redhead smoothed over his hair and wiped at his face.

"I-I don't...I don't regret meeting you- I- Why?" Tobio started to shake his head as he was still unable to move and do something for the crying male. 

Shouyou was crying. The first tears he's seen spill from those beautiful eyes were as painful as he imagined. 

Shouyou eventually stopped rubbing at his eyes, allowing them to rest from the harshness of the sweater's ribbed sleeve.

"Oh, Tobio," he whispered as a silent sob clawed its way out his throat. His frail hands rested before him on the roof's cement, tears falling onto the pale skin. "you're g-gonna hate me."

'Move.'

'Fucking do something.'

An ugly, tight feeling squeezed Tobio's heart at the sight of his favourite person in the entire world struggling to compose himself. 

"I won't…"

Useless hands felt heavier and heavier by the second, as did his chest and the rest of his body. Why would he hate Shouyou? What could the other ever possibly do to make him hate him? 

Shouyou bowed his head, gasps leaving his lips as he attempted to stop the tears which kept flowing.

"I...I lied to you…"

Tobio finally moved, but only to flinch.

"W-what?"

Shouyou looked up with his watery eyes, an equally watery smile to match. Tobio felt his lungs close up a little, a lump forming in his throat. Lied to him?

"I-" Shouyou choked on a wet sob, or a laugh. Maybe both. "I didn't...tell you everything at all and...I d-denied too much."

The other shook his head slowly, "what di-did you…"

"I'm dying."

Time stopped.

"I'm not getting better…" Shouyou laughed out. "I lied about not being there for long...I-I lied when I said I don't know if I can get better or not...I knew."

"it's killing me...it's gonna kill me…" and the sobs racked his body.

Every now and then, the idea of a multiverse is brought up. Many little universes of their own all living separately yet at the same time. In one life, maybe you are human and living an office desk job. Maybe in another, you are an alien. Maybe you're neither, maybe you're an unidentified species.

If time could be rewinded, Tobio wouldn't waste a second to go far, far back in time. Before Shouyou would develop an illness, and before he could get in contact with any situation and possibility that could result in the dreadful outcome. He'd go back in time and if possible, change every life Shouyou lives in every universe to be one of assured good health.

The cruelty of this universe chose this Shouyou to suffer terminally, ridding of hope and dimming it's most beautiful light. 

The cruel reality of this universe was casting it's same two outcomes on the only two people Tobio has ever loved.

And again, for just a split second, the man before him faded out, leaving his grandfather's figure behind. As soon as it had shown itself, it disappeared. Still, there sat Shouyou, his small body shaking with his cries.

And it hurt.

It fucking hurt.

It pained Tobio to hear the words he never wanted to listen to. Not from Shouyou, not from someone he loved.

He didn't know when his eyes started to pool with tears, and he didn't know when his hands began to shake.He couldn't hear anything but the sound of his own heart pounding in his ears, caged behind his ribs and begging to make its escape of this body that's always been useless and unable to stop anything bad from happening.

His arms reached out for Shouyou desperately, pulling the boy in close. His fingers dug into his shoulders, his head shoved in the crook of his neck. He could almost feel Shouyou's fingers on his back, but it was hard to tell through both of their bodies shaking.

There was this feeling he always got from volleyball, the one where he starts to panic because they're out of time. And his vision starts to darken, and his breath is quicker, and he can't think. The one where he knows he will lose, that there isn't a chance anymore.

He used to think that was the worst feeling he would feel after his Grandfather's passing.

How wrong he was.

Because there he sat wide eyed and unsure of what was happening anymore, clinging onto Shouyou pathetically. His vision did darken, but it watered and it shook. His breath was slower, but it was also heavier and he couldn't even feel himself exhale. And he couldn't think of anything but how unfair, how cruel this all was. And this time too, he knew he would lose, and that there isn't a chance anymore.

It hurt so bad.

"S-Shouyou…" he croaked out. Surely, he would regret not being able to collect himself and how he allowed himself to freeze once again as Shouyou's body shook, though for a completely different reason. Shouyou is the sick one, dammit. He's the one suffering, he's the one dying! Yet...and yet…all Tobio could do was let him see his weak state, clinging onto a blue sweater as he stupidly stared down on his jeans. 

Time couldn't have been slower.

"Y-you asked that one time," Shouyou coughed. "I-I said I'm not, but! B-But…"

And it was out there now, and it made sense. He knew all along and yet he chose to go explore Miyagi with a person he met only months prior. He lived with that person, ate with that person, shared a bed with them, bought an apartment for them.

Tobio didn't understand why as his eyes dried up, an uneven shake in his pupils replaced the tears.

"I'm sorry-" Shouyou sobbed. "I'm so-" a sharp inhale. "so fucking sorry...I'm so sorry-I'm sorry!"

Tobio tightened his hold impossibly tight, pulling Shouyou on top of him. Whether he found this weird or not was dismissed in his head. He didn't care anymore, it didn't even matter. 

Shouyou, beautiful, sweet Shouyou was in his arms and dying every second and he couldn't do a damn thing. The least he could do was hold him close, hold him tight like never before.

"Stop…" Tobio shakily muttered, his breathing remained ragged. "stop s-saying sorry…"

And Shouyou clung onto him tighter, gasping out as he sobbed to his heart's content. And Tobio would let him, because how could he even ask him to stop when one day, he wouldn't be able to stop anything?

A stabbing pain ached in Tobio's heart as Shouyou held his head to his chest, shaking like never before. He wanted to cry, he wanted to sob and scream and lash out. If there was a force pushing down on his chest and holding his tears back, it would've been simpler. Why can't he cry?

"P-please…" another sob left Shouyou. "Don't hate me...please don't go..."

Tobio shakily shushed him as the crease in his eyebrows caused a bigger headache, and Shouyou's hold on him did nothing to soothe the pain. He rocked his best friend back and forth but had no clue who he was even trying to comfort at this point.

"I don't...I w-won't…"

All he could do was hold him, his dread building to the brim as the other's sorrows spilled over.

He had no clue how long they stayed like that but by the time the weakee male calmed his crying, the night sky was still dark and the lights remained bright. It created a sore on Shouyou's puffy eyes and Tobio's headache still hadn't been helped. Thankfully what seemed like hours must've been minutes.

It barely registered in Tobio's mind that Shouyou was still on his lap. When he did, the other man seemed to notice too. He expected to be pushed away, for the boy to scramble out of their position, or some other form of coming to the right state of mind.

But Shouyou remained there, staring at Tobio with his still watery eyes before hugging him again, this time with his arms wrapped around his neck. 

And god, looking him in his eyes reminded him of everything he would lose again. On his tongue there formed a bitter taste.

"Are you...tired?"

He felt a head nod against his shoulder and took that as a sign to wrap his own arm's around the male. He picked him up and almost gasped at the lightness of the body. Shouyou didn't even squirm at being picked up, so he moved. It would've been effortless if his legs didn't feel like lead.

One of his arms rested on Shouyou's back, the other under his thigh for support. Walking down the stairs of the roof would've definitely been an issue even if his legs didn't feel as heavy as his heart. It was hard and he almost fell a couple of times but Tobio found that his gained muscle from training and Shouyou's small frame made it only a little simpler and harm free.

Once they made it down the stairs, to the elevator, and through the hall, they were inside the apartment. Tobio laid him down on the couch. At least, he tried to. Shouyou tightened his hold around his neck, pulling Tobio down til their noses touched. Heat rose to his cheeks as he held his breath, waiting for the next move from the redhead. This was the closest their faces have ever been, they'd never actually tried to touch each other's faces like this before.(except for pulling cheeks and pushing each other's foreheads when they argued) The tingly feeling he wanted to experience was overshadowed with sorrow.

"I…" a tear escaped Shouyou's eye and Tobio quickly wiped it with his thumb. 

"I don't wanna sleep alone anymore."

Tobio could almost sob at that. 

"Me neither."

He pulled Shouyou up again, the man's thin legs tightening around his waist again as he was hoisted up. He trudged over to his bedroom, all the while with Shouyou clinging onto his neck as tight as he could. He pulled back the blankets and set Shouyou down, rolling over next to him. The hospital may expect him but right now he cared less than he cared about school his entire life. He'd regret that for sure, Shouyou's health is important, but he knew they wouldn't get any other chance. Not in a little apartment again.

They held each other rather than laying apart, like how they usually would start their night. Shouyou shoved his face in Tobio's chest, his small hands holding onto the back of his sweater. In turn, Tobio held his waist and head, running his fingers through the orange locks. 

The sweet smell of coconut shampoo and Shouyou's natural scent was back. The warmth of his hands and the rest of his body however seemed faded. With sickness came the cold, Tobio knew that too well, so he reached over and bundled Shouyou up in his blanket.

Once he successfully covered anything that could get cold, he held onto him again.

There, he was back in his arms. Finally, he was back in his arms.

It was bittersweet to be held by Shouyou, never knowing if it would be the last time.

Tears pooled in his eyes although he didn't dare to let them spill. He had to be strong, if not for himself then for the one who's state weakened with each passing moment. Shouyou couldn't see it, but maybe it was the way his body stiffed and chest vibrated from cries begging to be released, because the redhead held onto him a little tighter and Tobio could feel wetness on his collarbone.

"Shouyou…" 

"....yes?"

"Don't leave soon…"

"...it's hard...to stay still…"

Tobio's breath hitched at that and he rested his cheek on Shouyou's hair.

"I know," came the whispered words, his voice cracking. God, he'd hate himself when he woke up and he'd hate the world a little bit more too.

"Yama?" Shouyou whispered.

"Yeah?"

"You...you still have my gloves?"

Tobio pulled back a little at that, pushing back tears as far as he could as he did so. He blinked down at Shouyou who stared up with his puffy eyes which could be seen even in the dark. God, he looked awful 

Looking over at his nightstand, he saw the gloves there. Shouyou must've seen them when they got in, and he realised that Shouyou probably hadn't even remembered that Tobio didn't give the gloves back. All the way back in December, almost a year ago.

"Do you want them back?"

He shook his head, nestling his head back in his chest and sighing.

"I want you to keep them."

Tobio's shoulders tensed for an unknown reason, "why?"

And tiredly, through a yawn, Shouyou responded with 5 simple words.

"You look good in yellow."

And god, despite the situation, Tobio blushed. He even felt himself squirm a little. Hesitantly, he asked why again, it wasn't too often Shouyou complimented him like that.

"Jus' cause…"

And he smiled, holding his friend a little closer, a little tighter, a little warmer.

By the time he was ready to sleep, thinking Shouyou was already in dream land, the redhead spoke up.

"Yama?"

He replied with shut eyes, "yeah?"

"Can you," a yawn. "play Spectre?"

Tobio opened his eyes at that, pulling away to see Shouyou's face, "huh?"

"I...want to fall asleep to it again."

And who was he to deny him? With a slight stretch Tobio reached into his pocket for his phone after seeing it wasn't on his night stand.(He's so lucky he didn't lose it) and lazily put on the Radiohead song.

It's dark piano played on the lowest volume as he set the phone between them, laying further away from Shouyou to give him space before the male took it upon himself to reach out and latch onto the raven. He accepted it, and did his best to fall asleep before the song could make him cry.


	10. special

Waking up with Shouyou's always been an amazing way to start a day, and today was no exception. 

As his eyes cracked open, Tobio first noticed the soft head of hair nuzzled under his chin, the messy orange locks tickling his cheek. The next thing he noticed was the warmth of Shouyou's arms around his waist, and embarrassingly one hand had somehow made its way under his sweater and onto his bare back.

The blue sweater he'd given Shouyou to wear was still on his small frame and he smiled. How nice it felt to have him wear his clothes, and how much nicer it felt to have him back in his arms even for just one night.

Like all good things, his euphoric morning came to a turn.

The sudden realization and memory from the night prior flashed in his mind and almost instantly, the tears threatened to spill over. Tobio cursed himself, struggling to push it all back. 

The boy in his arms is dying.

The man he loves would be gone, and then what?

What the hell was Tobio going to do?

Maybe it was irrational, and maybe it was even childish, but he pulled himself out of Shouyou's hold and sat up. Anger bubbled in his chest and this time it was directed at the sick male.

He felt despicable getting angry at Shouyou but it couldn't be helped. Not one to be able to deal with emotion well, Tobio's brain explored ways to put the blame on someone, anyone! 

And it wasn't Shouyou's fault, he knew that! He fucking knew it wasn't his fault.

Yet...and yet…If Shouyou had just left him alone that day, everything would be okay. He wouldn't hurt, and Shouyou would hurt less, and maybe he would've had a different fate. Somehow, just somehow maybe that was a possibility.

"Tobi?" A groggy voice sounded behind him but he didn't turn. 

'Calm yourself…'

The bedsheets rustled and the bed creaked as Shouyou sat up. 

"What's...what's wrong?"

Tobio continued to sit at the edge of the bed, his back turned towards his best friend. Something in the back of his head told him to stop, to just let this go and let Shouyou have a peaceful rest of his life. Yet, his desire for an answer was stronger, and he wanted to know. Greed, it was doing him no good again.

"Why did you wanna be friends?"

Shouyou yawned, "wha?"

"September, last year." Tobio turned around to see Shouyou hugging himself, the blue sweater swallowing him whole. Tobio almost felt his frustration evaporate...almost. "Why did you want to be friends?"

Shouyou shrugged tiredly and replied without missing a beat, "hm, well, I dunno. I told you I was looking for friendship, right?"

"Hinata."

The harshness of his name must've snapped him out of his tired state, because Shouyou's puffy eyes widened a little at the usage of his family name. 

Warily, he ducked his head a little, "Tobio-kun?"

And fuck, he was scared of him. It's not supposed to be like this, he wasn't supposed to be someone Shouyou fears. He wasn't supposed to use his last name like that, and he wasn't supposed to yell at a sick fucking person-

But this is Hinata Shouyou, and he is Kageyama Tobio.

'Don't treat me differently!'

And maybe because of that, maybe he could stay the same.

"Why did you…" he sighed despite wanting to yell. "just why?"

Time moved slowly as Shouyou's gaze shifted between Tobio, the bed sheets, his hands, and the closet. 

"...are you upset I did?"

The younger male picked at the sleeve of his grey sweater, sighing and shrugging.

"A little."

It couldn't go well either, because Shouyou flinched a little though it was hard to tell if it was out of fear or returned anger.

Shouyou bit his lip, "why?"

It took a little time for Tobio to process that his anger wasn't directed at the man before him in the slightest.

Accepting friendship hadn't been something he could imagine for a long, long time. People were untrustworthy, and they were cruel, and they were too hard to understand for little Tobio. That'd been true all of his life, at least until this bright haired man walked into his life.

Suddenly he had another acquaintance, another companion, then he had his first friend, his first best friend, his first love.

The walls he put up weren't knocked down by the shorter man, they weren't even pushed in the slightest. It was true that Shouyou was touchy and hyper and eager for just about anything, including gaining knowledge of new people he meets. Still, not once had he pushed Tobio past a limit.

His first time holding hands, first time hugging someone at night, his first time enjoying a meal with someone else that wasn't his grandfather. It's not like Shouyou told him to do it and forced him into it without a choice. To say that he had no say in anything was a fucking lie.

Tobio was the one to accept this new found affection. He was the one to allow the sun to change from being a nuisance to his necessity. He was the one to break his own walls, ripping them apart brick by brick til the sunlight broke through a little more. Greedily, each cement block was thrown away and into an abyss, leaving a slot for light, something he hadn't seen in a long, long time. 

He was the one to pull Shouyou in once a brick had moved and that first sliver of light shined through, he interlocked their hands, working away at the rest of the wall with his other hand. And god, he didn't know that force and speed of pulling the wall apart would leave these harsh, angry, red marks.

He didn't even think to look at them for a split second longer than he had. Shouyou had come through the barrier, the very barrier Tobio put down.

It wasn't Shouyou's fault that Tobio was so starved of love.

And it hurt to build the wall again, because he tried to pick up those same bricks out of their endless abyss to no avail, only more harsh lines littered his skin. 

Turning around to see Shouyou sitting on a pile of those very bricks struck that realization. He'd taken down his barrier, and any strength he may have had before had been stripped away the second he did it. Now only one of them had the ability, the strength to close it all up and lock Tobio back in his own home of longing. 

A guilty look sat on Shouyou's face, a hand holding one of the bricks and his eyes flickering between it and the broken wall. Then, just below him, concrete cracked. 

Tobio ran to Shouyou, pulling him away from the accident waiting to happen.

That guilty look intensified and all Tobio could do was whisper.

'It's not your fault.'

"Because-" Tobio stood up, walking to the middle of the room as the redhead squirmed in the middle of the bed from his seated position. "fuck, Shouyou! What the fuck am I supposed to do now, huh?!"

It's not Shouyou's fault. It's not, he's just so angry at himself for letting himself get attached. And there sat the only person he could trust, that mixture of guilt and rational anger on his face.

"I don't…" Shouyou shook his head, his eyebrows pressing together. "What are you-"

"You-" Tobio turned and wanted to yell, so fucking badly he wanted to just yell! He opted instead for inhaling deeply, running a hand over his face as he failed to understand one simple thing. "just please answer me. Why did you want to be my friend?"

Maybe it wasn't important to others. Yeah, this random stranger walks up to you yelling out your school's name, introducing himself as a first year at university, them promptly asking to be friends. Maybe it was the dream for somebody to befriend a wild child like Hinata Shouyou. It hadn't been the case for Tobio.

The person he wanted nothing to do with had admittedly become the biggest ray of light in his life, and he wanted to know why. Just why did Shouyou want to be friends? What could've been so interesting about Tobio who had stood there that day, shivering from the cold.

He knew he had low self esteem, that wasn't something he could deny and avoid for the rest of his life. So of course it was hard to imagine anyone, even someone as weird and outgoing as Shouyou, would care about someone like him.

It wasn't something he would tell the man, probably never would, but the truth was that he didn't see himself as someone worthy for Shouyou to just go up to and befriend.

So what the hell could the reason be?

Tobio received no answer as he waited for what seemed like 5 minutes but could've easily only been 30 seconds. His track of time flew outside of the premises anytime he was angry and impatient.

With a sigh, the bed sunk underneath him when he sat down on it's edge. He was faced towards the redhead who's expression was unreadable as he sat with his arms around his legs.

"Shouyou-"

"I thought you were perfect."

"Huh?!"

Tobio's eye twitched and for a moment wished he was completely oblivious to the warmth of his face. What the hell?

Shouyou cringed at his reaction, shifting around a little until he sat cross legged and the white blanket laid across his lap. Through the scrunch of his cheeks Tobio could see the red on his face as well, and it was easy to tell as the man had gotten significantly paler over the last 2 months. That was a sign Tobio completely looked over back then and he almost cringed at his own ignorance.

"You...what was that...?" and good god he still couldn't believe his ears. Did he hear him right?

Shouyou fidgeted around a little, focussing in on one spot on the bed before sighing somewhat defeatedly. 

"I thought that...well…" his eyebrows pinched together even further when he scratched the back of his head. "I was struggling with my manga. I knew I wanted to make one, just I didn't have any...any solid ideas. B-But then I saw you and..."

Shouyou paused for a moment as did his hand that retracted back to his lap. A nostalgic look took over his features as he pulled on the ends of his blue sleeves.

"You were standing by that river, looking at the autumn leaves by your feet like they were the cause of all your problems. It was...just...something about you..."

And Tobio couldn't believe that he was actually getting an answer other than "just because" or something else that would be very Shouyou-like. He expected something simple but here Shouyou was, telling him he actually watched him for more than just a second. 

"I," Shouyou continued with a somewhat shy tone. "well, the first three things I thought about you were, 'serene, exact, and cold.' It was a cruel description at the time, but I hadn't felt like that was it. It-it wasn't! I couldn't pinpoint it but...I just had the thought that 'He's special.'"

In his time of playing volleyball in school, there were numerous times that the word "special" was thrown around and usually at Kageyama Tobio.

'Did you see that number 9? My, that kid's got somethin' special about him!'

'King of the court? Wahhh, he even has a special name!'

'Those sets really do have something special in them!'

It had come to a point where it no longer phased tobio, where he no longer really cared to be praised with that word. Being called special was something many people, especially volleyball players sought for. He knew that and he understood that but at the very same time it had been meaningless.

He loved volleyball, really! He adored that sport more than any other hobby he had, more than anything he's worked for! But being called special, or rather, being told your skills are special couldn't bring out anymore pride in him now than it had when he was 16 and was called special and talented by a random person in the gym with him. It didn't quite mean anything when everyone kept saying it.

But it meant something when you, yourself, were called special.

It was always about volleyball, how special and talented he could be in that aspect. But never about him.

He couldn't blame them, he couldn't see anything special about him either.

So, for the first time in his life, he was told he was special.

No matter how deeply he searched, not a trace of an unfinished sentence was evident. That had been it, Shouyou had been the first to call him special.

And god, it felt nice.

Shouyou smiled sheepishly.

"I was unsure if I...should talk to you," a shrug, then another bright smile. "But I saw your Ishinomaki jacket! And-and after that, it...I wanted to know you more."

Tobio felt all his anger physically evaporate, even if it was just for now. Because everything Shouyou was saying, everything he was hearing was so unexpected and he hadn't prepared for an answer like that at all.

Oh, but he shouldn't be shocked that Shouyou was always full of mystery and surprise.

"But why?" Tobio crossed his legs too, now sitting directly in front of the other man as he felt himself get more and more intrigued. The blush on Shouyou's face complimented the shade of his orange hair so well that he wanted to just reach out and hold him again.

At the same time, he felt guilty for snapping at him earlier. It felt only a little rational before and even if he recognised that anger was never directed at Shouyou, it made Tobio feel even more guilty for wanting to touch him. Still, he felt inferior to the other boy.

But as he sat there wallowing in his own regret, the redhead was fidgeting around with his hands, rubbing at the spots between each index. When he looked up, his bashful smile completely stole Tobio's breath away.

"I wanted you to be my main character."

Stupidly, Tobio's eyes bulged out and his breath hitched. It must've worried Shouyou because the next second he was waving his hands with a crooked frown.

"Well don't look like that!"

Snapping out his stupor had only been easy once he realised a big detail about the aspiring mangakas little confession.

"That's," he swallowed. "the first thing you've told me...about the manga."

At that Shouyou looked almost regretful as he sighed, "yeah, you get a little spoiler there I guess."

He crossed his arms, "it's based off of how I saw you in the beginning. Kind of…" the pause he took to think looked like it was actually hurting him to use his head. Tobio wanted to save him the trouble but in all honesty his head hurt just as much thinking about all this. Him? A main character? Shouyou's main character?

"I don't know!" The man's frail wrists cracked as he shot his hands up to his hair. "It may not be how others would see it! But as I got to know you more, I realized the serene, exact, cold description wasn't...too...accurate."

And it still hadn't fully processed in Tobio's head that he was the main character.

"You're saying...the manga is about me?"

Shouyou covered his ears as if the words burned him, as if he hadn't been the one to reveal anything, "no spoilers!"

"I-" he raised a hand only to be cut off.

"Hush!"

"Shouyou..."

And the boy crossed his arms, huffing at the expense of his manga's detail being revealed.

"That was it really. I wanted to be friends with you because I thought you were perfect for my story, and getting to know you has been worthwhile as well," that smile was back although it suspiciously didn't reach his eyes. All Tobio could do was realise how lucky he is for being here.

Shouyou continued, "it wasn't just my story that benefitted from knowing you, I...I did too."

Not many people have made Tobio truly feel special. If anything most people made him want to never show up anywhere again, except maybe at the gym and some sort of river he would find. Not many people had the ability to make Tobio speechless, in fact nobody could.

Not until he met Hinata Shouyou.

Being at a loss for words felt odd and stuffy and words were sitting on the tip of his tongue. Nothing in particular came to mind though and he couldn't help but give up on saying anything more than, 

"Thank you."

Shouyou quirked an eyebrow, "for what?"

'For making me feel alive.'

How badly he wanted to say those words, to just tell the fiery haired male how big of an impact he's made on him within a year. Tobio sighed as he realised he really was in trouble and he has fallen insanely in love, almost a little too deeply. For just this moment, he forgot it was all crashing down.

'You should tell him.'

Kenma had told him that and for the first time he actually wanted to.

He resisted the urge to smile.

"For going up to me that day."

With an exaggerated throw of his arms, Shouyou sighed in relief. "I thought I messed up!"

Tobio pursed his lips, feeling guilty again, "no, you didn't. I did."

Shouyou frowned, "but...how?"

And for some reason he remembered their conversation from two months prior when the sick male confirmed his suspicions. He remembered the mini burst of anger he had then, and thought well there isn't any better time.

"You were the one to barge into my life. But I was the one who let you take control," he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. God, it was frustrating talking about feelings.

Shouyou shrugged with an unsure smile, "I don't like to think it's like that..."

In return, Tobio frowned with an upturn of his chin, he didn't like being told he's wrong after all, especially not when he was actually telling his true feelings. Of course that didn't matter to Shouyou, that boy was probably the most honest person Tobio had met.

"Yet it's what happened," he shifted his gaze to look out the window, studying the raindrops on the glass. When did it start raining?

Shouyou pondered for a moment, chin in his hand, "that's really how you see it?"

"Yeah, how do you?"

He could hear the smile in Shouyou's voice as he spoke, "I think I just showed you my way of life, you simply got inspired! I guess that's what's cool about us, right? You're my inspiration too!"

Either it was the dullness of the outside world or the loudness of Shouyou's voice but Tobio turned his attention back to find the 20 year old sitting on his knees, big blue sweater reaching just past his hips with the sleeves hanging off his arms, forming sweater paws.

And that smile he could hear was now one he could see, and like always it hadn't failed to shine despite the darkness of the morning. Despite the puffy, bruised underneath eyes, the paling skin, and the shake of Shouyou's body as apparently standing up on his knees was a hustle.

Tobio knew something was very wrong with him when he found himself wanting to swoop him up in his arms and never let go.

"Shut up."

"Ehhhh?!" Shouyou's jaw dropped, his longish hair bouncing over his eyes as he folded his arms. "That's all?! Man, we have to work on your timing and ability to read the mood."

Tobio prayed there wasn't any actual blush on his face, because it sure felt stuffy from earlier.

"I'm sorry, what mood was this exactly?"

With a sigh, Shouyou flopped down again and crossed his arms. He left the blanket untouched. "Dunno, the one where I tell you my life's been worthwhile because I met you?"

If Shouyou saying Tobio was his inspiration didn't make him want to completely lose it, then this surely was.

He buried his face in his hands, groaning as if he was annoyed rather than sad to hear such words. Actually, he was both. That, and he was embarrassed too.

He wanted to hold him close again, at the same time he wanted to kick the guy to the curb. More than anything, he wanted him to stay with him like this forever.

Only one person could make him feel so much at once.

"You suck."

He received no response, taking that moment to continue although he would probably regret it. No, he couldn't because he probably wouldn't have any other chance.

He'd regret insulting him more than anything, he was sure of it.

"You really suck," Tobio repeated as he looked up to find a somewhat concerned, somewhat upset expression grazing the other's features. "because mine...mine has, too."

He hoped he wasn't imagining the blush on Shouyou's face as his eyes widened, but only for a split second because by the next moment Shouyou was looking at him with those sad brown eyes, an equally sad smile to match. Tobio couldn't allow himself to get used to seeing this bright person look like that.

"I bet it has," Shouyou rubbed at his eyebrow and whispered the next words. "I'm sorry."

It was scary how fast things can change, especially emotions.

Almost as quietly, he asked, "for?"

The clock above his bed ticked unbelievably loudly through their silence, matching up and then unmatching with Tobio's heartbeat. Silence with Shouyou could be fun, because of course it could.

Just...not now.

He looked away completely once he heard Shouyou's shakey voice, shaking his head at his words.

"I'm sorry that...in the end-"

Without warning he launched for the boy, pulling him in close again. Just like last night, he clung onto his shoulders and held Shouyou's head to his chest. Thankfully Shouyou accepted it, arms wrapping warmly yet shakily around his middle.

He licked his lips, tongue and throat feeling drier than usual.

"I'm so-" Shouyou's attempt at an unwanted apology were cut off.

"No, no more. Don't say another word."

"Tobi-"

"Just," Tobio sighed and lowered his head onto the shoulder covered with his, no Shouyou's blue sweater. "just tell me anything, anything else on your mind. Just...not that."

A hand reached his hair and ruffled it while another hand rubbed up and down his back. Dammit, he thought, was this to comfort Shouyou or himself? 

After a brief moment of silence, Shouyou hummed, "you told me a long time ago that you had no friends up until now."

Tobio snorted, "what a nice thing to say."

"You're used to it."

"Unfortunately."

The silence fell over them like a blanket, and it was almost comfortable. The blanket was quite ragged rather than soft, not enough to be relaxing and peaceful, but something Tobio could deal with. Something told him he didn't wanna hear Shouyou's next words but needed to.

And he was right, because the words that fell out the smaller mans mouth struck him hard, clawing and then mending his heart.

"Thank you for letting me be your friend."

Without missing a beat, he found himself replying with the first thing that came to mind, "thank you for picking me."

And he knew he needn't to clarify a word he said. He pulled away after a couple minutes of silence even though he wanted to stay like that for a long, long time but he could tell it was just overstepping their line of friendship.

He pretended not to notice Shouyou's reddened cheeks.

"So you don't hate me?"

"No!" Almost too quickly he yelled out, then scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "n-no…"

Shouyou inhaled deeply as he stretched, then dropped his arms down and straightened out his legs.

"I was scared for a second there, y'know…"

He didn't have to continue for Tobio to understand and feel regretful. He expressed it, for once.

"I'm sorry."

"Shaddup."

They knew what was next. Too well almost, how Shouyou has to go back to the hospital. They may actually be in a bit of trouble for not coming back. Tobio turned to his friend before quickly averting his gaze, shy to ask him what he wanted to.

"Can you stay for just a little?"

No response came so he clarified.

"I want to eat with you here. Not...there."

And just like that, Shouyou was back to his smiley, bubbly self and jumping to his feet at the mention of food but not without stumbling.

"Yeah, me too!"


	11. happy birthday

Tobio's parents may have forgotten him but he didn't forget them.

December 22nd was his birthday and like every year he didn't feel any different than he had the previous day. After all it's not like birthdays were made a big deal in his family apart from the times his grandfather would get him a gift, usually some sort of cool new volleyball gear. Besides that though not much would happen, not even a party like he'd see the other kids have.

'Papa!'

'Yes, Tobio?'

His little self would climb on top of his father's lap and of course the aging man would simply place one large hand on his shoulder to steady him, the other working at the keyboard.

'What are we doing for my birthday?'

And his father would hum, rubbing small circles on his back without looking away from the bright screen.

'Just a dinner here, son.'

Even little Tobio already knew by age 8 to not push any further for anything more.

He knew by the time he was in highschool that his parents were neglectful. It's not like they tried to hide that they didn't quite care too much either, it was pretty obvious after all. What's the point in hiding it?

Speaking at such a late age couldn't have just been by chance. The only person that ever cared to teach him anything, from the alphabet to volleyball, had been his grandfather. To say the old man was pissed when Tobio's kindergarten teacher told the family that the boy couldn't read or write was an understatement. Immediately he had taken Tobio under his wing, though it wasn't quite possible for him to take his grandson away from his father and mother. How could he take his son's child away from him?

Yet Tobio wished he did.

Birthdays weren't anything special to him, not his own and not anybody else's. That is until he actually got to spend a birthday with someone.

Was he surprised the first time he spent a birthday with someone, a friend, was actually with Shouyou? Absolutely not. Apparently he'd been having a lot of firsts with the guy.

Despite it being Shouyou's birthday he actually chose to spend it in the hospital. Why? Apparently he didn't actually mind a hospital too much, which seemed a little weird at first until he realised that the man had spent his time in and out since middle school.

It seemed hellish.

Regardless, they spent their time in his hospital room eating cake, arguing about their silly little opinions, and updating each other on their days. Somehow they found something new to talk about everyday.

Spending a first birthday party with someone in a hospital could've been less than exciting to anyone else but something about being forced by Shouyou and his nurses to sing along to the birthday song was a mixture of complete utter embarrassment and fun. Plus, it became clear why Shouyou didn't mind staying inside when he seemed just a little weaker that day .

That probably completely summed up his relationship and interactions with the 21 year old.

December 22nd being his birthday came as a surprise to Shouyou since Tobio hadn't told him about it when they were friends.

'Yama! How could you?!' The redhead had yelled with his fists clenched, a cute pout on his lips.

'It's just a birthday.'

'I could've gotten you something!'

Yeah, he was pretty annoyed having been told the information only after his birthday passed.

But today again, december 22nd struck and maybe a little had changed. For starters it was just a little exciting to eat cake with the other again, and maybe this time he could force the redhead to sing. well actually he may not be against it, that boy loved singing even if he wasn't the best. Not completely awful, just gosh don't let him go on stage like ever. 

At the same time, it was only a little bit more sad because he hadn't received any birthday wishes from his family. It was hard forgetting them, even if it took them little effort to forget him.

Tobio shrugged that feeling off as he stepped inside the little bakery with the pink and beige front sign, picking out a cake he could eat with Shouyou. Eventually he settled on a simple strawberry cake covered with soft white icing and fresh strawberries dipped in syrup. He knew the redhead liked that one even if he hated it. Along with it he bought a peach yogurt that had somehow been an option, also 2 hot chocolates to fit the cold weather even if they'd be inside.

Thankfully the hospital was only 5 minutes from the little bakery and he almost felt like hopping(Shouyou rubbed off on him a little too much) but the drinks in his hands and cake in his bag prevented him from doing such a silly act.

Greeting the nurses was a little less awkward than all the other times, mostly due to his rush to Shouyou's room. They didn't really blame him, they learned not to question the few times he'd been excited to see Shouyou like the time he went to Miyagi and back and then ran to the hospital just to talk to the man in the hospital room he so frequently visited.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and prepared himself for an onslaught of words he'd probably receive.

But when he did step in after his knock, he found that Shouyou was fast asleep. Only a little bit disappointed, he set his bag and carton of cups down on the chair and little table just by Shouyou's bed.

Sitting down proved to do his nerves a little good even though he hadn't noticed he was a little stiff. Maybe it was the fact that there were loose strands of orange hair on the white pillow.

In the last two months Shouyou's condition had gotten worse...a lot worse.

Walking had already been a little troublesome to the boy before but now he could barely stand on his two legs, not without help. He used a wheelchair now and only rarely did he do that, he opted to stay in bed or sit on the windows ledge most of the time.

Being skinny was a norm for Shouyou, he'd been skinny all his life, but now he weighed about 93 pounds. Well, last time Tobio was updated on his weight that was the number and god it upset him so much the first time that he almost lost his cool and ripped the sheets with Shouyou's health condition written all over apart.

Why was he the one reading those? Shouyou's parents didn't have the time to visit and do any sort of checking up on their son, so Shouyou had given the doctors permission to show Tobio everything instead.

What the hell was wrong with both their parents? Especially Shouyou's?

The weight loss had been a consequence of not only the leukemia eating away at the man's body but also the lack of appetite. At some point he could eat a buffet's worth of food and now that gluttonous appetite was reduced to yogurts, strawberries, smoothies, milk, oatmeal, and occasionally some soup.

Hopefully he could eat the cake, after all there were strawberries on it. 

The eyebags didn't get any worse, they couldn't really. His skin however had developed a slightly blue undertone, mostly due to his veins being much more prominent than 2 months ago.

His hair had thinned a lot, though not from chemotherapy. The reason for the doctors to not treat his illness with that method had been revealed just last month when Shouyou told him that the chemotherapeutic was attempted during his middle and highschool days but failed to progress.

At this point Tobio had, unfortunately and reluctantly, gotten used to the idea of Shouyou leaving one day. It didn't even phase him anymore, not when he didn't have to see it happen yet.

And still he felt sad every moment they spent together despite that. Maybe one day Shouyou had fallen over, groaning in pain as Tobio guided him back to bed. Maybe another time Shouyou had been a little more upset than usual, scratching away at his notepad and ripping apart pages every other ten minutes.

Even through his illness he was drawing. Tobio could find that admirable.

It must've been an hour later when Shouyou stirred in his sleep and Tobio's head snapped up.

"Hi," the man in the bed croaked out as he weakly rubbed at his eyes. 

"Hi."

"Oh!" Shouyou shot up although it seemed to cause him dome dizziness, judging from his wince and the way a hand shot up to his forehead. "It's your birthday!"

Tobio nodded, "yup."

The redhead straightened up, a goofy smile creeping its way onto his face, "wellllll?"

"What?"

Shouyou inhaled dramatically before almost bursting Tobio's eardrums.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

Tobio shielded his ears a little bit, anxiously looking at the door to see if any nurses or doctors would complain about the noise.

"How old are you now?!" He continued to sing and giggle all at the same time, cheeks flushed red at his own foolishness. Tobio had half the mind to slam a hand across his mouth and honestly had no clue why he didn't do just that.

"How old are you now?!"

Tobio raised an eyebrow, "21?"

"How old are you noowwww?!"

He could hear the damn nurses giggling outside the room, clearly not about to help Tobio stop this loud orange.

"Shouyou-"

"How old are you now?!"

"You already asked!"

"Shut up and enjoy the serenade!" Shouyou broke out of his excitement for just a second before going right back and singing with his hands clapping.

"Are you 1?!"

"Huh?!" 

Shouyou continued despite his clear confusion, still clapping his arms above his head more animatedly than usual since his state had weakened.

"Are you 2?! Are you 3?! Are you 4?!"

"Shouyou!" 

"Are you 5- This is normal! Are you 6?!"

And to Tobio's dismay the count continued all the way to 21, Shouyou not stopping even if he ran out of breath by 11. 

Once he finished he cheered like he'd won a game of volleyball, like he was the champion of a boxing ring.

Before he could properly react instead of just staring wide eyed and open mouthed, the door was carefully opened with a creak and nurses walked in with not only a cake but a gift bag. Tobio felt his throat close up.

"Happy birthday!" The nurses yelled happily, and now that Tobio was actually paying attention he recognized them. Shouyou's usual and favorite nurses. Furuka, a middle aged mother, Hana, a recent graduate from university, and Erika, a foreign dark skinned woman in her early 50's. Yeah, he'd gotten to know them a little from Shouyou.

"Hope you have a good one!" Hana bowed politely, making her way out the room already with a kind smile.

Furuka struck a silly pose, "have lots of fun!"

"And get rest when you need to, Shouyou!" Erika danced her way out to a song only she could hear, of course she was energetic as always.

Shouyou waved, "of course!"

"Th-thank you!" Tobio called out awkwardly as he scratched his neck.

Once the door had shut, he broke out of his stupor and faced the culprit of his humiliation.

"That…"

"Was great?" Shouyou finished for him. Yup!"

The raven sighed, "I was gonna say weird but sure let's go with that one," he nodded to his own words unsurely. 

"Oh, come on! You loved it!" Shouyou was quite loud despite inhaling air as if he ran a mile when he finished the birthday song.

Tobio shrugged at him, pretending he enjoyed not a single part of the little ordeal, "I was thoroughly perplexed the entire time."

"Oooh," the redhead cooed with a laugh, "big words, Yamayama-kun!"

"Shut it!"

"Sorry, sorry!" A louder laugh. "But hey! It's your first time being sung to, right?"

Tobio cocked his head to the side, "huh?"

Bed sheets rustled as Shouyou straightened out his legs and leaned against the headboard of his bed, arms stretching in front of him as he examined his hospital band. Those were pretty annoying, apparently. 

He hummed, "you said no one's ever sung for your birthday before."

Tobio recalled the day he told him that and how disgusted Shouyou looked to be told such a thing as if birthdays were more important than anything else in the world. It suddenly clicked that, indeed, that's the first time anyone actually sang Happy Birthday to him. Those dinners with his family hadn't included any sort of music or singing, afterall.

"Oh, yeah…"

"Well!" Shouyou flashed another great toothy grin. "This is your first, then!"

"Is it always that loud?"

And then an even bigger grin with eyes squeezed shut, "even louder!"

Oh god.

Tobio crossed a leg over the other, resting his chin in his hand as this elbow made contact with his knee, "maybe I'm lucky for missing out all those years."

Shouyou instantly sulked, "you hated it?!"

Something about the way his lips formed a pout and his eyebrows creased made Tobio push away a smile biting at him. God, he wanted to smile so much today but it was a little embarrassing.

"Yup," he mewled amusedly.

It caused Shouyou to throw his arms up, though a little weakly, "Gah! You suck!"

Tobio clicked his tongue, though not truly mad, "why are you insulting me on my birthday?"

The smaller male huffed one last time, "whatever, bro! Open your present!"

"Oh, right."

He grabbed the bag the nurse left on the chair and carefully removed all the extra gift paper that covered its contents. He reached into it and pulled out the mystery item.

If Tobio was weak and had no dignity he probably would've started crying. A classic Mikasa volleyball sat in his hands with a nice golden bow tied around it along with a note hanging off it. He flipped it over to see 2 simple words.

'Work hard!' 

Apparently he took too long to read it because Shouyou was getting impatient and told him to hurry up.

"There's more!"

More? He carefully set the volleyball down on the bed, reluctant to get it dirty already. Something soft touched his fingers as he reached in again and when he pulled it out, there came a marvelous surprise.

"A fox plushie?"

"Yup!" Shouyou crossed his arms with a smug look.

Tobio almost laughed, "you really ran with me saying they're okay, huh?"

"I just thought it was fitting!"

Tobio set the soft new companion he had beside the volleyball and before he could thank the other for the presents, Shouyou once again told him that wasn't all.

One last time he reached in and felt somewhat rough paper. After pulling it out and inspecting it, he found it was a letter inside a yellow envelope.

"Should I be scared of your handwriting?"

"Oi! Just…" Shouyou suddenly blushed deeply, "just open it, will you?"

Feeling more nervous than before, Tobio swallowed as his tongue dried up a little. What could Shouyou have possibly written? He began to read the...well, readable but far from perfect handwritten piece of paper.

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

It's been a while since we became friends! I don't express it enough at all but I'm truly grateful that you accepted my friendship proposal! I know it was really sudden and actually, I was nervous but y'know me, I kinda jump in without thinking right?

I know I haven't told you all that much about my life before and during all this when you weren't around, so I thought this would be a nice time to gift you some of my memories. It might be lame but it means a lot for me if you saw these!

I don't want this to be sad and I don't wanna see you cry so if you're being weird and tearing up- well- don't!

Be happy you met me >:))) because I'm really happy I met you

You're the best friend I've ever had, so thank you for sticking around

Sincerely,  
Shouyou!!!

Just as requested, he did not cry or tear up and pushed any similar feelings of some sort of sadness he had so far back that he'd probably have to dig them out for when he's alone. Looking back at Shouyou, there was a shy, embarrassed look on his face. Before he could think about why he was flustered he remembered the photos that were mentioned.

There inside the envelope sat about 5 photos and nervously, Tobio picked them up.

The first one stole his breath away and he wished it was for a good reason.

Shouyou, no older than 16, sat in a hospital bed akin to his current one, his body tiny and frail. Perhaps he weighed about the same as he did now, perhaps less. His crossed legs gave away his boney knees, his equally boney elbows resting on top of them. He almost had to take a double take at the orange hat sitting on his head as he expected actual hair to be there. There was not a single strand peeking underneath his hat.

Despite that, his smile lit up the picture as two casual peace signs were held just above his knees. It seemed he was tired, which wasn't a surprise as of course he was, Chemotherapy couldn't be easy.

On the picture there was writing, a date with a little message.

06.21  
an unexpected birthday! 

Something about that made him feel sick. Tobio put down the picture and moved onto the next.

A little kid in an oversized grey and blue volleyball uniform struggling to pick up 3 balls at the same time. Whoever took the picture must've had a blast because little Shouyou sure wasn't with that frustration written all over his face. Tobio almost laughed at his short haircut which created the illusion of a much bigger head. He must've been about 10 years old in that one.

06.21  
volleyball is hard for a little guy!

He sighed in relief, thankful that maybe the rest weren't as tough to look at as the first. Perhaps that was Shouyou's decision as the hospital one was first. Hit then heal, huh?

The third photo seemed to be of Shouyou in middle school and wow, this was too good. Why would he show this? 

The front of his hair was dyed blue, the rest remaining orange. He clearly looked unhappy with it, arms crossed and pout evident on his round baby face. Upon closer inspection, he was wearing striped pajamas and there seemed to be blue hair dye on his shirt. Oh no…

Again, the writing.

06.21  
cheeky demon >:(

Tobio snorted, "who's the culprit?"

Shouyou laughed as well as he recalled, "Natsu."

And that explained a lot, actually. Natsu, huh?

The fourth picture must've been his third year of highschool as Shouyou stood proud and tall, well, as tall as he could, in an untucked school uniform and studded belt. The front was also undone down to the third button, a white tank evident right underneath. His hair was just a little shorter than it was now and stuck out every which way. The smile on his face wrinkled his cheeks and eyes, a red lipstick stain on his face. Tobio pushed away any type of jealousy that creeped up.

"That's one my mom took!" Shouyou called from the bed and instantly Tobio felt stupid.

"What were you, a delinquent?"

"No! I just didn't care, okay?" He crossed his arms again.

And again, a little message was written in the corner of the photo.

06.21  
I made it!

The fifth and last photo seemed to be recent. Actually, wait, this was taken a couple months. Wait…

Shouyou stuck up a peace sign at the camera with his tongue out and eyes shut innocently, but he could've fooled him if Tobio wasn't seeing himself sleeping in the back. 

"You!" He wanted to reach for the man's hair but decided against it as Shouyou actually went to protect it. Instead, he pushed his shoulder lightly.

"When'd you take this?"

"The date is-"

"No I know," he shook his head. "I don't even remember falling asleep that day."

"Eh," Shouyou shrugged. "took the opportunity."

One last message sat at the bottom of the selfie.

06.21  
Best birthday!

Tobio wanted to scream.

But instead,

"You have a sad standard for birthdays."

"You're one to talk!"

After that they decided to actually eat the strawberry cake though Shouyou apologized as he could only eat half of his slice. Regardless Tobio felt proud of him for even eating that much to begin with and offered him the yogurt if he wanted it for later. The hot chocolate had gotten cold by then and while it was still somewhat enjoyable, neither finished.

Like always, spending a day with the redhead was fun and even more fun when it was your birthday. It's not like things changed just because of one day, but maybe birthdays could be special.

Ticking filled the silent room as Shouyou and Tobio had been talking for hours and hours about all the useless little things in life. By the time it was 9:45 pm the sick male was yawning and rubbing at his eyes even more than he had earlier in the day, obviously exhausted from the day's events and his big burst of energy for the singing session. As much as Tobio wanted him to get rest, a certain item in his bag had been bothering him all day.

"Shouyou…"

The man softly exhaled as he opened his eyes, seemingly he was only half asleep, "hm?"

And nervously with shaking hands for whatever reason, Tobio pulled down the zipper of his bag exceptionally slowly as if that could actually help him stall. 

"I have something for you."

Shouyou rubbed at his eyes a little though he remained laying down. It was then that Tobio felt even worse not letting him get the sleep he so very much deserved.

"Wahhh? But it's your birthday, not mine..."

Tobio pulled out the item and his heart panged a little bit out of nothing but nervously. Well, maybe it was nostalgia too.

"Yeah but…" He coughed awkwardly as Shouyou stared up at him with those bruised, tired eyes.

"Anyways, uhm, here."

In Shouyou's hands now rested blue fabric that could go over both his hands, a size a bit too big for his digits just like the yellow garments he used to own.

Yeah, Tobio got him a blue pair of gloves to return the favour.

After a while Shouyou blinked, then blinked again, and his chin wrinkled as he teared up. Those shiny eyes didn't surprise Tobio, no, but the way the man gently craddled the gloves to his chest did. Tobio felt his heart melt and tighten at the same time as he looked down at his best friend who pulled on the gloves with shaky hands.

"You look good in blue," he hoped it was enough.

Shouyou's eyes closed as a watery smile formed on his face, his voice quiet and hoarse from exhaustion, "Tobi..." 

He ignored the skip of his heartbeat at the damned nickname, and the soft expression on Shouyou's forever beautiful face, "what is it?" 

"Thank..you." 

And he was hoping he wouldn't hear it being said like that, like it was more than oversized blue gloves. They were just that, blue gloves.

"For what?" Tobio pretended he wasn't feeling the slightest bit of emotion when he questioned him and zipped up his bag, slinging it over a shoulder and tucking his chair in. Visiting hours would be over in 10 minutes, it's always better to be prepared to leave. 

In 2 of those minutes, Shouyou didn't reply at all and for a second the thought he fell asleep mid sentence crossed Tobio's mind. That is until he breathed tiredly, a content smile and blush on his face as his bright eyes opened just a little with gold swimming in them. Sleepily, he finally replied.

"You...you make...me feel special."

And that was enough for Tobio to storm to the door, almost pulling the door from its hinges. There's no way he was gonna cry in front of Shouyou. Before he could think more about how this man was the first to say that he, Kageyama Tobio, makes someone feel special, he let his grip on the knob loosen and hesitantly spoke.

"You should tell your friends soon, by the way."

And Shouyou seemed to get what he meant even through his tired state, "hm."

"They deserve to know."

"Hm."

"Please."

"...okay."

And with that, Tobio made his way out the room, out the hospital, into the Toyota Mirai and into his apartment. Only then would he slam his face down on the sheets, silent tears spilling over.


	12. alright

Shouyou had in fact told his friends a month after that. Tobio didn't know any of them but from what he told him, his friends were distraught and...feeling abandoned and betrayed.

He really, really wished they reacted better because seeing Shouyou's heart break at the mention of his friends made him want to hold him close and safe away from everybody. At the very same time, if it was him he would've reacted even worse. Could he blame them? Probably not.

Which is why he was glad when Kenma had come to Tokyo in January. Shouyou could use the support, and Kenma provided it along with a tall, white-black haired hyperactive friend, a turquoise eyed serene guy, and a messy black haired male who seemed to be closest to Kenma. According to the long haired man, they were Shouyou's closest friends.

"We just wanted to see him one last time," the turquoise eyed man, Akaashi, sat on one of the 6 chairs outside of Shouyou's hospital room. The rest of the 4 took their seats as well except for Bokuto, the not so hyperactive, but more so anxious man with the white hair who paced the corridor in circles. 

Tobio hummed at Akaashi and shoved his hands into his pockets, slumping further into his chair. They'd been outside the room for about 10 minutes after their last visit to Shouyou. It's not that the redhead was going to die any second, no, he still had the power to breathe and live. The problem was he had had a seizure just a week before that. Of course, it sent Tobio into a panic when it happened and he had only found out the morning after. Once everything was over and he finally got the message from the nurses and told Kenma, Kenma and his friends booked 2 hotel rooms in Tokyo. 

They've been here for 4 days and to think that this was their last time agonized even Tobio. Why would you decide for yourself when you'd see someone for the last time?

Kuroo, the guy with the messy black hair, had been quiet and calm the entire time during their visit. It was true that Tobio'd been quiet as well as this wasn't his time with Shouyou, but he thought at least his friend from- well, wherever Kuroo was from- was he in Miyagi, too? Anyways, Tobio thought one of Shouyou's closest friends would speak a little more.

As if answering his silent question, Kuroo spoke shortly after Akaashi.

"I'm not usually this quiet."

They all turned to look at him. Kenma, who was beside the guy, grabbed his hand and interlocked their fingers. The older man gave a weak smile, squeezing back. Were they a thing? 

"I just didn't think I'd see him like that…" Kuroo continued with a hesitant voice, a hidden laugh sounded through though Tobio didn't think he found anything funny.

"Sorry," Kenma whispered. "I knew...he just…"

It had been Bokuto then who stopped his pacing and looked towards the ceiling, sighing loudly. Tobio raised an eyebrow at him.

The man turned then, a too-large smile on his face despite the glistening of his golden owl eyes.

"IT'S FINE, KYANMA!" The booming voice must've been heard by Shouyou, no doubt about it. It's likely the man in the empty hospital room heard the shaking in Bokuto's voice as well. "IT WAS HIS CHOICE, RIGHT?!" 

No one but Akaashi responded, a little unsure smile on his own face, "that's right."

Silence loomed over them then, only the sounds of multiple monitors and footsteps heard throughout the hospital. The clock seemed to tick louder than usual, irritating Tobio with its obnoxious repetition. 

Bokuto flopped onto the chair defeatedly, his posture falling apart as he rested his chin on a hand, resting an elbow on his knee.

"How did I miss it?" His voice was uncharacteristically soft and quiet, even to Tobio who'd just met him but hasn't heard him speak at any volume but 130. His eyes seemed to pool again and taking notice, Akaashi rested his hand on Bokuto's back. 

Kenma looked up, "what?"

"How did he hide it?"

No one chose to reply, unsure how. Well, everyone but Tobio.

"He's good at it," he huffed out as if he wasn't talking about an illness. "he's good at hiding things...he didn't even tell me. I was the one to confront him."

And that had earned him a hum from Akaashi, "yeah, he's a little like that."

It must've been 5 minutes later when Shouyou's friends would get up and bid goodbye to Tobio. While Kuroo, Bokuto, and Akaashi walked ahead, Kenma stayed back but only for a second. His words would replay in Tobio's mind for some time again.

"Please tell him."

-

Tobio didn't expect his parents to ever speak to him again but life was full of surprises, as it always was once Shouyou stepped into it.

He didn't expect to be woken up at 3 am because of his ring tone but here he was, answering a call at this ungodly hour.

"Hello?"

Rustling and sighing could be heard from the other line besides the silence. Tobio contemplated hanging up before a familiar voice spoke.

"Tobio."

Immediately he sprung up to a seating position, gasping. Was this a dream or a nightmare? 

"F-father?" He tried not to stutter but this unexpected call had gotten the better of him. Why was his father calling after all this time, at 3 am at that? He checked the caller ID to make sure and yes, sure enough, it's his old man.

"Yes…"

After months of silence he calls? Only now? He tried not to be angry but failed.

"What do you want."

Maybe it'd be easier if his father would yell at his attitude and choice of tone. It'd probably be easier if his father went on about his day randomly, actually, although it was unfitting. It'd be even better if the man said he called by accident somehow, using an old man's excuse.

"I'm sorry for everything," his father choked out.

The line cut.

When Tobio went back to sleep, he couldn't help but feel a heavy weight on his chest or help his struggle with erasing the entire conversation to begin with.

-

Opting to ignore that entire interaction and play it off as a dream, or rather a nightmare, was his best option. What the hell did that happen for? Who did his father think he was?

There were more important matters anyways, anything but thinking about just why his father would say those words for the first time in his life? Sorry? For everything? Wasn't it a little too late?

It's too little too late, and Tobio didn't want to accept an apology. Years of neglect couldn't be taken back. Why should he care now? Why?

To calm his frustration he went to the place that fixed his problems always, although it'd be temporary. 

Tobio recognized just how dependent he'd become on Shouyou. Before him there was nothing, but now he was everything. Every little thing revolved around the redhead, around making him happy and being with him and doing everything with him because he could make it easy.

While he was playing volleyball now and doing what he loves, Tobio couldn't help but think his life had in fact spiraled out of control. He'd been dependent on his grandfather and once the man had gone, there was absolutely nothing he wanted than to be with him. Now he's doing the same to Shouyou, growing so attached to the first person who cares about him in the slightest.

It's hard to understand emotions, he thought. He loves Shouyou but it hurts so much, it's no longer a good feeling for the most part. Before any of this mess came to light he'd actually started feeling happy. He thought so at least, but maybe it's not happiness after all.

Could someone like him feel that? It seemed impossible. It was impossible because the moment he grabbed onto their very ends of it, it's starting to fade. It hurt to hold on, to cling onto the very thing slipping through his fingers, yet he chose to stay.

Maybe if he was normal he would do what Kenma and his friends had. Maybe it wasn't so weird to decide the last time you see someone. Just maybe, that would've been better.

To think that the first person he falls in love with and makes him feel anything but loneliness is leaving him behind was too bitter. And still he stays, watching the person mending then causing his pain fade away.

There wouldn't be a happy ending.

It's a sad, unfair love.

-

In February Shouyou had gotten noticeably worse. Even getting into a wheelchair was hard, he couldn't quite stand up anymore and walking had become a problem a long time ago. He had to be fed through a feeding tube as he could no longer swallow food without it hurting. That inconvenience had caused his weight to drop to the high 80's, terrifying Tobio with how skinny everything had gotten. Sunken in cheeks, boney wrists, sharp shoulders, caved in collarbones, arms-width legs, just barely there arms, ribs that Tobio could feel if he poked his side. Of course he avoided doing that ever again.

Shouyou's skin may as well have been transparent with so many veins being visible on his hands. His body temperature got increasingly harder to handle so he wore large thick sweaters over his gown, paired with the slightly large blue gloves Tobio gifted him. In turn, Tobio wore the yellow gloves. Why? Because Shouyou had felt quite insecure for some reason.

He had started making a little less sense with what and how he feels and why, the doctor told Tobio it's just what happens when you slowly deteriorate. You say things, but people can't hear them.

Tobio tried not to look too deep into the things Shouyou would sometimes say anyways, doctor's advice.

"Snow!" Shouyou would sometimes blurt out and Tobio would have no clue what he was talking about, he's always indoors after all. He wasn't facing a window, and he wasn't pointing at it either. Just the word "snow" would echo in that little white room.

Or, he'd say something extremely out of character for someone like him.

"I think I have to go because I did something bad," he'd whisper at the end of visiting hours, startling the raven haired man with his sudden announcement.

"Don't go there!" Shouyou would also call out, yelling in the middle of a conversation with Tobio, always scaring him with his sudden bursts. He'd point at the door or the window when he did so, pausing for just a moment before the realization would set in and he would apologize. Everytime, Tobio waved it off as if it wasn't a big deal even if it was.

Everything used to make so much sense with Shouyou.

Times have changed, it seems.

Now, he sat by him like always and fidgeted with the straw of a juice carton. Shouyou told him to drink it but the sick feeling in his core prevented the slightest chance of digestion.

Something was bothering him. Actually it's been bothering him for some time now.

The entire time Shouyou was at the hospital, not once had Tobio seen his parents. Yes, they are busy and rich and working all the time Yes, it's hard to see your child deteriorate in front of your eyes.

But it's your fucking child.

Where the fuck are they?

"Where are your parents? Shouldn't they be here?"

Tobio's voice sounded louder than usual in the hospital room. It'd been silent for a while, only the monitor and Shouyou's slightly heavy breathing audible. In that time Tobio got to wander around his mind a little, doing his best to bring up the topic without sounding like an insensitive bastard or demanding something from the older man. In the end he decided to do it the Kageyama way, the straightforward way.

Maybe he should've considered more options than just Shouyou's parents being too busy because the response wasn't something Tobio imagined he'd hear.

"They're dead."

His eyes blew out his head, jaw dropping at the boy in the bed. The fiery haired man stared blankly at his blue gloved hands from his sitting position, a frown playing at his face as his jaw clenched.

"W...what?"

What the fuck?

Shouyou sighed softly, a sad smile taking over though his eyes remained blank. It was terrifying to see him like this, so lifeless for a moment and then smiling. Though...maybe that was even more horrifying to see, because Shouyou's face didn't fit the sorrow. 

He looked into Tobio's eyes, the slightest curvature of his lips widening, eyebrows twitching a little.

"I didn't say anything," he whispered. "It hurt too much."

And Tobio couldn't find any words.

"You don't have to say anything," Shouyou read his mind and sighed as he looked out the window. "It was a car crash. 2 years ago. They were coming here."

Tobio couldn't have been imagining the crack of Shouyou's voice. He most likely didn't imagine the tremble in his shoulders either no matter how little focus he had from the still-present shock from Shouyou's revealed family situation.

"Shou..." He reached out a yellowed gloved hand but retracted it slowly. How could he even comfort him? What would that even fix? Did he even want comfort? Shouyou continued monotonously.

"Natsu, too."

"Shouyou..."

The frail boy, looking smaller than ever, turned back with another unpleasant, watery smile, the watery eyes matching a little too well for Tobio's liking.

"I wanted to die."

And Tobio's breath hitched and his eyes widened a fraction more, his mouth following the example. He couldn't be hearing this right now, he just couldn't.

The entire time he's known Shouyou, the boy has been someone who radiates positivity and has brought joy to anyone he touched the life of. Good at communicating, good at cheering someone up, good at interacting in general. Happy to compete, happy to hang around, happy to go to so many new places that it didn't matter where. Besides his increasing weakening state at the time, nothing had seemed off about him at all except for maybe how willing he was to do just about everything.

To think that the entire time Shouyou was struggling silently, the fact he had been fighting for his life and dealing with the trauma of his family losing theirs seemed so improbable, so unrealistic. 

It seems life was unfair even to those who deserve nothing but kindness. 

"I stopped fighting," Shouyou seemed to read his mind again, or maybe he'd been prepared to answer anything Tobio would think. Of course Shouyou just automatically knew, that's him.

"I didn't care if the leukemia killed me anymore...I just wanted to be okay."

Tears threatened to spill from those honey brown eyes without Tobio having even said anything to comfort him. He felt completely useless watching the man recall painful memories from his past, presenting them for the other to see but not even say anything. 

Those tears however, only fell down those caved in cheeks with his next words, a large smile accompanying them although his eyebrows creased further.

"Then I met you."

If Tobio had a mirror he'd have no doubt he'd see the same conflicted eyebrows on his own face, a frown to contrast the other. It was always like this. Even in some of the worst moments, Shouyou was the light in the darkness. Though, maybe this wasn't light at all. No, it was dimming slowly, painfully slowly, and Tobio was here to witness it.

It's not light anymore, it's a darkness to match his own.

'How could he stay so strong?' Is something Tobio would've asked a long time ago. But this wasn't strength anymore, it's not that Shouyou was trying to stay strong. Tobio knew it too well, wanting nothing before meeting someone.

Shouyou depends on Tobio just as much as Tobio depends on Shouyou. 

"If I knew," Shouyou's tears didnt stop as he swallowed. "that I'd meet someone like you...I think I would've fought harder."

"I would've done anything to make this illness go away."

Those words hurt more than Shouyou may have thought because the next second Tobio had his head down, fighting back tears from shaking eyes and the forming lump in his throat. 'I wish you fought harder, too.' threatened to escape from his lips, but he knew better. At the same time, there was nothing to say. It's so fucking cruel, Shouyou's reality.

More so, Tobio thought, it's cruel that he would be the one that Shouyou would wanna fight for when Shouyou should fight for himself.

This really was a sad love, he could see it now. Maybe in another time, in another world, and in another life, this silent, indirect confession would flutter his heart. His jaw would drop, his eyes filling to the brim with happy tears rather than these ones full of hurt. He'd wrap Shouyou in a warm hug, telling him right back that the reason he wanted to continue living, not just surviving, was for the boy before him.

And though a part of him felt relieved that Shouyou reciprocated his affection for him, the dull ache disrupted any happiness that could reside from it. 

The hand holding, the insistence of following what you truly want more than anything, being so comfortable to sleep so intimately, being so okay with the staring and the carrying and the soft touches.

Not wanting to sleep without him.

It's all so clear what this was all along.

Tobio wouldn't be able to put it in words if he tried but the fact that they both fell in love for the same reason stung and told him, 'it isn't the reality you wanted.'

He was being so, so greedy. Like always, that's all he ever was. Selfish and greedy and couldn't even take a second to appreciate that someone even loved him.

It felt good, it felt so nice that someone loved him and he knew it. But it fucking hurt.

Shouyou had it so hard, he's the one dying right when he stops wanting to do so. He's the one dealing with hallucinations, and an aching body and an even more brutal, aching heart. 

Why has love always hurt so bad?

"I'm sorry..."

Shouyou hummed amusedly almost immediately like he expected the response, like he knew exactly what every part of those 2 simple words meant. 

"I rather you say 'you're welcome.'"

Tobio's head snapped up, thankfully the tears had started evaporating before they spilled, "huh?"

The other shifted around, patting down and straightening the sheets covering his lap. He smiled gently, rather than those wide smiles that split so instantly. There came moments like this sometimes and usually Tobio would've been a little flustered. Now it just looked sorrowful. 

"Pity doesn't fit you."

Maybe he could read his thoughts. Maybe it's how Tobio was acting. Somehow, Tobio knew Shouyou hadn't taken his sorry as a rejection at all. That's just how they were, they just knew. In the same fashion, he knew Shouyou had come to the very same realization he had.

They both knew that no matter what, this love was formed from loneliness and dependency. They both knew this was a bad thing, a love that could only hurt. At the same time, they knew that despite that, love must go on.

Cause once you grow attached, why would you want to let go? 

Any normal person would've probably said, 'to spare myself the damage.'

'What good will come out of it?'

'Isn't it better to let pain go?'

And maybe they were right too, but there was no way in hell that Hinata Shouyou and Kageyama Tobio would let each other go willingly.

Just looking into Shouyou's eyes, he knew that they were synchronized at the hearts, meant to be here at the same time.

'Someone stronger will come and find you.'

And yes, indeed, they'd found him.

Why must this begin when everything will end? 

It's true, he thought to himself. He had been thinking how pitiful and cruel Shouyou's reality is. And it was, it really fucking was.

'Don't treat me differently.'

He did his best to return a smile, though it was probably crooked and scary.

"Okay...you're very welcome to have met me," came his awkward response.

Shouyou, despite the tense atmosphere, cheered, "that's more like it!"

He couldn't do much to raise his arms above his head but he tried regardless, failing of course but at least his hands reached his shoulders.

"Y'know, Tobio..."

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to visit them...just one last time while I was here."

"...yeah."

-

It'd been quiet after that, just Tobio telling Shouyou about his improvements in volleyball and new food he may have tried recently and everything else that was irrelevant. The entire time, their gazes shifted a lot more than usual. Perhaps the indirect confession was the cause of it for the both of them because it surely was for Tobio, who felt his heart swell only now at the knowledge that Shouyou loves him.

"Thank you."

Tobio cocked his head to the side, "for?"

And Shouyou's beauty shined with his grin, "for always being here."

"Shut up, dumbass."

"Good idea."

-

And at the end of the visiting hours Tobio stood up and made his way towards the door but not before Shouyou weakly grabbed his white sleeve, wincing a little at the speed of which he did so. Fast movement hurt his muscles a lot but before Tobio could nag at him for moving recklessly, the man spoke quickly,

"Can you stay here?"

Tobio looked around the room nervously, "uh...here?"

"Just for tonight?" Shouyou gave him an unsure look.

Tobio frowned, "but visiting-"

And his best friend cut him off with the shake of his head, longish, thinning, orange hair swaying over his forehead, "Hana said it's okay."

After a pause and giving it some thought, Tobio nodded hesitantly and set his bag back down, awkwardly kicking at the floor with his feet once the boy let his sleeve go.

"Alright then…" An awkward pause, then, "where do I…?"

Shouyou lied down on his bed from his sitting position, mumbling something incoherently. Tobio raised an eyebrow and frowned deeper.

"What?"

And he mumbled again.

Tobio leaned in closer, a sour look taking over his features when he did his best to focus his ears in on what the man was saying, "what was that?"

Shouyou, despite being so weak now, successfully pulled Tobio down by the front of his thin white sweater, causing the younger male to yelp and land face first over him. He was about to get angry before the deja vu hit him and rather than angry he felt like laughing and pushing Shouyou's head rather than screwing it off. Yeah, even if he loved him he'd fight him at multiple points.

"You dickhead, you did it again!"

Shouyou's wide smile came with a light, hoarse laugh, "so you remember?"

Tobio sighed, "yeah, no shit. Are you sure, though?"

"Yeah," the other nodded and patted Tobio's back as he shifted around to the side of the bed. "just mind the wires."

"Right."

He laid so, so close to Shouyou but they did not hold each other. It was hard with all the wires and he'd rather be touch starved than hurt him. So instead they faced each other at an eye level, Shouyou turning onto his side as well as Tobio who laid on the other. Before he could get lost in the honey eyes, Shouyou smirked.

"Do I have to ask?"

Immediately, Tobio knew what he wanted. "hmpf, no."

So he reached over and pulled his phone from his pocket, playing the song he knows Shouyou loves. He didn't have to ask, he knew it wasn't Spectre. How? Just because this scene was a little familiar.

So Mundo played softly on it's lowest volume, it's guitar filling their ears and feeding into their nostalgia. Right now, it didn't matter that Shouyou was dying(of course it fucking mattered but really, they could go a couple minutes without thinking about it.)

What mattered is how badly Tobio wanted to take Shouyou out, or vice versa, and play this on the dark highways and in the bright fields, buying food and running to the apartment. What mattered is Shouyou, for just right now, looked like he could do all of it.

Dark blue eyes stared into Shouyou's golden, star-filled ones despite them being indoors. They did their best to match their breathing and Tobio was the one who shuddered at the realization of today, just how much was left unsaid between the two men.

It was just like the night he looked at the universe for the first time. 

Shouyou's eyes glistened though not from tears and his lips quirked up to the lightest of smiles. The soft shade of pink could be seen more than ever now, his pale skin contrasting dramatically. Orange locks of hair rested gently, swooping sideways as Tobio pushed it out of his eyes, slowly though as he tested how the other feels. Shouyou seemed to be alright with it if the darkening shade of pink told him anything. 

Regardless, he asked, "is that alright?"

Shouyou nodded.

Hesitantly though with a surge of new found courage, Tobio's fingers met the gloved hand just beside him. Gently, he wrapped the hand with his own and brought it up to his face. He pushed the garment down with slightly shaky hands, nervousness pooling in his stomach and burning like lava, revealing just Shouyou's knuckles. He waited for just a second to listen to the singer's voice, just for a second to see Shouyou's reaction. The boy's mouth had slightly parted, his bright but tired eyes awaiting, and he took it as an invitation to place a soft kiss onto a knuckle.

"Is...is that alright?" He could feel his own cheeks heat up, probably matching Shouyou's. 

For so, so long he'd wanted to do something like that.

'Please don't say I've messed up,' the silent plea replayed in his head over and over as if it was a broken record. He'd rather disappear forever than ruin anything they had just because of an impulse. Well, a well thought out impulse? There definitely had been more time to think than he made out to be in his head. Sure, he knew that Shouyou feels the same way as he, but it's not like he was quite used to that at all. 

To his pleasure, Shouyou hummed happily and nuzzled his face into the pillow, laughing lightly before looking back to Tobio. And god, despite everything that had happened and was to happen, Tobio felt a giddiness he couldn't explain. This man, the one with the stupidly bright hair and stupidly wide smile was his everything.

Being at an eye level proved to be extremely comfortable as he shifted a little closer and rested their foreheads together. Of course, not without his mouth twitching up and down, unsure of whether to smile or pretend this was nothing. Nothing was also the tingling sensation in his stomach and hands.

"Goodnight," Tobio quickly whispered in the dark as he reluctantly let go of the man's hand and let it fall back.

And softly, Shouyou hummed, "niiiiight."

Right before Tobio could fall asleep to the sound of his love's heartbeat minutes later, he could feel those soft glove covered fingers on top of his own. Gently, the garment was pulled down over his own knuckles, a breath lingering just above it. Through his daze, he saw Shouyou sleepily press a feather-light kiss on one of the knuckles.

"It's alright," Shouyou mumbled sleepily with that lazy smirk of his, "isn't it?"

Tobio prayed he'd remember this moment in the morning because the last thing he recalls doing before his slumber is smiling his rare smile,

"Of course."


	13. stay here

Snow had all melted by the time April finally came and Tobio couldn't be more grateful. The rooftop was much warmer without the snow, obviously, and he could actually sit without worrying about the wetness that'd be left on his sweats.

He huffed out cold air, watching the smoke like visual contrast with the night sky. No stars were out tonight to his inconvenience, after all, there wasn't that much of a scenery without them. It's not that stars were this fixation of his where he absolutely needed to see them to be happy, no. It's just that the world looked much more vast when there was something to look at above and below.

He supposed the sky itself was something, the clouds and the occasional planes and helicopters passing by. Despite that, he guessed he preferred to see some light in the darkness that wasn't artificial.

Tobio leaned back on his palms as he swung his legs off the ledge of the roof, sighing and letting his head lull backwards. He'd visited Shouyou today like always, and like always the occasion stressed him to no ends.

There was good, of course. Since the two of them had kissed each other's hands that day in silent claim of belonging to each other, similar instances have occurred. They'd still tease each other of course, however best Shouyou could do so with his small usage of vocabulary, and they would still have their silences and exaggerated, annoyed sighs with each other. 

At the same time they'd gotten far more affectionate, holding hands more often than not and placing kisses on each other's knuckles.(usually Tobio doing so.)

It wasn't a relationship really, that wouldn't work with their reality. But it was fine. Fine because that was their only option, fine because it had to be, fine because Tobio wouldn't dare be greedy about something like this.

Shouyou's condition had worsened majorly. No longer did he speak like he usually would with his overuse of onomatopoeia and exaggerated actions accompanied with a loud, certain voice. No longer could he smile his wide smile.

If you asked Tobio, Shouyou was but a shell of himself. He still loved him to death and would do everything and anything, but the man had deteriorated quickly.

Shouyou's small build allowed his weight to drop dangerously lower, reaching the high 70's, around 79 pounds. His cold hands had gotten dry, only the dark blue gloves there to protect his skin from breaking against the rough fabric of the hospital sheets. Tobio took it upon himself to rub hand scream onto the man's hands for him as Shouyou got easily tired when doing repetitive movements.

Watching him was like watching a corpse slowly fade. He knew that his time was up soon, that soon the stars would not shine the same and the sun would dim forever. 

He knew there wasn't any hope when Shouyou's hallucinations got just a twinge worse from his quick degeneration.

"There...there…" Shouyou would whisper in his rasp everyday voice, hand twitching just a little and his eyes shutting tight to hide the tears. Hearing this, Tobio would in turn hold his hand with both of his own in an attempt to bring him out of it, whispering he's okay and there's nothing there.

Another time Shouyou would stare in horror at nothing in particular, voice shaky and hands clammy, "they're here…"

It successfully sent shivers down the ravens spine anytime he'd way something creepy like that with those widened, bruised eyes of his. 

And still, through the goosebumps and racing heart, his stable hands would meet the smaller, trembling ones and guide him to come back eventually, whispering,

"I'm here."

Just sometimes, Shouyou would smile with the hallucinations playing games on his mind. Maybe he'd point at the ceiling as best as he could, or maybe he'd rock his head back and forth with a grin at his lips.

"Higher…" he'd whisper. "Higher!...Up…"

Tobio wouldn't have a clue what he meant, why it made him smile, just what he was even grinning at. It didn't quite matter to him if he understood it or not though, because for once Shouyou would smile with his weak muscles and find it in himself to return to a state that once came naturally. 

Those were the times Tobio wouldn't hold his hand, instead he'd let the man relish in the feeling of temporary happiness.

The doctor told him patients who are terminally ill will often lose their usual personality and quirks before their end, they'd be a lot more grumpy and unmotivated. 

Shouyou had become more empty like the doctor said would happen, the few words he'd try to utter every now and then would consist of either gratitude, an image in his head, or a request for something more to keep him warm. 

No longer did their visits consist of loud laughter and majorly stupid arguments and exchange of days. Now, Tobio told him the few details of his day that he could get out, the updates on volleyball and how he was going to get signed to an official league by the next 4 months. Shouyou would smile the most at those kinds of stories.

At the end of today's visit, the nurse, Erika, had informed Tobio of his inheritance of the Hinata family's money. Though Tobio at first declined, Erika stated that it was Shouyou's final decision to give it all to Tobio who he thought would put good use to it. Reluctantly, but with an idea in mind, Tobio accepted even if rejection would not be considered.

He remembered the slight money problems his family endured, how it was hard for his parents to raise two children for reasons he didn't understand back then. Maybe if he kept in contact they could use the extra money.

But Tobio sighed again and scratched that thought, his family was no longer a part of his life so why should he care? They could deal with it on their own, they don't need him, and he doesn't need them. At least, he likes to think that he never needed them at all.

It's hard to hate your parents but he didn't love them either, everything up until now had left a bitter taste in his mouth and he wasn't exactly ready to forgive his father just from that lousy apology he gave to him at 3 am months ago. 

Since that time he hasn't spoken to anyone in his family, not his mother, not his father, not Miwa.

Miwa...it's been a long time. So long that he barely remembers what she looked like the last time they met each other, or what she sounded like the last time they spoke over the phone. It seems that she, too, wasn't someone he could speak to.

To this day there's been nobody he could be with but Shouyou and he guessed it was sort of his fault. The trauma from elementary to middle school days still hurt as long as it was, the feeling of blood on Tobio's face still sent shivers down his spine and made him want to throw up. 

The laughter would echo in his ears, the feeling of being pushed in that rotting corpse lingering with him for a prolonged time every now and then. It's true he'd been over it for the most part but that doesn't mean he'd forgotten it.

At that time he had his grandfather by his side to comfort him and erase the pain, soothe his mind, be there with him. Memories that once healed his pain now caused it, though.

Remembering the old man's face was hard and not because it's been too long to recall.

The first time Shouyou had a seizure paralyzed him. The boy's frail shaking body on the ground sent him far, far back to a time in his past. His grandfather, too, had been in such a state, just less shaking.

'Grandfather!' Tobio kicked off his shoes and skipped past the living room with his bag still in hand, smiling excitedly. 'you won't believe what we learned today!'

The silence of the house wasn't quite unusual, no one was ever home too often except for Tobio, Miwa, and their grandfather, but the darkness came as a surprise. His grandfather always, always kept the lights on.

'Grandfather?' Tobio called out again, setting his bag down on the couch and leaping about the house in search of the old man.

'Grandddddfatherrrr!' He checked his grandfather's room to no avail. Maybe he'd gone to the store? But there was no note lying around anywhere.

When he reached the upstairs washroom he froze in his tracks.

'GRANDFATHER!!!'

On the cold tiled floor his grandfather laid with a pool of blood surrounding his head. His body was unmoving, only the sounds of harsh breathing echoing in the room.

And Tobio stood there frozen in his spot with his jaw open so wide it hurt, his eyes bulging out his head and his own breathing barely audible.

He was underwater, he was drowning, he had to be!

'Grand…father…'

The blood, from what Tobio could see through tearfilled eyes, wasn't spreading but his grandfather remained still, groaning incoherently. The pounding in Tobio's ears mixed with the sound of the a/c which was getting increasingly louder, or maybe that was his breath? He couldn't tell anymore.

His hands began to shake, he could tell that, and the chills down his spine made his knees wheel as he fell towards the floor landing onto his palms, wheezing out. His eyes never moved from his favourite person in the world.

'Move,' a voice in his head pounded in his ears.

'Help him!'

'Do something!' 

It seemed that Tobio was still awful at listening, he still couldn't pick himself up and do something- anything! Nothing…

'Tobio?' He could hear a girl calling his voice, a familiar voice lacing with worry. He didn't turn.

'Tobio?'

'Grandfather?'

'To-'

Tobio could hear the girl stop in her tracks but his eyes still fixated on the body. Why?

Why can't he move?

'GRANDFATHER!' The girl screeched and the sound of a bag hitting the floor echoed in Tobio's ears. Tears started to fall heavily over his cheeks, or maybe they weren't falling at all. He couldn't feel anything.

In front of him now sat his sister, Miwa, clutching onto the old man on the floor like a lifeline. Tobio's shaky vision only allowed him to see the panic on her face, the blood on her hands, the head on her lap. Through the muffled hearing, the girl seemed to be yelling.

Like an aquarium, or maybe the pits of hell with it's fire, Tobio could only hear the inside of his own ears. His vision darkened quickly, gasps and deep inhales rattling his body. 

He was drowning.

'I...don't want him to die…'

'TOBIO!' Miwa screamed as she sobbed. He could only hear a little of what she said. 'TOBIO GET THE-THE PHONE!!!'

He stayed put.

'TOBIO!!!'

No…

'WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!'

He can't...just watch…

'DO YOU WANT HIM TO DIE?!'

The little boy finally snapped his head up, his hearing coming back just a little more.

'TOBIO, DO SOMETHING!!'

And that's when he gasped like someone had punched him right in his lung, and he sprung up and ran like never before.

He couldn't remember much after that, just the fact he had called the police and then passed out according to his sister. She apologized for yelling at him like that but it hadn't made a difference at all. His Grandfather would be in the hospital for 2 months until his last dying breath.

Tobio was still completely useless in that situation.

Thinking of it was quite haunting and even now Tobio's breath shuddered in the April wind, his shoulders tensing all the way up to his ears.

That's the part he hated, remembering any of that. And remembering any of it came often, seeing Shouyou in that fucking hospital bed, that reminded him far too often just what tragedy struck in middle school.

Tobio stood up abruptly, jumping off the rail onto the concrete of the roof and speed walking with his hands shoved into his pockets. 

Great, the thought laughed at him, now he'd probably get nightmares.

Once inside the empty, cold apartment, he participated in that nightly routine of his before slipping into his empty, cold bed.

If it was his choice, Shouyou would be right there for him.

So that night had been quite lonely when he settled down and realised that there's no Shouyou to hold in this bed. No head of orange hair for him to wake up to under his check or on his chest, no frail limbs sprawled over him like a blanket, no drool on his shoulder.

It didn't stop him from imagining the male was right there though, and it didn't stop him from hugging a cold pillow and picturing for just- no, like every night. Like every night, he'd imagine that the boy was right there in his arms whispering, "I'm here."

-

May had been a happy month last year, one where Shouyou and Tobio spent it together in that small apartment on the 5th floor. Bright green fields filled with little yellow petals, the heat of a springs sun shining down on the mountains around, long car rides with effortless laughter and banter. That month by itself had probably been the best of Tobio's life, and that was shocking as it had absolutely zero volleyball involved.

Shouyou is more important than volleyball, though. It shouldn't really be all that surprising.

The May that greeted them now contrasted greatly to it's previous beautiful self, showing Tobio it's bright parts once more but with a different intent in it's little spring mind. It had been a happy month, but it couldn't stay that way every year afterall, everything changes. Tobio should be used to that already.

And yet, he found himself in Shouyou's little hospital room again, reminiscing everything that has changed and will continue to change. Life doesn't stop for anything or anyone. Always, always, always moving on and on and away.

Shouyou had lost most of his speaking ability now, rarely croaking out some short words and sentences between fits of coughing and wheezes. It had changed too much, their speaking dynamic. Now it was Tobio who spoke too much, too loud, too often, and about far too much. A big yellow-gloved hand would hold a tiny blue-gloved one, squeezing over and over as a story was told by Tobio during every visit, doing his best to hide the tears in his eyes at the sight of his universe on the bed that had become too big for his body.

Shouyou couldn't eat at all at this point, relying on a feeding tube to keep him alive. The cold of his body couldn't be helped anymore, not a single sweater, jacket, extra pair of pants, hat, or socks could help him anymore. Not even those blue gloves.

To say he was completely immobile wouldn't be an understatement. It happened quietly, quickly. One day Shouyou could hold Tobio's hand, swing it back and forth, kiss the knuckles, kiss the palm, intertwine their fingers and squeeze tightly, and then one day he couldn't.

It's only Tobio now.

"I don't like seeing you like this."

The raven's eyes watered instantly at his own words, voice shaking despite his will to push it all back and stop making it about him. He's not the dying one. He's not the suffering one.

But it hurts so much.

"My grandfather had acute leukemia. So it's hard seeing you like this...I...I'm seeing it happen again."

It'd been an impulse to say that too, it's not like he particularly wanted to talk about that experience with anyone, not even his best friend. Yet, once he found himself in this slowly-building emotional situation, the trauma came out like a waterfall.

Maybe it's the fear of Shouyou leaving too soon, maybe it's the fear of never speaking to him after today, Tobio had no clue what it was but something, just something told him it's now or never to tell him everything.

It hadn't been a secret he wanted to keep desperately, he realised that now. No, his grandfather and the experience that came from his illness had been waiting to be spilled to the right person.

Who else but the sun, the stars, and the entire universe could be the one to hear it?

"Tobio..." Shouyou's hoarse voice was no louder than a low wheeze, his closed, bruised eyes twitching a little at the sound of Tobio's voice. 

"I'm scared for you," the setter grit his teeth once again and his voice quieted but only a little bit, all fear and sorrow seeped into his words.

The orange haired boy on the bed had been there just a second ago. Just a second ago, he called out Tobio's name like he usually would.

Why was his grandfather there?

Tobio slapped his face with both eyes, throwing his head back and rubbing furiously at his eyes. First Shouyou got the hallucinations and now it was him, which one of them was fucking sick? Was it really just one?

"Dammit," he whimpered to himself, his chest tightening as that fucking image of his once favourite person in the world wouldn't fucking go away.

"Yama…"

He didn't look up, paying no mind to the hoarse voice and shutting his eyes as he threw his head back, letting out a pathetic whine in the process. His entire body felt numb, even his hands which were wiping his eyes although no tears seemed to fall- were they? Were his hands even doing that? Were they even moving? Were they even there?

His breathing would've been easier to handle if he was even doing that, it didn't even feel like that with the huge lump in his throat and even bigger hole in his heart. 

Why the fuck is he here?

It felt like an hour when it had only been 5 minutes later when he calmed down, his head still in his hands as his breathing seemed to finally work and the pounding in his head ceased along with his stupid, stupid whimpering.

His next sentence came out pathetically hoarse, "I'm sorry…" 

And when Tobio looked up, the old man was thankfully gone. Unfortunately, Shouyou's body seemed even weaker when you look at it for the first time after being blinded. 

Uncharacteristically, the younger male brought his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs, resting his head on top and shuddering at the cold of the room. Or maybe not the room.

Silence loomed over them like usual, only the sounds of Shouyou's heart monitor and Tobio's breathing audible. The redheads lungs had become so weak you could just barely hear him if you strained an ear.

How painful it was to know someone like Hinata Shouyou was in such merciless pain.

"I...I'm so scared for you."

"Are you listening?"

Shouyou's closed eyes twitched at that, just a small indication that he could still hear. 

Fuck, Tobio thought. When...just when did this happen? When did his bright Shouyou get reduced to this shell of a human, it's only functions being twitching and hoarse whispers? When? Why? How?

A speech had never been planned for today, there wasn't a particular reason for it after all. Yet, if Tobio didn't do it now right after his stupid, short-yet-far-too-long-breakdown in front of his friend, he wouldn't find courage or time to say anything he wanted to ever again.

Maybe just for today he could be selfish. Just for one day. He cleared his throat and slowly began, still unsure.

"I'm awful with words, but you already know that. Somehow you just always know everything about me."

"And it pissed me off to think that…that was happening. Suddenly someone just knew me, someone was actually here. I didn't trust you...at the same time I wanted to. You have no clue how much I wanted to. I didn't realize at the time but it's not that you..barged into my life without a warning." 

Tobio took a moment to breathe, just breathe and take in his surroundings to avoid another panic of some sort. He could see the old white curtains were drawn, revealing just 2 rays of light on the empty side of the room. The rest of the area, however, remained quite dark as Shouyou became sensitive to light.

It's funny, how the brightest light, the brightest star, the brightest sun, and the brightest universe couldn't tolerate It's own energy anymore.

The very sun that barged into Tobio's life.

"I let you."

He hung his head low, not daring to look up at Shouyou from his seat just beside the bed. So, so many thoughts pooled in his head and he bit his lip, hard, almost tasting blood as the nerves around his heart tightened once more and tears threatened to spill over. He was acting like such a crybaby it was humiliating and he attempted to hold back those tears of...well...pent up pain.

"I was so lonely, you know that?" Tobio coughed, gloved hands remaining stiff on his lap. "I was so fucking alone my entire life. You...you were the first person to...to not abandon me."

And that's all Tobio's known, abandonment.

Mother,

Father,

Kazuo, 

Miwa,

Grandfather.

No one ever, ever stayed. Everyone was always, always going away far, far out of Tobio's reach.

It's not fair that one day, Shouyou would do quite the same.

But that didn't matter right now, because Shouhou had given Kageyama Tobio the unthinkable and it'd be a disgrace to blame him.

Happiness, that's what he gave him.

"I'm so glad we met," Tobio looked up then, taking in the still closed eyes of his eternal lover, how a single tear seemed to escape an eye. Carefully, Tobio intertwined their fingers with one hand and wiped that stray tear with a thumb, gently brushing over the cheek as if the man was porcelain. 

"B-because of you, I...I started smiling. I started volleyball again...I feel alive."

"I felt happy for once in my life."

Another one of his breaths shuddered at the sad, sad sight of Shouyou barely responding to a word he said. The tiny squeezes of his hand were enough to tell him he was listening, but not enough to help this situation.

Tobio's next words came out, choked and rushed, now both his hands holding tightly onto the frail boney one in between them. He knew Shouyou could feel him begin to shake.

"It's hurting me. I-it's hurting me to see you here. It's hurting me that you're not going everywhere like you wanted..."

Had he ever sounded so pathetic? Had he ever sounded so weak?

Perhaps, this had been a similar position Tobio found himself in long ago when he had still been a kid in middle school.

It seems it'd be forever that Shouyou would make him feel like a child all over again.

"I want you to go to Miyagi with me again," Tobio's voice shook and he brought that skeleton hand up to his forehead, the fuz of the glove being barely registered as he spilled all his feelings, thoughts, and wishes to the man who made this world that much more bearable. "I want to spend another birthday with you... I-I don't want to sleep without you again."

Again, he had to bite his lip and squeeze his eyes tight. God, it hurt so fucking bad seeing Shouyou here.

Beautiful, beautiful Shouyou was dying and all Tobio could do was wait and wait uselessly by his side til the end of his deterioration. 

Nothing has changed.

"So just...just keep fucking fighting! Just keep going. If not for me, then for yourself!"

Shouyou admitted to completely giving up the fight, the battle for his own life a while ago. But now, there's no way the redhead should do anything but push and push and push through this torturous life of his.

Someone special like him deserved to shine forever more.

Still, no response came from the Shouyou who hadn't even been squeezing his hand anymore. The ragged breaths let out from the man should've been Tobio happy to see that at least he could still do.

But why the fuck should it? Why should he be happy for the bare minimum when Hinata Shouyou should be doing everything, going everywhere like he wanted to? Shouyou should be happy and able to do what he wants, not be bound to a bed like a caged crow. 

Why was Tobio the one here?

Why weren't his friends here?

Why was Shouyou so alone in the end?

"I'm the only person seeing you off now," the raven voiced those thoughts, dropping the hand that's been touching his forehead and scoffing at the closed curtain. It's like his emotions were travelling at full speed today, unable to decide how to even speak to Shouyou anymore.

Well, that'd been the case for longer than he thinks.

"Aren't you mad? Why haven't you yelled? Cried? Lashed out? Don't you fucking regret that it's me?!"

Time moved slowly and the silence dragged on, mocking Tobio at his hopes of Shouyou saying anything more than he did.

Before he could get up in frustration and storm out before those stinging tears fell like a waterfall, the tiny voice croaked out hoarse words.

"Why would...I...regret anything?"

And Tobio scanned his face, watching how Shouyou fluttered his eyes open although they shook as he squinted. The little creases around those eyelids could tell anybody that it's hard to keep them open, hard to face the harsh light despite the sun being hidden and the lamps turned off. 

Tobio's eyebrows creased with a frown, his hand letting go of the smaller completely, and stupidly, "huh?"

A long, shuddering inhale seemed to hurt Shouyou as his eyes shut tightly and his chest rose higher than usual. On instinct, Tobio took hold of him once more to give him the little support he could.

"What's…" a weak cough came from the barely recognizable male. "...there to re...regret.

I met you."

Tobio clenched his jaw, tears just on the brim of finally falling and breaking his composure.

"Shouyou..."

"Why…" Shouyou's tired golden eyes shined, just for a second reminding Tobio of his old self.

"Would I regret...something so...special?" 

If it was possible, Tobio's eyes pooled even more, his chest clenching in both pain and a bitter happiness.

It didn't last that way for long.

"I can't do this...anymore..."

Words that Tobio wished he never had to hear had been spoken to him, in the tiniest, questiest, weakest voice that'd ever left the man before him.

He gasped loudly, eyes shooting so far open that the tears finally fell.

It couldn't be...

"Sh…Shou?" And there was his own tiniest, quietest, weakest voice.

The slightest, slightest upturn of lips was evident on Shouyou's pale face as his hand, one that Tobio now had a death grip on, twitched 4 times. For a moment, a familiar glint sparkled in those honey brown eyes.

"Natsu…"

No…

Tobio slowly shook his head, his hold on Shouyou loosening with each shaky breath the other took like it was drawing them apart.

"W-what was that...just now?"

He didn't just...say what he thinks he said…

There's…

There's no way...

"Mom…" Tears filled Shouyou's barely open eyes, the small smile on his face brightening as if looking at the best place on earth. He didn't even seem to remember that Tobio was right there. "Dad...Natsu…"

Tobio gasped again, his head now violently shaking as he whimpered at the just barely awake man.

It dawned on him that this was it.

He dropped to his knees from his seat as a violent sob finally ripped out of too-dry throat.

"Don't do this to me! Don't go!" He clung onto Shouyou's just barely moving hands tighter than ever before, face screwed up as his lip quivered and vision blurred. 

"Why are you leaving?! Why are you going, too?!"

His sobs racked his body like never before, a similar fashion to when his poor old grandfather passed and yet this time it hurt even more.

Fuck, it hurt.

'Don't leave me…'

He couldn't see Shouyou anymore, not with the tears blocking all his vision and the violent shaking of his body blurring everything around him that much more. He could hear him though, just a little, "Tobi…"

It wasn't supposed to be like this...it wasn't supposed to end like this!

"Just get better already!" He yelled out as wet sobs escaped at once. "J-just stand! We can go everywhere! Isn't that what you wanted?! L-let's go, Shouyou!"

He rock back and forth pathetically, clinging onto the yellow gloved hand with his own blue ones, nervously laughing as the tears hit his arms. His voice was uncharacteristically loud but he couldn't care less if anyone heard him anymore.

"W-We can go for st-stupidly long car rides! You can draw! You-you'd like that, right?!" 

"Just get better already! Just stand up and we can go everywhere! We can race again! We can go for st-stupidly long car rides and-and you can continue drawing!" His brain couldn't even process that he had said the same thing.

Shouyou seemed to come back to it, though Tobio still couldn't see, and whispered, "I'm...s-sorry…"

"Stop!" It only made Tobio cry harder as his chest seemed to cave in on himself, feeling his shoulders tense all the way up to his ears. "Just stop it already! What am I- what am I going to do without you?!"

And the answer was clear. It always was, always will be. 

Tobio couldn't do anything without him anymore. 

"Okay…" Came the hoarse whisper again, hurting Tobio with its failed assurance. He shook his head again, hair flying all over and sticking to his cheeks from the tears. 

What a mess this all was...

"No! No, I won't be! No matter what you s-say, I won't be! I have no one but you! Don't you know that I love you?!"

He finally said it.

"I-I fucking love you!"

Those words that had never once been uttered between them had finally been said. For when they would hold each other in their slumber, for when they ate together, for when they drove together, for when they lied together in a field and looked into each other like they were the universe.

Those words should've been said a long, long time ago.

Shouyou didn't reply. Tobio could hear the heart monitor slow down.

Tobio didn't think he could be in any more pain that he already was but the sob that ripped through his chest and throat had him wailing the next second, clutching at the bedsheets now.

"Don't do this! Don't go!" 

"Stay!" He coughed, snot running down his nose and salty tears on his lips. "Shouyou...please stay..." he choked out, lowering his forehead on the bed as silent sobs froze his entire body.

It was like being choked.

Shouyou's teeth clattered violently.

Tobio gasped, a whine and another wail leaving him as he scrambled for his most important person's hand and locking their fingers so tightly he was afraid he could break the smaller person.

Despite the tears, he could see Shouyou's eyes flutter closed and instantly, Tobio was filled with complete and utter dread.

"Stop it! Open your eyes! Shouyou! Hey! Shou! Wait! Not yet!"

Each word was louder and louder than the last, more desperate, more raw and pain-filled. The hole in his heart that had slowly been healed by this beautiful human was being ripped open again by that very person, by their very own fate.

Shouyou whined, his eyes twitching a little more than usual.

"Hurts."

In denial of any of this happening, Tobio leaned over the bed and wrapped his arm around the much smaller, underweight man and gently laid his head on the boney shoulder, knees still on the floor and most likely bruised from how hard he hit the floor. Shouyou, somehow, didn't seem to feel the pain from being moved around so easily, or maybe he just didn't show the pain.

Up till now, he hadn't ever said it hurts to feel any of this.

Shouyou had cried, he'd said he wanted more time, but he didn't tell Tobio he wanted to go because it hurts.

Tobio couldn't even think about it, not logically, and his entire body shook as he held Shouyou's body close to his, still careful of the wires but completely ignoring everything else.

"Open your eyes! Please please please open your fucking eyes!"

His cries were muffled by the shoulder but once he looked back up and saw that there was no evidence of Shouyou's eyes opening any time soon, he shut his own eyes and shook that little body of his best friends.

"Stop it! Don't- no- please don't go!"

Please...please don't leave, too...

Shouyou just barely whispered, "...cold."

Like a broken record, Tobio didn't accept that and pushed back the red hair off his everything's face, hand trembling and lip quivering like never before.

"Just-just tell me where you want to go!"

Another wail, another desperate attempt at keeping Hinata Shouyou here.

"Where do you wanna go, shouyou?! W-we can go away! Just tell me where! Wherever you want! C-come on! What-what about your manga?!"

Those attempts were proven to be futile when the boy simply wouldn't reply anymore. With a gasp, Tobio quickly checked if he was even breathing and he was, as the monitor could tell him but nothing else could indicate it. His heart beat slowly, so slowly. When he pulled the glove down by just a tiny bit and felt Shouyou's pulse with trembling hands, it was barely even there. 

"Shou...hey, hey Shouyou...why aren't you saying anything..?"

The man only gave a harsher breath than the others, not a single part of his body moving.

It finally struck him.

With wide eyes, it finally hit him.

This was it.

Tobio's sobs stopped, his wailing halted, but his tears continued to stream down his extremely exhausted and sensitive eyes. 

His voice shook when he spoke.

"It hurts...right?"

The soft exhale was the most dreadful, agonizing response he wished he never received.

"A-are you waiting?"

And when once more, that soft exhale was his only answer, the guilt filled him to the brim.

Shouyou had stayed strong for years, fighting this illness to the very end. He wrote his manga even if it was unfinished, he made Tobio his main character, he stayed at his apartment, he was there for Tobio for everything, and he was sick the entire time.

The man who made Miyagi beautiful, the man who lit up the night sky more than Tokyo ever could, the man that could make somebody like Kageyama Tobio feel special.

The man who sat in this hospital bed for months endlessly, going nowhere, wanting to go everywhere. The man who couldn't eat, sit, or walk.

The man who held onto his last dying breaths just because Tobio couldn't let him go, couldn't free him of this sorry excuse of a good fucking life that should've been guaranteed to somebody like Shouyou.

"I'm sorry," Tobio sobbed once more though much lightly than before. "I'm so sorry…"

He carefully pulled down his blue gloves with trembling fingers, moving onto the yellow ones once he was done.

And with a shake in his entire body, he touched those cold, pale, boney hands and almost immediately began wailing again, a loud cry ripping through him although he willed his voice to be softer when he said,

"I don't wanna hurt you…"

Gentler than ever, more loving than ever, and for the last time, he kissed those knuckles that had touched his lips so many times before.

"I'm here…" Tobio whispered as the monitor slowed.

And agonizingly, the monitor stopped.

"I'm always here…"

For the second time in Tobio's life, the sound of the loud monotonous flatline brought peace to his most beloved.

-

He was still crying, he knew that, but…

What was he doing?

-

He could hear a door slam open.

"Kageyama-san! You have to let him go!"

Hands pried at him, pulling at his entire body as he himself remained in a pool of black.

It was only when he was almost fully pulled off did he finally see and realised he had an iron grip on Shouyou's cold hand. A grip on that cold, greying, dead hand. 

-

Underwater, he was underwater again.

Somehow there wasn't much of a fight he could put up and he let go one last time.

The lights turned brighter, flashing on and off over and over again, repeatedly blasting their noise in his ears.

-

"Why...why are you doing that?!"

"Doing what, Kageyama-san?"

"T-the lights…"

-

Maybe it was minutes, maybe it was hours, but it was only later that he found his vision brighten, harsh angry white light attacking his eyes. If he moved hands a little he could feel the rough fabric of a hospital blanket and if he looked down he'd see exactly that. He knew he would, but finding the energy to move was too exhausting.

The light irritated him. He hated that light. And it was then he remembered his favourite.

He'd rather cry. He'd rather sob. Scream. Kick. Kill. He'd rather experience anything else than the dead set heavy weight on his chest that crushed his ribs and pierced the organ that caused him this pain.

Maybe it was revenge for letting someone in to begin with.

The tears couldn't come anymore, they just couldn't.

"Tobio…" 

It took a second to process but he recognized the quiet voice. If he turned his head, he knew he'd see a bleach blonde male sitting at his side. That simple movement, the very thought of it, hurt more than anything. So he opted to stay still, staring up at the pale ceiling with the stains.

"I'm sorry," Kenma cried, his muffled voice and sniffling pounded in Tobio's ears. 

It hurts.

Kageyama felt like he was falling.

"It wasn't enough..." 

And seconds later, the other man coughed out, "what?" 

But maybe, maybe there were tears to shed. Because Tobio's breath wavered, his throat opening and closing as his pillow soaked instantly behind his head, salty tears racing out of his eyes as he squeaked out pathetically, 

"I wanted more time." 

How cruel it was to know that til the very end, greed still prevailed.


	14. you are a memory

'Shouyou...wanted you to read it…'

Kenma had said those words to Tobio a week after the funeral for their mutual friend.

That was 2 months ago.

In that time, Tobio found that he could feel nothing again.

He didn't know how to feel about that, he couldn't.

But,

He didn't have to cry now, it didn't hurt.

It didn't hurt.

-

It hurt.

-

It hurt a lot.

-

It hurt more than anything he has ever experienced.

At first, Tobio thought he was the most selfish person in the world for feeling this much worse about the passing of Shouyou than his grandfather, crying and screaming about it more than he'd ever done so for his own family.

At the same time he couldn't even blame himself.

Shouyou had healed him, then, Shouyou's fate had stabbed him at the peak of euphoria.

He was back in Miyagi, back in apartment 525. Back in the little apartment with its peeling walls and plain, boring furniture, it's dull windows. 

Home sweet home...

Shouyou's sweater, Shouyou's bag, Shouyou's gloves, they were here now.

The surprisingly very little things that Shouyou used to own had been moved to the closet in Tobio's apartment. Was it a good idea to keep that stuff here? Where he could see it everyday and be reminded of the cruel fucking reality that is his? Probably not.

On top of that, Tobio really just didn't care anymore. Random articles of clothing laid on his floor for god knows how long, dishes unwashed, windows dusty, bed unmade. It didn't matter anymore, not much did.

It seemed that days were stitched together, never ending and completely useless. A blur, just a sequence of the same routine over and over. 

Tobio wakes up, sits like a pathetic, unsuccessful nobody on his shower floor, eats if he feels like passing out, sits on the lonely sofa with his phone in his hands, and then falls asleep to the numbing, numbing sound of the songs he shared with Shouyou.

A lot has changed.

He didn't even play volleyball anymore.

Regression had its own ways of dealing with grief.

Regression took so much.

-

'It was his last wish.'

Tobio knew that morning that somewhere in one of the cardboard boxes, that little sketchbook of Shouyou's traditionally drawn manga sat there.

So, by 1 AM he finally had the guts to pull it out.

'Just read it.'

'Just get it over with.'

'Just stop hurting already.'

Tobio pulled the black sketchbook out the 3rd box once he reached it, carrying it over to that little brown table.

For some reason, it was harder than he imagined. His breathing sped up a little, his nose clogging.

A panic attack, that's what he learned from the doctors back in tokyo, he was having a panic attack. Or, on the verge of one.

It took a second, a minute, but that ugly ache in his chest finally calmed.

It's just a book.

It's just a manga.

It's nothing.

So, with hands as steady as he could will them to be, he flipped open that black cover.

While Shouyou had drawn in front of him over, and over, and over again, Tobio wondered many times just what the boy could be sketching away at and couldn't figure out what it was from the directions his pencils and pens would scratch.

Many times, he thought that it was a shonen type manga, something with lots of action and humour as Shouyou screamed 'chaos'.

Sometimes, the thought that maybe it was a slice of life romance pulled a laugh out of the raven, just imagining Shouyou writing something cheesy like that would be far too great to witness.

Maybe there had been a reason why he hesitated for so long afterall, because when the first page, bright with marker, revealed itself, the tears in his eyes immediately welled up.

There, this is what he's been waiting for.

The first and only thing Tobio thought when he saw the first picture was, 'that was one talented man.'

The first page seemed to be an official cover of the manga, coloured and inked and everything. On it, the main character stood in the front with his hand out in front of him, an aqua jewel balancing in his palm. He sported a clean white school shirt, regular black pants on. His black hair swayed back from the force of the power coming from his palm, his blue eyes glowing at the iris. It was an exact replica of Kageyama Tobio.

Beside him was a very familiar orange haired companion, a similar glow in his eyes, though it was gold, with similar aqua jewels hanging from the tips of his fingers, like they were dripping. Unlike the other character, this one was wearing a worn out green sweater and had all sorts of bandages over his face. Orange hair, a tiny face, the eyebags too. The character, very obviously based on Hinata Shouyou, had a hand on the lead's shoulder.

Behind them the scenery was quite chaotic, half a night sky with a moon, half a sunrise with the sun, all lined with different types of...greek gods? Tobio couldn't quite recognize what he was looking at but it was beautiful. Many random almost see through figures seemed to be running behind the 2 characters, eyes glowing bright yellow and red, faces peeling like they were burned.

At the bottom, just beneath where Tobio's character stood, read the words, "SORA: Identity!!" It was in bold black letters lined with white and dark blue. 

Tobio couldn't help but smile.

The coloring, the detail, the art style, the angles, just the smoothness of if all was beautiful and stole Tobio's breath away.

Many, many times he's seen Shouyou's drawings. He even taught the other to draw a little, so the raven had seen the mangaka's talent before.

If he thought the man could draw well before, well, this belonged in an art museum.

Hoping Shouyou could somehow hear him, Tobio nodded with a whisper, "you're amazing."

After stalling on the cover for god knows how long(it was just too good to skip past) Tobio finally flipped the page to find the first chapter. 

"Set off!" was the title of the chapter, written at the top with some art of the main character, his hand reaching out to touch something clear. Tobio raised an eyebrow, "oh?"

The first panel showed "him" standing with a school bag, staring ahead at nothing in particular. His hands were in his pockets, a gloomy look on his face. 

"I know," was written in the speech bubble.

"I know I've done something wrong."

The next panel was him walking past a crowd of people, kids smiling and parents on their phones.

"Why else would I be here?"

Tobio cocked his head at the next scene too as it focussed on the soil, then the sky.

"They say you have to do something bad to end up here."

"Really bad."

The main character had now ended up leaning against a wall, his arms crossed and a very annoyed yet grim expression on his face. Tobio suddenly remembered that Shouyou said he thought he was cold and serene the first time. He didn't say anything about looking THAT serious.

"I mean, why else would I be living like this?"

A zoom in on his face was next, his blue eyes being the only coloured part. Tobio felt a shiver go up his spine, briefly looking down and burying his face in his arms to groan. Fucking hell.

When he looked back up, the main character was walking by people again, this time in a subway station. 

"My name is Tsuyoshi Sora. Well, in this life, it is."

Huh? In this life? 

"Everyone wants to find out what they did in their past lives, why and how they got here, what they were sent to do here."

Oh, Tobio nodded, so this universe believed in being reborn? Interesting concept, he almost dropped the book at the next panel on the next page though.

"Many want to find out who their soulmate is or what not. Have I mentioned that part? There's always someone you're connected to, someone you will find."

"Your atoms were torn apart when Gaea formed, when the goddess of the earth created this world. Now, those atoms beg to be together."

A nice starry night sky, one of the few coloured panels, blew Tobio away with its detail and accuracy of a galaxy.

"You'll find each other over, and over, and over. It will never change, surely you'll see them one way or another."

The scene pans to 2 women, both on their knees and staring into each other's glowing eyes, their hands intertwined in absolute happiness.

"When you meet them, you'll feel it. Their eyes would light up with stars, glow like diamonds, and no one would be there to see it but you."

He put down the manga.

Maybe the deities Tobio has prayed to were always listening. Maybe, just maybe he hasn't prayed to no one. Perhaps the outcome he wanted never came, but they were listening. Surely, they heard him and let Shouyou know.

That day. That fucking day when they stared into each others eyes and Tobio could swear he saw the stars light up in that beautiful mans hazel eyes- 

Could it be?

Could it really be that Shouyou...based this...off of that?

Tobio's breath shuddered and it took everything in him to not collapse on himself. His nose seemed to turn numb for a second, a certain panic falling over and suffocating him. 

Thankfully, and quickly, his breathing was able to come back to normal eventually. Something about thinking of Shouyou, the nights they shared, hurt so much he couldn't get enough air at times.

Before Tobio could overthink, he picked up the manga quickly like catching a newspaper from a paperboy. He opened it again after a deep inhale and exhale.

Sora had his arms crossed as he sat at the bench in the subway.

"Well, I don't care about that stuff too much. I've been fine being alone my entire life. I don't need that sort of stuff."

Tobio almost smirked at the familiarity. Almost.

"I've got my own problems."

The scene changed, showing school girls and boys huddled near one of the staircases of the station. Bullies, maybe? Did Shouyou write about him being bullied? Seriously? 

"You see that?"

"Those are Mindhew's. Let me explain some things about this cruel, fucked up world."

Shouyou? Swearing? Sure it was written and it was because SORA said it but...it really almost made Tobio smile.

"Soulmates are crazy enough. But those humans over there? They're not actually there."

The next 3 panels were on the schoolkids zooming in and out. Tobio was so invested already he didn't even process himself leaning into the sketchbook.

"No, those are just illusions. You wanna see? Look."

Sora walked up to them like nobody's business and shot a hand through one of their arms. Sure enough, nothing was truly there. 

"I can't touch them at all. Why are they there?"

"I have no clue."

"All I know is, they make it impossible to track your soulmate until the second you see them, then, you die. They can make you do bad things. They can control you like gods can."

"It's weird. I'm seeing them with my own two eyes, but it's weird because no one else can see them. They can't tell that I'm aware of their presence."

"I call them Mindhew's because someone told me that when i was born. I have no clue how I knew it, heard it, or understood it. from my knowledge, the person who said it wasn't in my room at all." 

Tobio cringed at that, if someone spoke to him inside his head when he was born and he remembered it...well...he'd be grossed out.

"I see what they do though, and they're awful. Just...look."

One of the 'Mindhew's' walked, or more so, glided to a man standing before the train tracks. 

"Talking so loudly on the phone mightbe been what prevented the man from hearing the footsteps behind him, but that'd be the case if the Mindhew's were heard or seen by anyone but me." 

Tobio's eyes widened at the next panels of the middle aged man walking up to another middle aged woman, grabbing her by the waist, and throwing her to the train tracks. His eyes...glowed yellow. The pupil, the whites, everything.

No one else in the train station had any time to process wha happened or help the lady, the subway had crushed her no longer than 5 seconds later.

However…

The man in the next panel snapped out of it and screamed in agony, having seen the woman's eyes and how they glew right before she fell down.

The manga was suddenly in colour, showing the blood on the train tracks and platform.

While everybody else was in panic and shock, running around and screaming, Sora leaned against the wall by the Mindhew's with an indifferent expression.

"My name is Tsuyoshi Sora. I must've been a terrible person. I am in hell."

Tobio closed the manga as he finished the first chapter. 

He doubted him.

Really, Tobio doubted Hinata Shouyou's brilliance.

That was a mistake. Whatever made Shouyou come up with this and draw in such a beautiful art style was truly a miracle. 

At 2 am, the manga finally introduced Shouyou.

"OI!!"

"Eh?"

"HI!"

"Uh...hi..?"

The panels were quite comedic actually, Shouyou perfectly capturing how suddenly he jumped into Tobio's real life and drawing it out for SORA: identity! That was a cool title, Tobio thought, why Identity?

"You see those over there?" 'Shouyou' asked in the manga, pointing at the mindhews. Woah! He could see them?

Sora's eyes almost popped out their sockets, a frantic speech bubble above his head "HE CAN SEE THEM?!"

The speech bubble was a lot calmer, "I...y-yeah I do, how do you?"

"SHHHH!"

Shouyou in the manga pulled him along behind a garbage can (gross?) and pointed at the figures.

"Mindhew's."

"Yeah, howd you-"

"Look."

The red haired character stands then, whistling for the Mindhew's. Both Sora and Tobio gasped as the Mindhew's actually saw 'Shouyou' suddenly shoot at the nearest Mindhew, aqua jewels pouring out from the tips of his fingers.

The fuck?

The other Mindhew's attention shot back to themselves, desperately clawing the jewels to get off of one of them, which were starting to suffocate and cut them, gold oozing out of them.

Sora gaped.

"Come on!"

The scene pans to them running for a while, 'Shouyou' grabbing Sora by the arm and dragging him.

What the hell was even going on? Tobio readjusted in his seat, ignoring the fact his back was stiff.

Sora and the new character stopped at an alley.

"How?!" 

"Hm?"

Sora' stoic expression finally showed shock, wonder.

"NO MATTER WHAT I DO THEY WON'T LOOK AT ME. H-HOW D-DID YOU...DID YOU JUST- DID WE-"

Then, 'Shouyou' slammed a hand over his mouth, shushing him.

"STOP PANICKING. Yes all of that just happened. Can't you do it?"

He removed the hand for Sora to breathe and answer with a very concerned, "no??"

The redhead gaped then, "b-but you can see them!"

"Uh," the panel showed Sora getting uncomfortable, crossing his arms. "Yes."

"Hm...you really can't teleport?"

"No?"

"Breathe underwater?"

"Wtf- no."

"Uhm, can you fly?"

"YOU CAN FLY?"

Tobio almost laughed at the redhead's confident expression. "Very few people can!" 

"What the fuck..."

"Yeah! Anyways, what's your name? age? I'm Hidaki Kenichi! 16 years old!"

Ah, so the name's Kenichi. Finally, he had new names to go off.

"Uhm...Tsuyoshi...Sora...I'm 16."

Sora and Kenichi. Sky, and...healthy one.

Tobio decided it was time to sleep.

-

The next day, it didn't take long for him to get back into the manga. Of course, he took many deep breaths and breaks in between chapters.

Really, Shouyou made it very sentimental for a lot of parts.

Especially the sky.

Sora and Kenichi laid in an alternate world, a dimension they traveled between, and stared up at a night sky much different from the world Sora used to be in. 

The stars Shouyou drew were beautiful as ever, but they were different. Rather than shining white spheres, you could see that they were diamonds, jewels, crystals. Pink, black, blue, purple, green, it all lined the sky like Aurora Borealis. Like dew, drops of aqua fell from the sky like shooting stars.

Tobio gasped at the beauty Shouyou drew.

What he gasped even more at were Kenichi and Sora, who faced each other on their sides.

It was like melting when the panels were coloured and Tobio could see stars dancing in both Kenichi's and Sora's eyes. 

Kenichi smiled, "I knew it.'

Sora gave his rare smile back, "you're my soulmate."

Tobio pushed back any bad feeling, any panic and anys adness he had stored so far back he wouldn't remember it in 5 minutes.

The panels shifted between the stars; the dew, the surrounding...pink? grass around them. 

Sora's eyes glew even further in the next scene.

"I wanna be happy."

And Kenichi with his star filled eyes, softened and cupped Sora's cheek, "would being with me...make that happen?"

"It always does."

Tobio wished he could say his heart didn't almost explode when the two boy's lips met.

He shut the manga again.

It'll have to wait.

-

And it waited for a week. Why? Tobio was simply too weak to read it all in one go. However, the last chapter came far too quickly.

Chapter 32: Want and Need

"The souls!" Sora screamed at Kenichi, who was charging at Ghouls with a spear and his jewels oozing from his fingers.

"Got it!"

The scene panned to a head of a ghoul flying off. Tobio felt the adrenaline rush.

"Wait!" Sora, who was tied up against a roll panicked.

Someone was behind Kenichi with a large crystal weapon.

"Kenichi!"

Flipping the page urgently, Tobio prayed Kenichi was fine.

That was it.

Tobio slammed the manga closed.

He would've left, too. But...something fell out of the notebook from the back as he slammed it right side up.

Letters, 11 of them fell out in envelopes. Tobio's eye twitched as he picked one up, still irritated from the cliffhanger. With a sigh, he flipped over the envelope and dropped it like it was fire.

To: Kageyama Tobio

From: Hinata Shouyou

For him? Tobio frowned and opened it very, very carefully.

He wished he could've prepared himself for all the letters he read.

Letter 1 was quite longer than some of them.

January 19th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

I don't think we need words, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say we understand each other very well at this point. Regardless, I think it's necessary to say this.

By now, I've told you everything, haven't I? If I'm not mistaken, I must've told you about my parents, Natsu, what I wanted from life. Don't you dare pity me! I know that's something I'll probably end up saying to you, am I right?

If I did, well, that's something I do stand by. But something I'll probably fail to say is thank you.

Thank you for caring for me, for showing me you care. I know it's hard for you to open up, that's why I wrote this manga! You're wondering why, right?

I must've told you by now (when you're reading, hehe) that you're the protagonist. DON'T THINK I'M WEIRD FOR IT PLEASE! I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE...

AH WELL I PROBABLY TOLD YOU.

Anyways, excuse this mess of a letter. You see, it's the 4th month we know each other. It's still a bit of a hassle to be honest with each other. I know you're hiding stuff from me too, I know I probably know everything by the time this letter's in your hands unless I die from a seizure which would suck...I hope that's not why I die.

You probably(I keep using this word, ugh) are wondering, why the hell am I writing this 4 months into our friendship?

Well, the doctor told me my time is almost up. Don't try to look back and think about why I never looked suspicious about this sort of thing, I hide stuff well now that I'm older!

I....ugh fuck this.

Tobio's iron wall he's built around himself in the last 2 months...suffered quite the breakage with that letter alone. He should've stopped reading.

Number 2.

January 27th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

I'm writing this to thank you for everything. For making me smile, laugh, and pushing me to write this manga even if you were silent half the time.

Thanks for being there, I think I've...

Nah.

Number 3: 

March 7th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

Let's run away. You and me.

Hinata Shouyou

Number 4:

March 20thn 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

I know you hate school, let's run away and let me tell you that I'm dying and that

It seemed that Shouyou struggled more and more with each letter. Tobio's breath hitched, his walls breaking slowly.

All this time...all this time he's…

Shouyou tried.

He tried.

Number 5.

March 21st, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

I don't know why I'm writing a letter but let's go away together, anywhere and everywhere.

As long as

Number 6.

April 5th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

I'm sorry I'm telling you like this but let's go away for a while so I can spend my last breaths with you.

Ah, cringey.

Number 7.

May 25th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio:

Your eyes are the prettiest. I already knew it but looking at you so closely made me realize that

Tobio could barely see.

Number 8.

June 6th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

Sorry I'm dying.

Sincerely,  
Hinata Shouyou

Number 9: 

September 7th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

It hurts but I'm waiting.

Sincerely  
Hinata Shouyou

Number 10 would etch its words into Tobio's life forever.

October 4th, 2017.

Dear Kageyama,

I've wrote too many stupid letters already so let me write this one and stop beating around the bush. I'll be straightforward, okay? 

It hurts to write, it hurts to feel like this, and at this point it hurts to breathe. You won't like hearing that, I know.

It doesn't hurt because of the illness.

I know you feel the same as me. I know it, I can feel it.

There's an Outcome I hope for that can't exist, one where you tell me and I tell you, and this Leukemia goes away after those magic words and we can kiss, get married, go everywhere. Outcome A would be a dream come true to me.

So instead, because that's impossible, I'm waiting for you! And by the time you're reading this, I hope you've told me and I've said it back, that's Outcome B! 

Outcome C, you haven't said anything, it's a shame, and you're an idiot.

Outcome D is you have no clue what I mean at all, you're an even bigger idiot than I thought if it's Outcome D.

If you told me too late, that's Outcome E.

Outcome F, you told me and I couldn't say it back.

I beg the moon it's not Outcome F.

If it was, I'm sorry. I probably hurt you. The truth is, I've known it for a long time. When we met, it was instant. It only grew from there, I just had no clue. As it grew, so did this ugly illness. 

I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, but I'm selfish and thought we could have this time. Why? I thought you were perfect, I told you, didn't I?

From the moment I first saw you, to the moment I realized your cold eyes were as warm as the sun, I should've always known it.

We probably knew each other in a past life, we probably did some bad things for us to end before we could begin.

Regardless, I'm glad we met and I dont regret anything we have done together, I'm also surprised all our fights were tiny and stupid and not serious, except for maybe that time you found out I'm sick and that other time you didn't know why we became friends. Could those count as fights? It certainly felt like it. I don't regret having those either! 

I said I have no regrets about anything, but actually, there are 3 things;

1\. I didn't kiss you  
2\. I didn't marry you  
3\. I didn't get to go everywhere with you

It's a shame that I couldn't make you love Miyagi. 

Let's meet again, okay?

I'll be going first, you win this one. Live your life with pride, don't you dare give up on volleyball or anything you love! I hope you never gave up on me.

Thank you for being my main character. I hope you enjoy the manga, sorry there is no ending. 

Definitely, surely, when we meet again we can have that good ending and we won't feel incomplete.

Goodbye, let's work hard to make the deities take pity on us and make sure we get our Outcome A.

Sincerely,

Hinata Shouyou.

It took every single muscle in Tobio's body to not start crying. Every single one.

His head pounded, his chest feeling like it was ripped open and his heart was cut out once again.

Just one more. There's one more fucking letter.

September 28th, 2017

Dear Kageyama Tobio,

It appears I'm too stupid to write a proper letter, and I'm too stupid to remember to stop beating around the bush and be straightforward. So, here it is. This is the letter I want you to remember most.

More than anything or anyone, I love you.

Nothing will change that. Nothing can. 

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you when you talk about volleyball, I know that even when I'm on my last breath I will love to see you smile when you talk about how it makes you feel.

When you make me stay home with you because you worry for my health despite not knowing about my illness.

When it's night and I see you with moonlight on your face, your hair, your muscles. When I see your eyes and they shine brighter than the stars. 

When you hold me, when I wake up and can feel you staring at me. When I crack my eyes open the tiniest bit and can see you admiring me. You probably had no clue I knew, but it's really cute, Tobio.

When you blush and think I can't tell. When you call me Shouyou, when you ruffle my hair, when you hold my hand back.

Because you come to see me everyday. 

Because you don't give up on me. 

Because you look so happy when you eat. 

Because of how you sing along to songs so quietly, so subtlety. 

Because your angry face is comforting now.

Because your eyes are my favourite.

Because you're beautiful.

Because yellow is your colour.

I love you.

I know you love me too, and I'm so thankful. So I'm waiting for you to say it to me, I won't be saying it til you do. Why?

Because I know you haven't even considered the option of me confessing first. Because I want you to say it first. Because I want you to feel how hard I love you without me saying it, because I know you will only tell me if you're sure I feel the same.

I love you, Kageyama Tobio.

I love you and I can't say it enough.

Send me off well, I'll wait until you can do that.

You are special, Tobio. Never forget that. No matter what anyone says or thinks, you choose what you want more than anything. Live a life I couldn't, live to the fullest you can.

Live like it's May.

Let's meet each other again one day, on a cold september day. Surely, we will unite again. That's what I believe. This isn't goodbye.

Yours with every name,  
Hinata Shouyou

Droplets of water blurred some of the words. Not just the words, but Tobio's eyes too.

Loud, guttural wails echoed in Tobio's apartment as he dropped to his knees, clutching the letter to his chest.

"Shouyou!!!" The raven cried out as a particularly painful sob left him, his head dropping onto the cold, cold floor.

This whole time...Shouyou was writing to him.

This whole time…Shouyou has struggled.

This whole time...Shouyou has loved him.

The tears wouldn't stop, and neither would the wails or sobs or the blurring of his vision and deep ache all over his body. Like a child, he curled up with the letter still pressed against his chest, sobbing a little more and hurting so, so much.

"I love you…"

Nothing could be done anymore.

"Please!!! come back!!!"

"Please!!!"

"I-" Tobio choked on the last words he'd say that night.

"I wanted to go everywhere with you!!!" 

If the deities heard him before, they weren't listening anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading til the end!
> 
> im very sorry lol
> 
> but i do wanna note that this couldnt have had a happy ending with the way they both depended on each other, and how kageyama learned to live not for himself but for shouyou, BECAUSE of shouyou.
> 
> if you realy want a happy ending tho, kageyama goes pro for vball and then travels the world for hinata :) hes not ever gonna be truly happy because he closes off again, but he doesnt give up...per hinatas request yeah this was kinda toxic without them truly trying to fix anything
> 
> just some songs i used in here were:  
> mundo by iv of spades  
> when you come home by mree  
> Spectre by radiohead  
> reunited by jonny southard
> 
> i think thats all? 
> 
> once again thank you so much for reading til here! please leave kudos and comments and share!
> 
> edit: heres a playlist i was listening to while writing!  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3BN77oOWmzm8S5y1g3vyLr?si=z6MSPorCQSKgN66pyT420Q&utm_source=copy-link


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